186

Finally. 

2 continents, 7 countries, 8 cities. Alone, with friends, with family. I've travelled far this year, and have had the most fun. I've met amazing people, spent a week with some, a few days with others, and even a couple of hours with one. 

So in all I've done in my 16/17th year on this planet, I've travelled extensively. I can't start to express how blessed I am in all this, to have the opportunity to travel in a variety of ways, and I'm so grateful. As I've said, if there were only two things I could do for the rest of my life, they would be to read, and to travel; almost in that order. 

Life is infinite, and 2011, I've been dazzled. 

185

Hey, 2011, you're almost over, and you've been one wild ride. 

So here's to you. 

Here's to the completely new scene you threw me into - new school, new friends, new system, new dynamic. Here's to the deadlines I had to continually chase, and here's to the company that made it worth it's while. Here's to the times where I honestly thought I wouldn't make it through, and here's to the grace that brought me out of it, unscathed. 

Here's to the new passions I've found, and here's to the times chasing them almost bled me dry. Here's to the new ambition I've gained, and here's to the expectations that came, and still come close to breaking me. Here's to the new experiences I've been through, and all it's taught me. Here's to the new love and hope I've found in humanity, and here's to the thousands of time society's ugliness makes me want to retreat and run away. 

Here's to the times I didn't get along with people, because working through these times only makes us stronger. Here's to the times my faith almost couldn't pull me through, and the rediscovery of such a loving and passionate Father. Here's to the times where everything else took centre stage, because that only lead to greater revelation of how much I need Jesus. 

Here's to the times I've been broken, and here's to the times I've lost myself. Because in doing so, I've found myself, I've evolved, I'm closer to knowing who I am.

But most of all, here's to you. Here's to you who made a difference in my life. Who told me to grow up, or stay as irresponsible as I possibly could. You, who I had brilliant conversations with, or said a one-two liner as we passed each other. You, who's been there since forever, or whom I've just made friends with. 

Here's to you. People make a person, and you've made my 2011 amazing.

Thank you. 

184

Merry Christmas, everyone!

I spent today with a great service, a great spirit, and great company; and sometimes, when life throws you lemons, that's all you ned to recover and remember what's important, what's real, and what truly matters. It's nice to go back to where you started once in a while, to remember where you've come from, and to put things into perspective. 

Meanwhile, I'm not going to deny that I'm feeling significantly apprehensive towards 2012, but in all matters I shall trust God (and worry when it's too late). I can't believe we've reached the last week of 2011, and soon it'll be the first week of 2012. 

Anyhow, I hope all of you had a brilliant day.

Blessed Christmas! 

183

I love Christmas. I'm a sucker for Christmas. 

I'll admit I love the Santas and presents and candy canes on the streets. I love snow and festive cheer and the sales, oh the sales. I love how for once a year, everyone remembers to go home, everyone remembers home is where the heart is, and everyone puts aside their vanity, ambition and ego. 

But oh Jesus, what would I do without you. 

To me, Christmas, even if I've strayed for the rest of the year, reminds me of how grateful I am to my Saviour. How broken and ugly I am inside, and how that doesn't even matter at all. How His strength is made perfect in my weakness, how He works all things for good. He's in my life now, and He's got his hold on me. And in Him, I am so blessed, so loved, and so favoured.

So yes, Christmas and its festivities are great. I love 'em. But oh my, Christ is so much greater. 

182

So I'm home for the year. 

The Maldives was amazing, gorgeous and breathtaking. I discovered that my absolute most favouritest feeling in the world is to be out at sea, where it is just you, your thoughts, and the never ending expanse of the ocean. 

But after 6 days of temporal paradise, the real world bites back with a vengeance. 

I don't even want to think about it. 

181

I have this tendency to get lost in myself.

This entire year, I've been so blessed. New school, new revelations, new people. I've been sufficiently happy, but so busy. Busy to the extent I've been caught up in everything surface. There's always a new deadline to chase, new event to attend, and to generalise - this new thing to do. 

Then I start to run away. But I was so busy this year I've forgotten how much more I could have lived. How much more I could have experienced, enjoyed. I don't regret anything - not yet, because the choices I've made have been unique and have led me to today, but yes. 

So much more. 

180

Dreaming is good.

I dream of working, earning enough money to support my little bit of a luxurious lifestyle, wearing good clothes, coming back to a gorgeous place, sinking into bed. I dream of reading, reading, and reading. Books, magazines, blogs, opinions. I dream of travelling the world with a pair of good shoes and a backpack, as well as sailing the seven seas (particularly the Caribbean). 

--

So I'm back in my little island home for the next 4 days, before I fly off again. The problem with travelling is the grass is always greener on the overseas side. Honestly speaking, I'm really excited for when I go away to study - to go overseas long term. Maybe I don't like where I am, maybe I just can't stay in one place for too long. Whatever it is, I'm excited. 

I like to write. Evidently, sometimes I have no idea what I'm writing - maybe you do. But yes, that's the beauty of it. 

179

Alright folks, I'll be away from the 7th to 11th! 

Enjoy your sunny happiness while I'm gone ~

178

"I want my youth ministry more than I want a boyfriend." 

There's obviously a lot of context behind this that I'm not explaining, but the significance of what my friend said is really how much love and hope she has for her youth ministry - how she really wants to see them grow and unite, to be as one for Christ. She's filled with a passion I haven't had for a long, long time, and I really miss it sometimes. The dedication, commitment and passion for a community of Christ. 

Anyway, the best thing about the holidays so far is the autonomy I have. 

x.

177

Holidays are here (!!!!!!!!!!)

Say hello to glorious sun-drenched days of reading for the intrinsic pleasure of doing so, making music - ranging from the silliest of songs to the most beautiful of melodies (as far as my little bit of talent takes me), writing free prose on whatever I want to, capturing beauty through the lens of a camera, exploring the little nooks and crannies of Singapore, meeting up with the people whom matter most to me, exploring a bit more of the world, and of course, more love and celebration of humanity. 

Oh wait, reality check time. 

What really awaits me in these 4 weeks includes, but is not limited to (see what I did there!!) - WLI, EE, Chem IA, Econs IA, Geography work, Math revision, Chem WS, etc etc. [If you did not understand these acronyms, please congratulate yourself, and stay that way.]

Whatever it is, I'm going to make the most of these 4 weeks. I guess all this extra work comes with being a student, and right now, I really like being a student. So I'll just take it as it is. However, I'm not going to waste this time of the little bit of freedom I have. 

So cheers to you;

Let's make the best of these 4 weeks. 

176

I promised myself to sleep at 2330. It's now 0059 on the morning of the 27th. But with 5 days of school to get through, there's no better time than to write a list of what I wish (read: probably will not get the chance) to do during the Christmas break. 

1. Shoot - My 600D has been collecting dust since IB killin' me. What better time than to experiment (and put it to good use) than in this 5 week break where my creativity has been stifled beyond bounds. 
2. Learn to cook - I have come to realise that my lack of ability to cook has caused more loss than gain. Being able to cook equates to having fun experimenting with new recipes, healthier living, cheaper living, and hosting great dinner parties. More than anything, I think it evokes liberty. (yes, call me weird). 
3. Send out Christmas cards - I have this resolution every year, but I never get down to it. This year will be even tougher for I have international friends. Anyhow, we always start with a dream. 
4. Read - My fancy stack of books are sitting upon the shelf waiting for me to devour page by page. Reading feeds the soul and cultures the being, and the lack of it renders me incomplete. 

Yes, I'm well aware I have my EE, World Lit, and other commitments upon me (I can almost feel the teachers nagging now), but if I can't do what I love in the holidays, then when? 

