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There are one of two things you should have, I realise, that'll help you succeed. 

Drive, or sheer brilliance. 

I quite envy people with an insurmountable amount of drive, the drive that doesn't come from pure ambition, but rather - purpose, calling. The drive that allows you to conquer every mountain, and to pick yourself up after every failure - because God knows - we're gonna fail. 

Sheer brilliance is fun to watch. I like to believe everyone has been given at least the potential of sheer brilliance in a certain category of their life. Some never find it, some instantly do, and some just can't be bothered to work towards it. 

I like watching exceptional people. People who are either so good at what they do, or so determined about what they do. It's refreshing to see people so full of spirit. 

Also, I've noticed, on a rather unrelated strand - people are so unhappy nowadays. 

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The past week has been a little dry and a little disappointing - I spent most of it wondering "when am I going to live an exceptional life" / "what can I do so I'll live an exceptional life"

Without realising this:

I already live an exceptional life.

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I love the Lizzie Bennett Diaries - and everyone should watch it because it is the cutest thing ever, but I take issue with people who are suddenly on this Lizzie/Darcy ship like it wasn't the most established thing since a gazillion bagillion years ago, okay - actually, 200. 

I mean Jane Austen is the most amazing author every and Pride and Prejudice will remained forever etched in our hearts and a youtube adaptation should not overshadow that. 

Mhm. 

I'm so please I'm going to Bath in the end hehe. But yes I still have not had enough time to settle down and clean my room and journal and read because I fell sick and yez. 

320

I have a lot to be thankful for. It seems like poor taste to list it, but for the sake of my memory, I shall. 

1. I'm going to a good university. It may not be Oxbridge or the Trinity in the states, but it's good, and I believe it'll lead me to good places. 

2. I have a good job. It may not pay the best, but I am in no lack, I love the environment - and I look forward to it. 

That's about it for now, really. But my life has been full of blessings, full of favour, full of adventure. My first trip to Bali is at the end of this month, followed by Sabah at the end of May, hopefully Legacy at the end of June, Melbourne at the end of July and Hong Kong some time in August - before finally heading off to the UK in September. 

Good times, good times.

Most of all, I must say, I'm grateful for the best family and amazing friends who keep me company through everything, from daily ranting sessions to university (see ya in the UK friends !!), and keep me looking forward to everything. I'd sincerely have no idea what life would be like without people that matter to you. 

Thinking of getting myself the iPod classic. Hmm. 

319

Have you ever walked your streets early in the morning?

It's pitch dark, well, almost - yet the skies sing a different tune than what it does late at night. It sings of redemption and a new day, where no matter what happened before, it's a chance to start again. When the town's vice has all been said and done, at least for that day - and the city is starting to awaken.

The sky then starts to do a funny dance. Half of it starts to light up; hues of the sweetest blue and purple make their way to the front amongst streaks of clouds. The other half is still dark though. I suppose it'll take it's time.

Soon the sun will be coming out. A hot, orange glow in all it's glory. The sun is amazing if you think about it. We survive because of this one object. Light, heat. One source.
--

I used to wake up early for sunrise service on Easter Sunday at my old church. But now I find myself awake at 630 to trudge to Buona Vista for 830 service. Iris said my bus would take 19m to come, and I contemplated cabbing to the nearest MRT station, but decided against it.

I guess it's because God wanted me to see the colours dancing against the canvas of the skies, and if I'm lucky (I don't actually believe in luck, but for the lack of a better word), maybe to even see the sunrise.

It's Easter - it's redemption, it's Jesus risen. It's the once and for all forgiveness of my sins, 2000 years ago, before I even knew I existed. It's his majesty, awesomeness and love all in one.

(I didn't plan this post. It was spontaneous. I stared at the sky and wondered why I had such inspiration so early in the morning. Now I know why.)

On a day my soul is empty (or full, or I'm between) I'll find it in myself to take a walk to the beach to watch the sunrise.

318

this post is in II parts:

I:

You are more. Not just you, but you too. 

The world seems to miss soul and substance. They go for what they can see, results, performance, cars, houses, clothes (or the lack of it). They head for temporary highs - drugs, alcohol. I have friends so full of life, full of love and full of belief in the better who are made to feel like rejects, failures. They can live their whole lives not knowing their worth because the world's standards are so false, deceptive. 

I know people who just. don't. have. an. identity. They don't know who they are, or whose they are, or what they're here for (without purpose). It's not easy to live like that, it really isn't. But your value isn't in what you can or have achieved. It's in who you are. You are intrinsically valuable. 

