313

Pride and Prejudice - the most universal love story ever written. 

Ugh this Austen is such a genius. Also everybody, go watch the Lizzie Bennet Diaries. :) 

One of the things I really like about my choices is that I try to be as well read as possible, and travel as much. 

This is an insanely disjointed post but all I really wanted to say was I love Pride & Prejudice and it has ruined all my expectations so - you can blame Austen. 

312

extraordinary

It hit me today that I will be leaving this amazing group of friends I have found, known as North B, especially the J3s. Never in my wildest imagination would I have thought I'd find such an amazing group of kingdom minded friends in new creation. Everyone tells me the problem with a megachurch is that there is no sense of community, that there's no fellowship, that it's not cosy. 

That's a complete and utter lie. Yes, you'll have to go out of your way to make friends, it'll be awkward the first few times - but God directs your steps, - so fight through the initial resistance, because it's going to be so worth it in the end. I have been exceedingly and abundantly blessed the past two years, and I know it's not going to stop now. I go from glory to glory. 

I mean, yes - waiting gets difficult. Not knowing if LSE wants me, not knowing which school to go to, not knowing what my future holds, it's all difficult. But that's all speculation. His word says He knows what He's doing, His word says my future is good, His word says I'm in the right place at the right time, His word says I am not called to be mediocre. 

- and that is what is going to come to pass. 

311

It's not fair. 

You see all these self-indulging statements, how people "don't care" / "pretend to care" / "say they want to understand you but don't" / "are insincere" / "are too superficial" - like it's all their fault. 

But it's not. Everyone is fighting a hard battle. Objectively, some harder than others. But souls are not transferrable. Neither is pain. It just doesn't work like that. Everybody only fully experiences their own battles. You can't expect anyone to fully understand you - it just doesn't work that way. 

These statements, these self indulging statements place a far too unfair responsibility on the rest of the world. It's not that they're too superficial, it's probably just that their own battle preoccupies them too much. Also - how much are you letting go? I knew someone I simply couldn't connect with because he refused to let me in, no matter how hard I tried. It's not that we run away when life gets tough, sometimes we get pushed away, sometimes we're never let in, sometimes we honestly cannot handle it. 

There's nothing wrong with someone taking care of themselves first. 

This is why I'll never be anything more than a right winged capitalist - because I believe in the individual. 

310

addicted to this song:

you call me out upon the waters / the great unknown where feet may fail / and there I find you in the mystery/ in oceans deep / my faith will stand //

// I will call upon your name / keep my eyes above the waves / where oceans rise / and my soul will rest in your embrace / I am yours and you are mine //

// your grace abounds in deepest waters / your sovereign hand / will be my guide / where feet may fail and fear  surrounds me / you've never failed and you won't start now //

// spirit lead me where my trust is without borders / let me walk upon the waters / wherever you will lead me // take me deeper than my feet could ever wander / and my faith will be made stronger / in the presence of my saviour // -

309

I live a life of constant realisation. 

I realise I am amazingly blessed to live a life where I know God, and have a personal relationship with Jesus. I believe in Him, and I believe He's made my life exceedingly and abundantly all I could have ever done for myself. 

I realise a lot of times we let many things that should never be cliches become cliches. Pastor Lian told us today - "never get familiar with the favour of God". My entire existence is based upon my Saviour's death on the cross. It's not a one time thing. 

I realise my IB testimony is not a U-A sort of testimony that many were sharing. It's a God brought me to a better place testimony. It is a God worked through me through the past two years, showing me His heart - His real heart, revealing my identity, showing me what a "Christ in me" was capable of. Yes, putting me in the right place at the right time and favour with the examiners, but it is a lot more than that. As always, the IB and the amazing results my A level friends achieved - it's a side effect of God's grace, and not the other way round. 

I think you take a while to come to this conclusion, but if I could choose again, I'd honestly not live another person's life. It is as if you start out as an empty vessel and grow, and learn, and form a relationship with yourself (if that's possible). You start to love yourself a bit more and appreciate yourself from where you've come, and you've built a completely unique relationship with Jesus that I would not change for the world. 

- also, hillsong united's zion is ah.ma.zing, so do check it out (!!!) 

308

"There's something I like about lonely people. He sure looks lonely.

His shirt says beer + baseball = it's all good. I wonder if he lives life on such a simple principle.

But he's on a train, and he's getting off, so he must be going somewhere, right? Meeting company?

I sure hope so. He looked rather aloof, not knowing where he was going or what he was doing, but I'm sure he was just finding his bearings.

It's not that I like lonely people, but there's something that draws me in. You see them defences down, not trying to impress anyone, anything. It's not a rawness but it's definitely real. Maybe I'm referring to people who are alone. But you can tell when someone is lonely.

I've come across many people alone in buses and trains, but very few lonely. But being lonely adds an extra weight to it, another dimension. I think you see them a little more human.

I wonder where he went. He was pretty old, had a baseball cap and an empty can of oolong tea. He got off at promenade , my guess is he's a tourist.

I pass by probably a thousand people a day, each one with their own stories, longings and fears. Dreams, failures and people they love. But I don't know any of them.