I feel the lethargy of the diploma is taking it's toll on me. I could sleep forever yet still feel tired. Oh well.

Cheers! 

175

This week has been long - but it's a single digit countdown to when school closes. 

Today, I felt so exhausted after school, I diverted from going home to going to my nearest Starbucks. I bought a toffee nut frapp, and sunk into those little single couches they have, and read Madame Bovary (which I happen to quite enjoy) for an hour, just to get a little bit of escape. 

It's nice to see things come to a close, but it's also scary how fast things move - IB2, Uni applications, Uni, getting a job, starting a family, so on so forth. It is wise to take things a day at a time, yet the prospect of the future is something we must consider. 

I've been blogging so seldom because there's either:

a) nothing on my mind, or mostly

b) too much on my mind. 

Can't wait for the Christmas break - 4, was it 5 weeks - yes, work. But more than that, travel, reading, good music, good coffee and good company. 

Solid gold. 

Cheers guys, have a great week +. 

174

I think it's time for me to reconsider my stance on economic issues.
Is there a better alternative to capitalism? Am I really going to advocate income inequality (in the name of economic progress)?

173

If there's one thing I've learnt from the multitude of work the teachers have thrown upon us these past two brilliant weeks, it's that I'm in an outrageously desperate need of a holiday. 

But more than that - it's break things down. 

When you're piled up with an insurmountable load of tasks to do, you've gotta break 'em down, and keep breaking 'em down. I know thousands of people have told me this before, but things really become so much more feasible when you start realising you can actually do something.

So now it's 2230, and I've got a hell load of work to do, but at least, I'm on my way to completing something. As they always say, it's taking that first step that counts. 

Wish me luck - I hope I don't fall asleep.

Cheers,

xx. 

172

Today, a certain someone told me a certain story that broke half my heart.

I had a very good talk with a very good friend of mine this afternoon, over waffles, brownies and salted caramel ice cream. We discussed our philosophy, what's been tiring us out, and the hope for the future of the world. Talks like these rejuvenate my soul. 

I honestly don't understand why society has to be so competitive. Why can't we just live a little better, achieve our own standards, and be happy with that? It's sad because a lot of us are driven into competition. We do it to survive. 

 - you are more than the choices that you make, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes, you are more than the problems you create. 

171

I'm losing my focus - this is getting scary. 

It's probably a combination of burning out and just being overwhelmed with work - but whatever it is, I: 

i) need a break, severely, and 

ii) cannot afford to let my grades drop, not now. 

Every day has now morphed into a perpetual daze of picking up the pieces, and rushing work before deadlines; completing tasks for the sake of completion, joining clubs for the sake of achievement. I feel I no longer have control of what I'm doing, what I want to do, and how I can do it. In other words, I'm losing my autonomy, and that, is frightening. After that, I'll lose my motivation, and from there, a downward spiral. This sounds like a post of myself wallowing in apathy, but I hope it isn't. I do wish to get out of this mess, I'm just unsure of how to. I'll call it overworked. 

Anyhow, life goes on - and we'll make it through. I hope the rest of y'all will have a gorgeous week. :) 

Cheers! 

170

Observations of a Tuesday evening:
1. 9 year olds talking about commodity trading.
2. Young couple in a Ferrari, making out before they bid farewell.
3. Greece's president calling for a referendum on the euro deal.

It's 730 on a Wednesday morning and I've got 50 pages of a book to finish before period 3/4. Did I mention November has the craziest social schedule? And the craziest workload? Kill me now.

Cheers guys!

169

Just in case you were wondering - no, my weeklong absence was not due to the fact my Economics grade was a little bit disappointing. 

Last week was a week of recovery - from challenge week, from the unexpected, and back into my "comfort zone", which in all honesty, isn't very comfortable either. If you're under the same cursed programme as myself, you'd know how much pain the EE can cause, especially when it feels you've hit a severe road block. Also, there's CAS, which is in all honesty, driving me mad. It's not even 10 and I'm crazy tired right now, not to mention I haven't done (and don't plan to start on) any homework due tomorrow. Perils of being a J1 student. 

So for now, it's back to the normal. Which, as much of a good thing it is, is also a bad thing. Cram time, crunch time, CAS time. 

This is how we'll make it. 

Cheers! 

168

Frustrated.

It's funny how just one thing can pull you down, throw away all you've achieved so far, and just make it feel like everything you gained previously is all for nothing. But that almost parallels with a story we're all too familiar with. 

But I guess not doing as well as I wished in Economics is made up by the sweetest of people telling you you'll still find a guy that loves you for who you are. (: (albiet random), and the coolest family letting you rant about how frustrated you are for 3 hours and not telling you to shut up. And always, if nothing - not doing as well will always push you to do better, fight harder. 

Yes, so that single result was so disappointing I dedicated an entire blog post to it, and you know what - I haven't even gotten my exact result back yet. I just know what I didn't get. 

let your light shine. 

167

So I'm back from what has been the most amazing trip in my life so far.

Before we jump to overused cliches, it wasn't amazing in the "omg that's so awesome blow your mind" sense. Not at all. It was so tiring, literally and emotionally. Yet, I guess when it all comes together, you know that this is something you'd never do under any normal circumstances, and despite all the stress you felt emotionally, you still had the most amazing time ever - from the places you go and experience you share with your friends, to really seeing how fortunate and blessed you are, and how you truly have the power to make someone's life so much better, it really hits home. Yes we disagree, yes we fight - but that's human, isn't it. It's so human to have conflict, and you only learn so much more and become that much stronger through it. So, to my amazing group of 7, thank you for a wonderful week in Thailand.

(Although I called this side "greener", it does appear that I have a severely stressful line up ahead. I've got a pretty important interview to prepare for, and apparently, I believe I have my NYAA diary to fill up - which I don't know how to. Wish me luck!)

Cheers guys,
Have a great week ahead (:

(ps: a sneak peek at what i'm working on - deeperwreck@blogger)

166

Hello everyone!

I hope you've all been fine. I just finished my exams on Wednesday, and it has got to be the most tiring thing I've done in a long long time. My brain is completely fried. Tomorrow, however, is Challenge Week! (Which is an independent service trip my school sends us all on). So yes, we're travelling via Bangkok, so please pray it won't flood, and if it does, well, we'll get by. It hasn't been the easiest journey for us, but I'm sure my entire group is going to have a blast, so I'm extremely excited. 

What that also means, is I won't be here until next Sunday, so I'll see y'all happy readers in a week's time. Apart from that, hope your week has been awesome!

If you have iMessage (w/ iOS 5), please let me know your Apple ID! (: 

Cheers! 

165

I haven't been here in a week. Apologies, but it is finals week, and with that, insanity, exhaustion and mental breakdowns.

No, exams have been alright - taxing, but not impossible. I'm more than half down, with 3 more to go, including Geography. (Just eat my soul). Then it's Challenge Week, which will be nothing short of an adventure.

But I'm tired, it's late, so I suppose sleep will be first on my list.

164

It's interesting, because the more indifferent, callous and jaded I become, the more I see myself remembering and believing in all that I used to, and still does make me. 

The belief in the potential of each human, the belief in humanity, the belief that we can always go further, do better, that we're not a lost cause. Not this bunch of teenagers abused by the expectations of society, not this school of humanity. That we can, in twenty years, make the world, or at least our individual communities a better place, and hope, just hope, that this combined effort will be enough to make a difference. 

Fear Apathy, then Reject it. 