I am grateful I can share amazing conversations over a cup of coffee, as well as a glass of champagne. I am grateful I can disagree with people yet have a conversation that goes somewhere, because everybody is different and has a different point of view. I am grateful I have friends who remind me at the end of the day, no matter how many medals you win, cars you buy, times you lose or days you fail, all that matters is Jesus. That I belong to Him and that is enough. 

Above all, I am grateful I know who I am, whose I am, and everyday, I'm growing in the revalation of what I'm worth. 

And I hope you do too. Because you are so much more than you think you are - you are not measured in the grades you get, the school you go to, and the dollars you earn. 

II:

I work in a cafe - and it is an amazing experience.

Everyday I am learning so much more - the simple demographics of our tiny nation, I see people I want to be friends with (and give extra tags to), to people I simply can't stand - because of prejudgement. I wonder if I got to know them and find out what's at the depths of their soul, I'm sure we'd connect on the same level. 

More than that, I'm learning empathy and compassion. I love staring out and seeing who's here, who's who, and seeing how people interact.

I love seeing happy people come into the cafe. I'm not saying we should always be happy, but I see so many people out with family mostly, some with children, some just as couples, so sad and so grumpy and I wonder if they are truly happy, if on a day out with people you're supposed to love the most, you are still unable to smile. But joyful ones really make my day. I mean they just look like they've got a whole lot of sunshine and put it in their pocket. Brightens my day. 

I think we're all too afraid to be honest. We hide behind masks and perfect everything before we present it, we hide our scars and patch up our broken hearts. But we're all broken, we're all searching, and we could all do with a little more love, and a little more honesty - because that's where we'll find the heart of others.  

317

Good Friday.

Right now, I'm on my way to work. But thinking back to 2000 years ago, my saviour, knowing all He was about to endure still chose to die on the cross for the once and for all forgiveness of my sins, so I can have life, and life more abundant.

I think this is one of the days I hope will continually grow in meaning over the years for me.

My soul is overwhelmed. :)

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I think after all's said and done, 

I am incredibly in love with life, even when it doesn't feel like there's much to be in love with. I don't know how this "I have a soul" thing works, but I would have been terribly upset if my soul didn't get a chance at living, didn't get a chance to learn, grow, and form an indelible relationship with my Saviour.

But I suppose God doesn't create souls that don't get the chance of living. It's amazing to know He's got my entire life in His hands. 

-- 

This song, this version - moves me every time: 

God bless you, each and everyone of you, whether you believe in Him or not. 

315

This has been such. a. long. week.

It feels like it's been at least a week since my folks came back from the Japan, and 2 weeks since my friends last came over, but truthfully, it's only been half the time. I've worked 3 full day shifts in a row and my feet are broken. (quite literally)

I do like my job but it is tiring. I am learning so much on the job - about the job, about people, and about myself. I have come to realise we are all different and am continually eternally grateful for my kingdom friends - those I know will see me through my days on earth, and I am certain we'll be visiting each other's grand houses in Heaven, aside from the time we are too in awe of God to do anything else - which I s'ppose would be most of it. 

I have so much to say, so much I probably can't remember, and so much I want to do. 

I may or may not post it in one segmented post, or many posts. But right now, I'd like to sleep - following that, get past my violin exam and then we'll begin again. 

- 

314

I am in the midst of writing a really honest letter to God. I addressed it to both God and Jesus because I honestly will never know how the Trinity works and I do want them both to read it, so just to be safe.

Nobody sees me at my darkest. I don't often get drained, or tired, but I really am now. Not for a single reason. There was an analogy I really like from Michael Lewis' Boomerang. "You can't put a finger on what caused the Greek crisis, but if you put your whole hand over the reasons, a finger would touch tax evasion." In the same way, if you put a hand over what drains me, I know where the fingers would reach. 

I may actually take a long shower, and a good cry for no other reason than I am really drained, and crying is an amazing way to release emotions. 

I actually had a really good day today - I love my serving team so much. They're like family, ish, and it's only been two weeks. I honestly don't know how I'm going to leave Singapore and the amazing amazing community I've been part of the past two years. It's bullshit, this "you can't find community in a megachurch", and my senior pastor would not approve of me swearing, but I am honestly too tired for this. 

I see children from 24 months being brought up in the grace of God, in the love of Christ, and even when they need to be corrected, it is done out of love. We teach them there is a higher way, that they are set apart, and have a glorious destiny, and it is amazing. 

Kingdom minded.