I should start treating people like people. This urban-ness hasn't done anything good for my people to people interactions."

- my mind on a Saturday while waiting for violin class.

307

"This, was literally, a miracle"

Today I went for cg, I went for cg without knowing if I'd be at cg 5 hours before it started. I was the only part timer at work, and I left the shop, on a Friday evening, to 2 full timers who had lotsa other things to do. But the boss said go, so I went. 

And it was amazing - the honesty, openness and vulnerability that the cg displays blows my mind. This is a group of people knowing they are loved by the king and build themselves in the security of it. Mostly, everyone did well for their As. But the most beautiful thing was everybody - every, single, person, was in abandon to the great God who has blessed all of us with such excellent results - that we may not say it is I, but Him who gives it all; Him who has given us every bit of energy, every bit of favour, and every bit of "right place at the right time" to succeed in this world until we are called home. Straight As or not so straight As, it was amazing. It really was. 

Now - believing God for Legacy camp! I know I'll experience God everywhere but I'm sure Legacy camp would just be corporate worship and corporate anointing on a whole. new. level. It'll be my first & last time I getta go so here's trusting! 

Making the most amazing friends at cg and at work and keeping the most amazing friends and family with me all the time. Wow. 

Lotsa other people did really well for their As so congrats to them too. :) But we don't just celebrate the winners - we celebrate everyone. 

So happy or not so happy, here's to you. 

306

processing, processing. 

If there are 2 words to describe the year so far, it'd be "in transit". 

I am trying my best to find some structure and balance in my life, which isn't easy because - one, I'm not a person of structure or schedule, I like spontaneity, and two, I'm taking on very many things at once. A plethora of choices are being placed in front of me, most lead me to the unknown, which is always very intimidating. I'm fine with changes, in fact, I quite like changes - that doesn't mean I like the unknown, nor does it mean I won't take time to adapt to these changes. 

In this light: patience.

I feel that in this season of my life, my patience is being tested and being trained - for what reason, I honestly have no idea. But it's also allowed me to see God's faithfulness, by writing down my numerous (and I mean numerous) prayer requests and seeing when they've been answered - it's honestly quite amazing.

C.S Lewis said it quite well - there are things you (1) should do, (2) must do, (3) want to do. And indeed, striking a balance between all 3 has not been the easiest of tasks this year. I say I'm believing for the better, and of course I am - but faith does waver. Not necessarily faith in God, but faith in Him answering. 

But God is not a Christian, and the only thing that will get me through this is to remember how loved I am by the creator of the Universe - how delicately and intrinsically He loves me, how He is interested in my life, every little bit - and while man pulls strings, He pulls cables. 

305

blessed going in, blessed going out. 

Started today with a Rock Kidz orientation session - they mentioned the word "blessing" so many times if I got a dollar every time they mentioned it, ... you know the rest of the story. The children were extremely cute, and extremely many - a little overwhelming but I'd get used to it. 

Then learnt that the student who goes for violin lesson immediately before me goes to new creation as well ~ that was interesting. I had a feeling she did when she asked me which church I went to, but it was nice to find the thousandth person I know who goes there. (yes, that's an exaggeration, but when you're home to 26 000, it's a whole new story). 

And then I went for 4th service, where we get the recorded message - but my pastor appeared live at the end to give the benediction and he did extra time of ministering! Which was really cool because I haven't seen him live in ages. 

I had a 2 week vacation in Japan, a university offer, an amazing family, the best friends, I'll be travelling even more, and just really living life. 

--

Also, realised this few days ago - I am a child of God. I am His beloved - and that is the most powerful statement ever said. I mean, in that statement, I've been given the authority that Jesus had. The only thing that can change the world is the gospel. You go a long way and realise only Jesus can save. And He's given Kingdom authority. He's given us, believers, the same power that raised Him from the grave. Yep. That's amazing.

Also, today's sermon was fantaaaaasstic. It was something I really had on my heart for a while. Lovin' my senior pastor (and the other pastors!) 

304

things are different now:-

I have a university offer from the University of Bath, which is my second choice. But a good second. 

Also, I think I'm going to start bringing a card or a gift when I go travelling, and my polaroid, because frankly, you never know who you're going to meet. I'd like to get a moleskine to journal all this down, but I've got a gazillion notebooks lying around, just no discipline to record anything down as I travel, by word or photograph. I'm too immersed in the experience of it all, I'd say - but it's not necessarily a bad thing. To detach myself for a moment or two may honestly be asking for too much.

I had a mighty fine time in Japan, and think I left a little bit of my heart there. Whether with the people I met or in the snow I so mightily fell on so many times, Hokkaido was different this time round. 

In my house I'd like to have a nice big study with many bookshelves, some for fiction, some for non fiction. A desk in the middle with a nice iMac and MacBook, and a space to write with some good ol' pen and paper. I'd like to have a wall or two free for my own photos and posters of vintage maps and a map documenting everywhere I've been, and a window that lets the all natural sunlight in. I like white, so I think most of my furniture will be white.

But the most amazing thing I realised this trip - as much as I sometimes want something else, real life is so much better. - to experience it, live it, and love it.