There is this creature that lies heavy in the soul-a wicked thing with an insatiable appetite. It entangles itself with the nerves and bathes in the blood. It nibbles at the marrow and gnaws at the vacuoles. It laps at the rate and erodes the embitterment. It sinks its serrated teeth into the anguish until there is no more. Not one thing. Of all the parasites, it is hardest to rid. Apathy, I beg you please run far away from me. I long to feel again.  

- paperbulletsofthebrain@tumblr, on mols@tumblr

Apathy is seeing the climate go out of control, see singapore go through a temperature range of 10 deg within a week, see icecaps and glaciers melting, see animals suffering, see humans go through horrible famines and suffer through the increased natural disasters, and then blame it on factors we can't control - the sun, the earth's orbit, ice ages, when it's pretty clear that human activity has contributed to a hell lot of what the world's become. 

Apathy is having double digit economic growth in China and India, seeing the world develop like never before, seeing more and more people become so rich, so fast, and then ignore the lost, the last, the least, when we've never before had the resources to help them, like we do now. When media has never been so powerful, when the world has never been so aware. 

Gratitude camp.

But I suppose, at the end of the day, the question really is, what am I doing to reject apathy?
(Because it always starts from ourselves) 

163

Stifled. 

Expectations, disappointment, reputation, falls from grace. 

It's been a crazy week - papers upon papers, books upon books, writing like a machine gun, everyone with short fuses. It's been a mad week. I haven't felt this tired in a long time, yet at the same time, I haven't had such focus, ever. I found out that Starbucks @ Leisure Park is in fact an amazing place to study, when I'm stressed + tired I lose a lot of self control, and morph into this creature I get annoyed with (which just becomes a cyclical force), and that it's so much better when we're all in this together. 

I'm also itching for a break - somewhere far away, preferably outside Asia, where I meet so many people I've never met before, who I don't see for any institutional purpose, where we can just be friends + learn something new. I love all my friends (and I'm starting to love my SJI friends more and more each day), but sometimes we all just need a break, even from those closest to us. 

3 more days, let's just hope I don't lose my mind.

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of love and of self-control and a sound mind" 

- 2 Tim 1:7 (NKJV)

162

Price Tag - Jessie J

I'm rarely a fan of mainstream music, but I really do like this song. Honestly, I appreciate song/lyric writers who write about what's actually going on, as opposed to this rough culture of sex, drugs and alcohol. 

What's really interesting about this song is I was first introduced to it when I was talking to a lot of people about a career in finance, and really going forward and trying to get contacts, and avenues and resources. One thing I've learnt over the few days of conversation is, of all people with all sorts of different occupations, people in finance should never, ever, be motivated by money. I mean, you would still aim to earn a lot of money, and to tell you the truth, I don't see so much of a problem in that. But, to just work for money, to want to get promoted for money, and not progress/influence/opportunities etc, is really scary, especially in finance. Money is so abundant, and you see people make money so quickly (but also lose money so quickly). 

Money's such an important medium, but it should never be your master. Also, like the song, this society should really start seeing beyond the price tag. 

161

Today has been a tough, but good day.
(After tomorrow - no more assignments due, geography syllabus still incomplete.)

160

The aftermath of our Math IA left the entire cohort of HL math students in a zombielike state. Nevertheless, Math IA, done. 

Right now, I've got my Chemistry assessed task to complete, before I hopefully take a nap that doesn't last for eternity. Then tonight's the start of crash course finals bootcamp. 

Anyway: 

Jason Mraz - Make It Mine (Live from New York)
"And reveling in energy that everyone's emitting/Well I don't want to wait no more/I'm going to celebrate the whole world/Yes I'm going to make it mine/I'm following your joy" 


Jason Mraz - Live High (Live, from somewhere) 

Jason Mraz is my second favourite musician in the entire world. He's a great musician, a brilliant songwriter, but most of all he's got soul. I purposely chose the live tracks as he sounds so much better live - there's so much soul in listening to his music live, or listening to live tracks of his music, and honestly, I think that's how music should be. Music should be live. Music should sound best live. Jason Mraz has got phenomenal stage presence. He doesn't write trash. His songs bring out the best in the world. 

I am by no means an idealist, or a dreamer, but I suppose I connect with him on the optimist vibe. He makes happiness sound so real, he makes life sound so good. He's someone who writes songs that inspires you to live better, live larger, shine brighter, and the best part of all - he's someone who really looks forward to all the potential there is in life. 

The above two are two of my favourite, but I usually find myself being able to listen to whole albums of him, on repeat. 

Have a chill day guys, and a great week ahead. :) 

159

(I don't know why I'm writing this down right now - I've still got that naggy Math IA to complete)

I think this week will be a week of posting songs that actually mean a lot to me, songs like Run, Price Tag (for very interesting reasons), Live High, Make it Mine, Coachella, Who are We Fooling, The Writer, and some others. 

I found a strand of white hair on my head this week, the rest of my hairs are falling out. I cannot wait to submit this wretched IA tomorrow, so I can start revising for finals PROPERLY. I love my school, but sometimes they're so disorganised it stresses their students out. 

I'm done. I've finished my IA. Feeling like a (really sleepy) hero. Tomorrow the crash course begins. God bless me. 

158

And these are the times where I feel like giving up on the world, to stop pursuing everything I know I want, just because it gets a little too difficult, and I become a little too tired. These are the times where I can't be bothered to be politically correct, not bothering to hide any bit of emotion to anyone around me. 

Sometimes you've got to know which battles to fight - sometimes you've got to know whose side you're on. 

Finals in a week + a little bit and I've still covered no ground. It's strange to give a damn about these exams in my school, but I suppose thanks to the influx of many local students, it's not that strange anymore. Honestly - I'd really like to stop studying Y = C+I+G(+(X-M), if you must), and just take a break. I've not been able to read a book for leisure for the entire year, I haven't taken out my camera just to shoot whatever interests me, and I haven't been able to sit at the piano to learn a piece I really like for the past three months. But I guess this is what you call collateral damage. 

It's Friday evening and I can honestly say I'm exhausted. I've no more energy to spend on tearing down the walls and revealing true intentions. I've no more energy to suck it up and face whatever I need to face. I've no more energy to hold up the pressure pushing me down. 

Collateral damage Hannah, collateral damage. 

(Still really grateful for all Jesus keeps blessing me with though - I can never afford to take that for granted.) 

157

Today I was blessed to listen to a really amazing person, who knew what she wanted and drove herself to make it happen. She provided great insight for all of us who want to join the financial world, and be successful, and she also happened to give me one on one advice about a nice little course in a nice little university. I'm really grateful I got to meet her - she sounds a lot like me, and a lot of what I want to be. 

I don't actually know why I'm blogging because right now I find myself starved for time. I would really appreciate 6 more hours in a day, or a caffeine IV so I don't have to sleep. Just for fun, since hey, who's counting aye - Geography IA (3 maps + 2 equations and I'm probably done), Economics essay (what on earth does whoever set the question mean when he said "USE EXAMPLES?"), and my Chinese oral. (I need a pretty damn good mark for this. If I don't get a 7 it'll be a joke.) 

Also - here's to me rushing syllabus for 3 subjects in a weekend. Friday evening to Sunday evening, with a game of tennis, a hour and a half math tuition session, and a concert at the botanics. What a joke. But, I s'ppose for the sake of "my future" - and all the glamour our teachers, parents and whoever else has been selling us, the fight is worth it. The only question left is - do I make it out alive?

Cheers. 

(I suppose with the grace of God I will). 

156

I'm completely off-schedule for my finals revision, but I suppose I'll make it through anyway. Also, it seems my days have morphed into a continuous cycle of work and rest, the latter which I get too little of, so I have lost all sense of time consciousness, forgetting the hour of the day and the day of the week.

