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Today I stop(ped).

I woke up feeling strangely thankful, well, relieved (because there wasn't a spirit of gratitude in me, actually, I barely feel anything anymore) that I was part of a happy family. Then, my friend said she wasn't going for first service, so I decided to go for second - and get a place in the rock. I wanted breakfast before so I was running a little late, decided to cab to try and get a ticket. I didn't. They had given them all out, so I wasn't all that pleased. (again, I didn't feel frustrated, because I really haven't felt anything in a long time). I think I'm going through a period of nihilism. Then, as I turned away to find another location, this lady approached me to give me her ticket, cuz she was going somewhere else. Wow.

I've decided.

I'm don't like living life like this. I'm tired of living life like this. Going through it without any feeling at all. God's given me life, I want to live it with arms wide open. I'm tired of my shaky faith, thus shaky identity. I'm tired of having to subject myself to apathy each day, of having to fight millions of battles in my mind, of having to live up to everybody's expectation.

I've got so damn much to be thankful about, God is showing me how real He is. Yet I just sit here indifferent, if I can even feel indifferent. I'm just numb to everything. Completely numbed.

This. Must. Stop.