I did, however, have a really good day today. I saw so many of my old sc friends, and the accompanying nostalgia and comfort. Also, I, strangely enough, actually enjoyed the thought process. Maybe it was the PPE drive that caused me to really think and question whatever I'd been listening to. But most of all, I had a really good lunch with a really good friend at a really interesting place with really good food. :) I haven't had such a real, honest conversation in a long time, and it just felt so good to let everything out, knowing there'll be no judgement. It was good.

I'm excited to where the next two years of my life will take me. :)

It's 2215 at night and I've decided I should probably start on my Math IA now - I've got a lot of work to complete tomorrow, as well as get down to studying. (I really don't need to drown any further).

Cheers!

155

"From my heart to the heavens, Jesus be the centre. It's all about you, yes it's all about you".

So this is me, one week in, two weeks to finals, drowning in a math IA, spiraling in thought from all the other pieces of work I have to complete. Being a 17 year old is not fun. We're all such jaded kids, and it really saddens me to think that this loss of innocence has come at so young an age. It takes more effort to believe in the world and its potential than to just give it all up and drop it, because indifference, and escapism is always the easier way out. 

But I thank God that when I'm drowning in my math IA, I'm also drowning in so much more of His grace. His grace that picks me up, keeps me going, and keeps me hoping in a better tomorrow. 

Honestly though, I need a damn break. You have no idea how badly I want finals to be over. My brain (and body) can only take so much of this. 

154

(Quite a religious post - skip if you please). 

I used to get really angsty at God whenever I fell sick, up until June this year. I've always known sickness is not God's will - I don't believe it's from Him, and I've always known that if I fall sick, it obviously means He's permitted it, because He has the power to prevent it. So I always got really angry because I didn't understand why He couldn't just stop it once more, why did He have to let the virus attack me again? 

I suppose it was around June that I started to realise the beauty of these trials and tribulations God allows from the devil, because in true honesty, as much as I want to deny it, it really does build us up. It teaches us greater dependance and less of "I can do this by myself", because as great as our human egos are, we are in fact, extremely small, and have zero control of some things. It also teaches me how great my God is, and how safe His presence is. I guess it does reinforce faith. 

But the epitome of my realisation came when I was on my mission trip, and another volunteer fell sick in the same house. And it was this one sentence that changed my entire perspective on God and falling sick. 

"It happens." 

These two words made me realise that y'know what, we'll still fall sick on this side of heaven, no matter how much we don't want it to. But we can have the hope that whatever we fall sick with will not harm us, because that's what God promised us in the Bible. So for whatever reason we fell sick, I don't know, I'll find out in Heaven I guess, but for now, I've just got to keep declaring and receiving my healing in Jesus name, by Jesus' stripes. 

Amen. 

153 - 9/11

9/11. 

The fight against terror; the fight against intolerance. 

My cowardly instincts have me too afraid to read/watch/listen to anything to do with the 9/11 attacks that happened ten years ago. I was seven. It'd be interesting if I measured my age by what happened in the world, and how I responded. I remember I was in my old kindergarten, I think it was the holiday, so I visited. I sat with all the K2s and we watched the building, I believe it was the World Trade Centre 1, crash down. We all had no idea what was going on, but I believe the teachers did. 

I'm not American, so I'm definitely not going to say I understand the pain of the nation, and the attack against its sovereignty. However, I'm definitely keeping all the victims of 9/11 and America in my prayers as you commemorate this event that changed the history and future of your country. 

Now, at seventeen, I think the events ten years ago brings back an extremely strong message to anyone that considers him/herself a global citizen. We're all different. As a Singaporean, I understand how conflicts can arise from being different, as an local student in an international school, I've come to learn the importance of respecting each other for who they are. Yes, we've all heard the local announcements on staying vigilant and not being complacent, but I think more importantly we've got to learn to be tolerant, but more than that, practise tolerance. It's much easier said than done, and I sound like a completely hippie advocating world peace, but I honestly believe it's one of the most important qualities we've got to practice, especially as the world becomes more and more globalised. 

Now my friends who know me know I'm not the most tolerant person, but I'm going to make it a point to try. To accept that we're all different, yet our differences that make us unique remind me that at the end of the day, we're all human. And that's what unites us - the fact that we're all human, we bond over our humanity. So who cares if I don't like the fact you sit with your legs up the table, or you read with a strange accent, it doesn't matter. We are, at the end of the day, looking out for the same thing. 9/11 proves that. As sad as it is for tragedies like this to unite the world, they do. I think life, after all, is about celebrating humanity. 

To all victims of the 9/11 attacks, my condolences. To the Great States of America, stay strong, press on. 

All my love, 

Hannah. 

(September 11, 2011). 

152

Blogger's finally got an iPhone app! This is going to be exciting. Now I can write more spontaneous posts of what's in my mind vs. the retrospective perspective I'm left with by the time I have access to a computer.

Have a good Sunday everyone,
Cheers!

151

So I'm back from the silly island doing a silly IA for a silly subject, and yes, I had a lot of fun, it was good.

Yet, I still find myself as shaky as ever, and my mind in the same mess it was when I left school. It's sad that the moment the bus crossed from Malaysia to Singapore the air instantly felt heavier and you were just reminded of the thousand and two things that await you to complete here. I need a break, a good one. A real one. One where I'm away from people that place expectations on me (although we all do, and that's perfectly fine and reasonable), one where I'm away from anything that reminds me of all the obligations I have. Somewhere I can kick back and chill, spend enough time with myself, yet spend a huge bulk of time meeting new people and learning so much more about this amazing world, and all the people that make it beautiful. 

The more I think about it, the more I think I like change. Many people don't, but I've come to realise half the reason why I don't like Singapore is Singapore itself, but the other half is because I don't really like staying in a place as small as this - there's nothing to do, and you find yourself caught in the same routine again and again, also, I don't prefer staying in one place too long. But practicality and functionality always brings you back to reality. 

It's hard to imagine I was once an idealist, or a super idealist. Realism seems so much more believable to me. I still dream though, but I'd say I'm far from being a dreamer. Realistic optimism is good for the soul. Life is beautiful though - in the recent years, I've come to understand that the beauty of life comes from all the pain we go through and all the battles we fight, not because the hurt and pain makes it beautiful, but because we overcome. 

Because we overcome. 

I've got three weeks to finals, I haven't started on shit and my Geography syllabus is like an impregnable fortress. I also need to finalise challenge week - pay for elephant service, and get everyone to fill up the form (just a note to self, and my groupmates if you read this!!). Apart from that, I think I've got to start building my life on Jesus Christ a lot more, standing on really shaky ground now. 

I can't wait till I start travelling and exploring the world. 

150

over-easy.

so this is life; it has become so busy i have no time for myself, but plenty of time for my friends. no time to sleep because work has me climbing out of bed at 1am and waking up in twenty minute phrases just to attempt to snap out of my semi-consciousness and attack the questions i never knew how to do in the first place. no time to savour because too much of it has been spent on worrying and stressing and piling anxiety upon anxiety, even though Jesus told me not to worry about anything.

i've got a week long break coming up, but too much of that is going to be spent doing a silly ia for a silly subject on a silly island. ah well, at least i'll have fun (i hope).

tyrone wells - and the birds sing

happy teachers day to all the teachers out there! y'all mean so much more to me than i could ever express. :)

149

I've actually been having a really good week, praise Jesus.

Economics test is over, Geography essay has been written, Chemistry IA is almosttttt done, and after that it's party preparation + room clean up all the way. Extremely, and unusually nervous about getting back my Economics test tomorrow - haven't felt so insecure about a test in a longgg time.

In other news, I've got to get my EE settled, my social life isn't too dead for an IB student (thank God), life is goooood, and I need a break. Hahaha.

Ellie Goulding is super, One Direction is a super boyband, and X Factor is back!

148

I never knew doing Economics with the boys could be so entertaining. But now it seems I'm in the only class who hasn't done their test yet, and so the only class still worried over their test. Oh well. Also, today I found out the sole reason why I take higher level chemistry - entropy, or the amount of chaos in the universe.

Today has been a really good day, and the best part is - it wasn't something in particular, it was just a really good day because of the turn of events - jokes all around, it was pretty light hearted and not too stressful. Of course, my test is tomorrow so I'll probably go a little bit insane. Haha. Can't really blame me can you.

So here's to a good week ahead - I hope everyone has one.

you put your arms around me and i'm home.

147

I had a good night - tired out now, but we'll see how I feel in the morning.

I feel so behind in my work, not to mention I have an economics test coming up that I can't afford to bomb. Chemistry, mathematics, geography - no shit. Whatever it is, I'll make it, by His grace, I'll make it. I perceive a long day of doing work tomorrow, whether it be doing work outside or sitting at my desk rushing as many assignments as I possibly can.

I'm scared, hell, I'm really scared. I don't know if I have it in me to make it to the end of this year, let alone next year. I hate how high the expectations, and more than that, my targets are. The only thing this does is make it easier and easier for me to fall. I thank God for great friends who really hear me out and make me feel better - let me know we're all in it together, but at the end of the day that feeling of fear still lives inside me. I hate the feeling of chasing deadlines, chasing grades, pitting myself against a friend just for the sake of it.

I dream, dream of being far away; far away from everything. From books, people, grades, school, examinations, knowledge, information, technology, everything. Sometimes it's not the fault of anyone but mine, but that doesn't change the fact I feel so restless, and tire of everything around me. It's more difficult than it seems. But I'll make it. We'll all make it.

We have to.

146

I got 12 hours of sleep last night. I slept at 930. I feel amazing right now.

I was telling my friend yesterday that if I didn't decide on my Economics EE so early I'd be really tempted to write an English one on Pride & Prejudice, even now, I still am. But I know better than to give up my Economics EE and chase the P&P one. I also told her I really love Literature. When I have nothing to do, I turn to music, and literature.

Music and literature.

This has, in retrospect, been a good week. 2 more weeks to half term, I really hope tioman is as pretty as everyone says it is.

I miss the toybox girls, like crazy.

145

happy day:

i. started on macroeconomics

ii. reading the great gatsby, even though i should really be focusing on perfume

iii. ignoring the 3 assignments i really should be working on

iv. watching then next c-drama w/ my mum.

good day today, good days ahead.

144

Exhausted.

(It's not just exhausted, it's fatigued, on the brink of falling into a deep sleep and not waking up for the next 72 hours. This really reminds me of how I felt during the O's, just worse - spending literally every waking moment in continuous semi-consciousness because of how tired your mind is, and how weary your soul is)

--

Today, IB has got me doing Calculus (my favourite math topic), to Hey Soul Sister - Train. At least something gets me upbeat. Also, I got a good nap. So this day has been made. Jesus is amazing. :)

143

So IB has successfully kept me up to 3am working on a PRACTICE IA. Imagine if it was the real one. 3 hours of sleep has left me in the midst of insanity.

I don't know.

I don't understand.

There are many things I don't understand, things I shan't say here, but as the days pass and I find myself in quiet observation of the micro-world around me, and I honestly don't understand why some things are they way they are, why some people are the way they are, why we have to fight so hard just to make it, just to survive, why life must be so harsh and difficult, as beautiful as it is. Sometimes I really don't understand why certain traits are just so evident in particular cultures, but then again, who am I to judge?

This is going to get interesting.

(We're going to make it).

142

Seventeen.

I have the most amazing friends - I am so blessed and so loved. (Toybox - you guys are amazing x200, and I can't wait to meet up w/ y'all!)

As I told my friend - I'm not a kiddo anymore! But yes, this is an exciting year and I'm sure God has so much planned for me and praise be to Jesus for blessing me with a good seventeen years, and hopefully seventy (or around there) years more to go.

Please bless me through IB? :)

141

I am tired, really tired, exhausted. But relieved.

IB's in full swing so as you can see - there's really nothing else in my life right now. :(

140

I'm crawling along, but I'll get there.

The most common phrase I've heard today was "I'm tired". The second most common phrase I heard was "Calm down!" (directed at me). I have gone from lethargic to a pure display of violent tendencies since the former did not work.

Piano exam on Friday, Math + Chem IAs on Monday,

Seventeen on Saturday.

This has got to be the most hectic week I've had in 2011. Thank God for Skype and friends with answers for Math IAs.

God is good, all the time.

139

I'm a little bit more sane now.

School has been, in a word, overwhelming. Perhaps it's the innate stubbornness in me to refuse to sleep early, or the lack of self discipline to stop watching the dramas I got terribly addicted to during the break. Whatever it is, my refusal to relinquish my holidays is getting me no where, especially since I got thrown a math IA, chem IA and I've got a piano exam in two days. I suppose this week will be my toughest, hopefully then I'll get back into the rhythm of things - sleep earlier, and get my focus back.

Pray for the world. All over - stock markets crashing, rioting on streets. Someone's gotta save us, cuz it doesn't look like we can save ourselves. It's rather tragic.

3 days of school, you can do it Hannah - you've got it in you.

I would, you know, I would give it all up. I would give it all up to chase the stars at night, and count them of infinite measure, one by one. I would give it all up to run wild and free in the trees in the midst of the forest, encapsulated by the beauty all around it. To walk along the shore against the crashing waves, to be blown away by the wind. To experience it all, tribal children, village children, I'd give it all up, to become, even just for a while, a part of a different culture, to live and embrace.

But right now, all I ask for is the leisure of reading a book for leisure.

138

Math I.A,

I want to strangle you.

137

You tire me.

136

As promised:

Saturday Afternoon (23/7)

So my paranoia set in, and I'm in my gate before my plane even arrived. It's here now. I think we're boarding soon. It looks, to my pleasant surprise, like a 747.
There are many people here. I'm flying Lufthansa, so plenty "angmohs" here too. But yes, a kid sitting in his stroller managed to topple it and let out a piercing cry, after his mother's gasp of shock.

The pilots are now boarding. I like being early for flights. Of course, as I get more accustomed to travelling, which I do hope to do, being early may be less of an occurrence, maybe not. I also realised the security personnel are much friendlier when you arrive early.

The queue's stretched pretty far back now. There's a steady stream of passengers entering. It's pretty sweet to observe from the inside. I'd choose an hour of idling over an hour of frantic panic anyway. I just took another look at the ever extending queue. Plenty of Caucasians. I'm guessing European, or Australian. But I'd like to believe the former.

Two more years and I'll be out of this land that bleeds me dry too often than I'd like. I love Singapore, honestly. I do. It's a great place to live, and there are so many things I take for granted. But maybe, just maybe, I'd still like a change.

Maybe, just maybe, I'd trade a little bit of this safety for a little risk, and a whole lot of soul and adventure. Maybe, just maybe, I'd trade my cheap food and pay a little bit more, but enjoy the air there so much more. Maybe, I'll trade a little bit of this convenience, and take an hour long commute each day, but be a hell lot happier. No matter what you say about this country and how I should appreciate it, maybe, just maybe, I'll be a lot happier somewhere else. Be content with what you have? Yes. Let that be your reason for not pursuing something better? Hell no.

Yet maybe, I'll realise how much there is in Singapore, and how I can't wait to come back. Maybe, just maybe.

Here's hoping I sit next to someone interesting on the plane.

The Following Saturday (30/7)

So I'm a day away from the end of my trip. We've just said goodbye to another volunteer, Calum. He is an amazing person, and I've really gotten to know him over the course of this week. Such fun guy. It's sad, because tomorrow I go home and the house will be empty of guests.

Anyhow, this week has been, in my 16 years, 11 months and 17 days of life, the best week ever. I've met so many amazing people from all over the world. England, Indonesia, Germany, Columbia, and they have a crazy heart and passion for the people here. They've also really let me experience what it's really like living in Indonesia, and the whole trip has just been so much fun. I can't type out the essence of the trip, but I'd really like to share it with everyone.

God has truly been amazing. He's working so greatly in Indonesia and really has a heart for all to be saved. Each day many a turning to Jesus and it's just a shadow of His glory, how he, amongst other things, really changes lives.

Poverty.

I saw so much of it here, and till now, it's still surreal. I suppose that's because I only visited places. If you asked me to stay there a night, I'd probably freak out. It's crazy to see people living under roads. You can barely kneel in areas they stay, but you can't stand up at all. The ceiling's too low.

Surreal.

(Incomplete)

Sunday Evening (31/7)

It's late. I've got about twenty minutes before I'm to head to my gate.

This week has been amazing. It was a step out of my comfort zone and I wanted to go back after the first day, but now I can't bear to leave. The girls followed me to the airport, which was awfully sweet, especially since they usually say their goodbyes at the house. I cried twice. Goodbyes are so difficult, especially after we said bye to Calum yesterday.

This trip, however, has wet my appetite for travel and adventure. And at a near 17 years, before I even turned legal, I've got to experience this kind of adventure. It's no trek through the amazon, but it's still been a heck of a ride.

I can't wait to go places. Europe, for luxury and because it's so amazing, South America, for fun, adventure, and children, Africa, to appreciate, everything, North America, because you have to, and Asia for culture, and roots. Maybe even Antarctica. Just because I love water and the snow. I left out Australia and it's surrounding islands. Maybe it's because I feel most at home there, there's no need to travel there.

And after this trip, I am so fortunate and blessed to be in Singapore. We have everything at our fingertips. They say if you want to help, start in your own backyard. But I'm telling you, there are countries that need a lot more help than Singapore.

Yet, I still say I'd choose soul, adventure and life over cheap food, convenience and safety. So, this is me saying goodbye to my most amazing trip outside the country, returning to Singapore, which is for now, still home, buckling down for the next 1.5 years, getting my 42 and above, making it to a great university, hopefully one of the best, having the best gap year ever (our 10 month break), and moving to the UK for university.

Then, we'll see what happens.

But God has been so good, and this is just a temporary break from soaking in the world.

IB, I'm ready for you.

Thank You Jesus.

--

135

I had an amazing week, but I don't have time to type it all now. Watch this space - it'll be up in two days.

For now:

Focus Hannah, focus. Get your head back in the game. Work hard through these 1.5 years and don't look back.

134

Gone for a week, but I'll leave you with this:

+

Echo - The Hush Sound

"you were the navigator who never could lead/we were lost in the silver sea/i was the ship who was too proud to ever sink"

(i can't wait.)

133

You are not what I thought you were.

(2 half essays later, I haven't even begun to pack, or thought through what I need to pack. God bless me).

132

I hate how it's past midnight this Friday morning and I've got 3 essays waiting for me when I awake from my slumber.

Anyhow, I wrote this earlier today:

"Quite honestly, I’d tell you I love to speak to dreamers. Heck, if I had a choice, I’d be a dreamer. Sometimes I still am. Sometimes, but rarely. It’s so refreshing to talk to people who just believe the best in everything. The world is far from what it’s supposed to be, but it’ll get there, someday, they tell me. It almost paints a fresh coat of hope for me when I speak to people whose reality is not distorted by the cruelty and darkness of the world.

I’m not a full time dreamer, as I said previously. But I’m a full time hopeful. I believe in hope, I believe hope keeps people going. Faith, hope, and love. The hope in a better tomorrow keeps us living today. The hope of a better future pushes us to work hard, now. The hope in what we do not have, drives us to strive for it, now.

Whatever it is, please know this:

I believe in you."

131

I'll admit I'm not one to be easily impressed.

But at the same time, I'm not one to be unimpressed easily either. I may not like what you're doing, but being unimpressed is a completely different thing.

Then there's you.

"Heal my heart and make it clean,

Open up my eyes to the things unseen.

Break my heart for what breaks yours,

Everything I am for your Kingdom's cause.

As I walk from Earth into Eternity"

Still fighting, still pushing, but I'll get there. Wait upon Him. Wait.

Amen.

130

I realise that,

I don't so much need a holiday (although I'd like one), I need the discipline to turn down social events, because I know too many of those only tire me out. I need the discipline to just get off social networking sites because those too, tire me out.

What I need is alone time.

(and rest in God, labour into rest).

The fight isn't easy, but one day I'll cross the line.

I'm going on a semi-hiatus, because I know I'm only asking myself for trouble if I say I'm on hiatus.

To everyone who's been reading, I hope you all have been living a good life!

Cheers. :)

129

Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy.

- F. Scott Fitzgerald.

P.S: On that note, does anyone have The Great Gatsby to lend me?

128

Eh. I realised I should try to start on some work.

Anyway, Perfume is becoming terribly difficult to read through without me needing to puke every two minutes. This is something I'm going to have to work through. God help me.

The Lonely Forest.

Kinda big time epic.

Life. Stranger than we think.

127

"You can take everything I have, you can break everything I am/Go on and try to tear me down, I'll be rising from the ground, like a skyscraper."

Demi Lovato - Skyscraper.

I've always been a quiet fan of Demi Lovato. I think she's got a lot of music potential in her, especially live. She's really raw with her music, in my opinion, even if it doesn't sell the most records and her other news always outshines her music.

But this is an amazing song. It really is.

We're all conquerors.

126

I hate to-do lists. They always make me so stressed out. But, they keep me in check and going.

Discipline.

(Discipline and Self-Motivation are two of the most valuable traits I've cultivated a little bit more this year. I've still got a long stretch to go though.)

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

It's alright, it's alright. God's got His hand of protection on me. I shall trust in Him.

Friends have a place. I'm thankful for good friends, even in SJII.

I believe friends deserve to know. More than burdening others with our problems, I believe friends deserve to know. I signed up for helping my friends when I decided to be their friend. I prefer you tell me than suffer in silence. (Of course, it's a different story if you know your friend is already heavy burdened). Is it an issue of really not wanting to burden someone or pride? I mean, I don't expect my friends to have a solution for me, although it'll be a nice surprise if they did. But it reassures me a lot to know I'm not going through something alone. (I suppose the opposite is true - friends are here to celebrate for you when you do well. :) )

Retreat, Hannah.

Learn to retreat.

125

Things I really need to learn:

1. To appreciate the beauty in every person

2. To focus on the good, not the bad.

3. Rest in His love - labour into rest.

4. How to switch off the computer.

5. How to disconnect from the internet

6. How to spend time with myself.

7. Stand up for what you believe in.

8. There's so much more than just this.

9. Always be content, never be comfortable.

10. Love - 1 Corinthians 13.

This world is beautiful - humanity, is beautiful.

124

"In your weakness He is stronger, in your darkness He shines through"

--

I love it when we pseudo joke about spending eternity with someone in Heaven, because I know it's the greatest blessing to have. :)

God is so good.

Amen.

(I still have a lot on my mind - sleep seems to be the best solution. But I know He restores my soul and fills me with His perfect peace. Rest in His love, it is coming for me).

123

My glorious summer days have been filled with some exercising, a trip to starbucks, playing with a string quartet, and meeting up with some of my favourite girls. More than that, it's been a time of refreshing/radical revival, and will continue to be so.

I've still got a tremendous amount of things to do - many at the top of my head. I've got to learn to let it all go, - let it all go. Rest in His love.

Now, I say - I can't believe 3 weeks have almost passed. I better get down to some work. Heh. It kinda sucks that all good things come to an end - but I guess it's the hope in tomorrow that keeps us going anyway.

I am so tired. Rest in His love, rest in His love.

122

God is good, ALL the time.

Now, that changes things.

I pray this month will be a month of personal revival. If you can, please pray for me too. Thank you.

Be blessed!

121

(missing kelly + joellyn :( )

(but) enough said.

120

Life, as it should be lived.

Today was beyond amazing. It was comfortable, and comfortable at a long stretch. Also, I realised Singapore water isn't that ugly, especially when mother nature's on your side. I love the toybox girls.

Btw, I saw this on tumblr today. "To create is to destroy." - Reminds me of a certain phrase by my favourite economist, "Creative Destruction" - Joseph A. Schumpeter.

I'm amazed, really.

119

An excerpt of what MG Chan Chun Sing, (Walkover) MP for Tanjong Pagar said:

He repeated often his conviction that young people must ask less what the government can do for them and more what they can do for themselves, reported ST.

”Small problems or big problems, we always ask: What is the Government doing? There is a certain mentality (that makes me) worry. We can do much more to take charge of the destiny of our life than to ask, what is Government doing?"

I'll let you guys handle this one.

(I do look forward to 2016 though.)

My apologies, politics is in my blood.

118

I think behind every physical battle is a mental battle, and behind every mental battle is a spiritual battle.

(I'm not even referring to spiritual as in God, but literally the soul.)

i. You know it's a good day when you can sleep from 2pm to 5pm.

ii. Still trying to wreck my brain around Keynesian macroeconomic, IT'S REALLY STRANGE.

iii. NAIRU - Non Accelerating Inflation Rate of Unemployment.

Anyway, Jiahui recommend a good website - www.thoughtcatalog.com.

Cheers,

Hannah Schumpeter Lui. ;)

117

I swear, when I watch C.L.I.F. and they keep finding dead bodies I'm like ... "you can't be serious". Then every other day a dead body is found floating here and floating there. So, now I get it.

--

Anyway, tonight was amazing, and in one word, comfortable. It was the kinda comfortable company I haven't felt in ages. Everything felt right. Really right. Frivolous talk about anything and everything filled the atmosphere and the strange lights going on and off; comfortable silences and the craziest laughter.

I still lack sufficient sleep, sufficient water, sufficient exercise (now know why I'm always sick?), and sufficient veggie. More than that, I lack enough reading, thinking, and writing. But tonight was amazing, and I was so thankful how it all came together in the end.

"This too, shall come to pass"

Keep believing.

PS: I tried spending my way out of debt today (sound familiar?) - it didn't work.

116

Wow. I'm so tired.

Anyway, I saw a copy of the papers this morning and I realised I haven't read the papers in ages. It's almost a sense of relief. A complete tear away from everything I've had to follow for the past 6 months. Of course, worried about being completely oblivious to everything going around me, I decided to read it.

In other news, I caught Monte Carlo with my friends today. An good chick flick, there was this really nice song playing at the montage of the beach scenes. I thought I'd be able to find it on the net, but to no avail. It's my #3 summer song. So if anyone can find it, or will be watching it (HAHAHAHA), help me make a mental note alright!

(:

115

To you: I don't know how frequently you visit this blog, but let me know when we're on good terms again, back to how it was.

I'm not mad, or sad, just a little broken and very disappointed.

--

I've been stumbling upon quite a few of my SJII friends' blogs. All very interesting, all very different. It's always such an eye opener. On a completely different tangent, the Lee Kong Chian Reference Library is amazing. Plethora of economic books. I felt like I was in heaven. :) Also, I'm this close to giving up on the EE I haven't even started.

#2. Good Life - One Republic

(This song makes me hate Singapore but fall in love with life so much more.)

"night turns to whatever we want we're young enough to say

/this is gonna be a good life"

Cheers!

114

Kari Jobe - You are For Me

I know that You are for me,

I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness.

Thank you, Father, for being my saving Grace.

I know your promises are true,

and today, I cling on to them like never before.

Amen.

113

Since the holidays have started, I've really wanted just to lounge around with a cup of coffee and a good book. I have the lounging area, the coffee, and the good books. So what am I missing?

Time.

And perhaps a little discipline.

But anyway, Summer's here, and I'll be sharing my soundtrack! (:

#1. Coachella - Brooke Fraser.

I swear, I cannot get tired of this song. I've posted it up before, but this song is amazing. It accompanied in Berlin, and it was perfect. Coachella makes me want to get up dance down the street and greet everybody, make ten, twenty new friends and spend an entire evening in front of the beach with them.

(Church today was amazing. AR Bernard is brilliant, but that's for a little later).

{To everyone with horrid CTs tomorrow, all the best with those! We are more than conquerers through Christ who loves us.}

Cheers!

112

Home.

"All I have are the choices I make"

- David Norris, The Adjustment Bureau.

So, to set the record straight, my flight was delayed 3 hours and 10 minutes. I caught 3 movies, and barely slept 30 minutes. But, I'm home. My guilty pleasure is always using the "Singaporeans/Permanent Residents" lane when coming back. And, as I suppose everyone knows, I'm not the fondest of Singapore. But it's home. At least for now.

Today was a lazy day, the only thing on my to-do list is to really really clean up my room. Organise my desk and make it conducive for the next 5 weeks of reading, writing, making music, photography (editing) and I suppose, a lil' bit of homework.

5 weeks more of freedom. Fresh freedom, no chains. Life is good.

All we have are the choices we make.

(choose wisely).

111

(Obviously, I didn't write this today, but here you are):

An extract:

On the fly:

It's a long wait till the plane leaves Beijing Capital International Airport. The captain just told us we're 28th in line on the departure list. I've got my copy of Capitalism, Socialism and Democracy, Joseph Schumpeter beside me (a great read, by the way), but it's a little heavy right now. They also said phones off, but since we're number 28, I'm sure they won't mind.

So my mind's been really active since we've been on vacation (vacation from school, that is). It's good. I've finally had the time I've needed for myself, and I've been able to process things at my own pace. I don't have to care about that next assignment or that next test, I don't have to be conscious about the grades or effort I'm putting in. It feels good to have all this stress of your back. I suppose, if I compare this to my counterparts in local schools, I really can't say I have much to complain about. But then again, it's a very different kind of stress. Maybe less in magnitude, but that hardly matters.

I plan to write a letter to my 23 year old self when I get home, especially because I've been wondering if my 8 year old self would be proud of me. Would yours?

Its raining outside. Lightly. It's one of the most beautiful scenes I've seen in a while. Reflected red light on a surface of ever changing water patterns, the light flow of the smallest droplets, all emphasised by the darkest surroundings. Amazing contrast.

Honestly, I can't wait till the plane takes off. There're a few movies I've been meaning to watch. To those who don't know, I quite appreciate watching movies. :) If you're wondering, it's 16:40 right now. The plane was scheduled for take off at 16:00. But who can blame them. It's China after all. If their capital airport isn't busy, the world wouldn't be half as flat as it is today, and the global economy would lose half it's stimulus.

It's started pouring. Now I'm glad I caught that video of the gently streaming rain. One of life's best feelings is to watch the rain outside knowing you're completely safe and warm inside, wherever you are.

I love observing the world, people. I love people. Humanity makes the world. I always believe that. I always believe in the better. No matter how good things are, I always believe they can get better. It's interesting how philosophy shapes economic and political theories. In my distant dreams, perhaps I would shape a theory in my belief of the better. Maybe. Maybe not.

I've always been an optimist. A "die-hard optimist", my mother would term me. Yet, this year has turned me into more of a realistic optimist. And no, I don't regret it. I prefer being this way. In some sense, it keeps me grounded. In other ways, it keeps me working towards the achievable. But realistic or idealistic, I've always been the optimist.

On this year. 2011 has been such a strange one. It's been horrid, then good, then not so good, then not so bad. Very strange. I think it's always important to keep things in perspective. To always be grateful. It's not easy living in a way you're never content.

People like to say I'm an open book. I beg to differ. It's easy to get to know me, to get to know about me. Is it easy to know me? Well, I don't think so. Does that matter? Hardly.

I wonder how I got to this point. Almost an open expository about myself. How conceited of me. Well, it's 10 minutes on and we're still nowhere near even moving from this damn gate.

It's almost been an hour since our scheduled take-off time. I'm tired. I'll take a nap in my semi-comfortable economy class seat now. With any luck, the captain shall have made his second announcement by the time I wake up.

China's been great. But more than that, the people have been the most interesting to watch. I'll try to sum up whatever's still in my memory in a day or two. Travel journalism. An amazing hobby. Now, if only I can find a magazine or newspaper which would hire me.

Cheers!

PS: He's made the second announcement. There's going to be a delay of at least 1.5 hours. And it's already been an hour and ten minutes. Hell yes.

--

110

So, to my unexpected surprise (redundant phrase), there's wifi AND Facebook here in China.

It's been a good holiday so far, I've been enjoying it immensely, the Great Wall was magnificent, and the Forbidden City a little crowded, but still very interesting. But China's interesting. The demographics, the way the country (or city) runs, the way over a billion people can just make it that much more dynamic. And, the fact that I'm blogging all the way over here into a global portal, accessible from almost anywhere in the world just emphasises that the world is flat. Tomorrow and Wednesday though, is shopping + unwinding days.

I've been reading 3-4 books at once: One Day, The Ascent of Money, Freakonomics, Too Big to Fail. It feels really good. I've been eating well, and sleeping well, and doing a lot more of what I love.

So take this IB: Screw. You.

I hope everyone has been having a smashin' time. (:

109

F.R.E.E.D.O.M.

(that's what i'm talking about).

So the holidays are finally here. I've got 3 essays to do, one book to read. It's a pretty small workload for 6 weeks, if you think about it. Whatever it is, this is the time to kick back. 6 weeks of freedom, and I'm going to fill it with the things I really love. From photography to music, to foreign films, literature, economics, philosophy, politics, to exercising, healthy living, ENOUGH SLEEP, many many (budget) social gatherings with people who matter most, this is what I plan to do.

It still feels extremely strange to be given such a long break in the middle of no where. I'm going to miss my free periods doing the strangest things, and classes with the loveliest people. But I'll save the missing for later. For now, liberation has come.

I'm celebrating. (!!!!!!)

PS: I'll be off to China for the next 6 days, so see you fancy readers back here then!

108

Exhausted. Dead exhausted.

But hey, ONE MORE FRICKIN DAY.

Hallelujah. I see the light.

107

2 FRICKIN DAYS MORE.

We all have bad days, then good days. Some of us have bad months, bad years. But anymore than that and I think I won't be able to take it.

But as we go on, and we start putting things in perspective, even our bad days aren't so bad. I mean honestly, life is shit, being a teenager in this world. It's horrible. There's so much to overcome and so much to get through. That being said, there's also so much that we already have, that we always fail to take note of. There are so many people who lack what we already have. I mean, this really doesn't make sense until you get the revelation of it.

Anyhow:

I honestly believe the unquestioned acceptance of Keynesian macroeconomics is why America is in such deep shit right now. I can't deny that Keynes raised good theories, but spending isn't always the way out (although it's been made this way). I mean you're US$15 trillion in debt (US$ 15,000,000,000,000) and you're still trying to spend your way out of this. If it was going to work, it would have worked a long time ago, you're not stimulating your economy quick enough. And to be honest, it still may work, but it's not going to work short term. You need a new plan, pronto.

"I want real growth not a series of bubbles".

(I'd actually go with Hayek but syllabus makes me learn Keynesian so I've got no choice).

106

"I love you Dex, I just don't like you anymore."

There's something about loving someone without liking them. I'm pretty sure I've loved people I don't like, and I like people whom I don't love, but most people understand the latter. Anyhow, this movie looks amazing, I can't stop rewatching the trailer, so I shall read the book in the holidays. Also, 3 @#$%ing days more.

Hell yes.

105

The contradictory week.

This week, by far, is the busiest I've had in my 5 months in this school. Yet, the holiday spirit is so high, everybody is either no longer in school or in such good cheer. There's something about the internationalism of it, because you know everyone will be returning home. There's so much to look forward to, yet so much more to make sure you overcome.

It always breaks my heart a little when I think of how we never really happened. We could of been so much, yet we were nothing. It was almost because we tried too hard, then gave up. It almost happened, but it never did. Off and on, I catch myself thinking what would happen if one of us just endured a little bit longer, or if the timing was just a little bit closer. But, I know we've got 2 good lives ahead of us, and whatever happens, well, life just happens.

I got myself hooked on Asian dramas, again. Just in time. Hello 6 good weeks of doing almost nothing. You're going to be mine in, 4 days.

Hallelujah.

104

"All in all I had a very full life, it's just that it didn't mean anything"

- Will, About a Boy

My life plan is to get a good degree from a good university, marry the love of my life, and retire on a Italian vineyard.

Sounds good eh?

It's been a really lazy weekend, which is good if it was the holidays, but it isn't. One more week and I'm outta school for six good weeks. But there's a lot to push through this week. From the "holiday" mindset, to the gigantic workload our teachers have pushed upon us this week, to the collection of more work next week.

But God is good.

Amen.

103

I really enjoy quiet nights.

That in itself is an understatement. The lights around me aren't dim enough, but the music playing's enough to block out the surrounding, so it's not all that bad. I've probably said this a billion times, but I've really started to appreciate my alone time. School can get so tiring and exhausting sometimes, it's not even funny. The social mechanism at my school is such a funny one to try to work around.

But, today's been a good day. I've got my IOP over and done with, and I suppose I presented it well enough. It definitely could of been better, but that's all over and done with now isn't it? And, we finally get to move onto world lit, so that's a relief, and also something to look forward to. But this bores you, and I'm sorry.

I'm already in holiday mood, but (another) list of what I'd have/like to do in the holidays - {shoot more, watch more films, rewatch castle S3, watch cougar town S2, watch HIMYM S6, watch bones S6, write more, read x24124 (NO FRICKIN TIME IN IB), then there's the economics reading, econs ee, philosophy reading, political reading, hl math, and homework. bleh.}

I leave you with my new favourite song:

Joyce Jonathan - Je ne sais pas

I'm not even going to pretend I understand what the song says - though I have read the translated lyrics. But it's got a lovely melody and a pretty nice meaning. :)

Cheers!