about time -

so yes, if you're still here, i've finally moved:

http://www.rustacular.tumblr.com

seeya on the greener side

x

340

I think there are some things people need to know. (I don't know if people still come here anymore - but if you do, thank you)

1. you are not the only one struggling:
people all over the world are struggling, right here, right now; it's almost like it comes with life, y'know - to live at all is to struggle. 

2. you are not the only one fighting:
people all over the world are fighting - breaking past their struggles, moving forward, holding on to what they know as true. 

3. you are loved:
as much as I thank Jesus that I am His and Romans 8:38-39 is indeed what it is, I'm not talking about any sort of 'spiritual' love - I'm talking about real, solid love. Someone, right here, right now cares for you, is thinking of you, hoping for you. Remember that. 

It's almost the end of the first semester, which I know was a short two months, but a good (and tough) two months at that. Always growing, always loved.

(:

339

hello.

It's been a while - I do want to move and I have set up a site but I have been so overwhelmed (largely in a good way) since moving to the UK. Yes I am in the UK!

I don't know. I think for all that's happened, I really don't have anything to complain about. School's been good, save for the math lecturer that goes too quickly and the stats lecturer that goes too slowly. I've really been enjoying myself and the intellectual challenge that comes with it. I think I'm slightly behind work, but that'll change, I guess. 

People have been good too, but tiring. I love meeting new people - but deciding sorta who to invest in, to have coffee dates with and to put in the effort into establishing real good friendships has been tiring. Finding a church (!!) has been tiring too. I miss the feeling of loving people and growing with them and giving anything to love them and serve them and just be there for them. I know I'll find that group here, and am already starting to feel that way with certain groups of people, but I really want to find a church that puts Jesus in the centre (actually puts it, not just says it), and I can grow in and love with.

Soon, soon slow. 

God has sent me here, but more than that He has gone before me and He has called it good. Amen. 

We are more than conquerors - and in the NLT, it says that we have overwhelming victory through Christ who loved us. Man, that's amazing. That's really really amazing. I don't even man. But amen. 

338

I haven't been here in a long time, and I doubt I'll be here for much longer - I'll be moving, as I somehow like to do with every new season.

The past month and a bit has not been the easiest. I've been challenged in, I dare not say most, but definitely uncomfortable ways, having my identity shake-shake-shaken, beliefs challenged, but character moulded and refined. 

But I have made so many new friends, and my heart holds so much anticipation, and with anticipation, some hesitation as well. It has been more than comforting to know my future is good - and I have such security in that; and the sole reason for this security is because I have a great saviour, who loves me with such a fervent furious love.

It is amazing to know I'm not going to the away alone, but not just that I have great company, not just in the UK but in Bath as well. To know a cosy group of kingdom brothers and sisters will be flying right along with me is amazing. To think that God prepared this far in advance for each of us to bless each other is so so mindblowing. :') 

It is this that has been carrying me through: 

Faith Under Pressure

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

James 1:2-4 (msg)  

337

God has been so faithful, and I'm just so so super amazed.

In the spirit of full disclosure, there is a lot on my mind. In particular, there are 3 things I really want settled in the immediate, and 1 before the end of August (pretty much). But in the midst of all this, God has been so faithful.

I got up to share my testimony in front of the JC cluster yesterday, not knowing why on earth I was doing what I was doing. But I'm glad I took that step of faith. It's incredible, because when I started out I would never have expected to have made such an amazing group of kingdom friends we all call family. It was a long process of growing and struggling, but it's good to know there's only victory on the other side. 

There was someone there yesterday in particular and that was really quite amazing, just to see how God is working.

Keep on keeping on. 

336

Looking at the way I've lived my life in the past 5 months, and the choices I've made, I think I've learnt a lot about my character. 

It's good that I'll be catching a 3 week break at the end of it all, before I say that a new season in my life has officially begun - some things are so arbitrary, really. 

--

With so many things drawing to a close - north b (in which my time was spectacular), just a month and a half left of work, there are so many things just starting - getting a visa, the new varsity cg, moving to university  hopefully getting a license.

I think it just dawned on me that I am fortunate enough to still be in my youth. In fact, be in the very beginning of my youth. It's incredibly easy to get jaded, but I want to rinse this indifference off me and live intentionally. 

I have been given a life I can use beyond myself, beyond focusing on the necessary. I want to use it wisely. 

335

So it's been a bizarre, draining couple of days -

So I shot a question up to God:

"Why am I feeling to drained when your spirit is supposed continually refresh me?"

And within a second, He told me this:
"Because you took your eyes off Me"

And then I immediately drifted off into sleep.

334

For as long as I can remember, I always thought when I sung the phrase "I am yours", it was display of my commitment to Jesus. Like, hey! Look at me, I'm totally giving my life to Him.

But today, for the first time, in the midst of my weariness and muddled mind, I realise it's got nothing to do with me at all.

It is with great privilege I can declare these three words out. Because He came down from the heavens to call me His. That is why I can say I am Yours. It is a affirmation in the identity and inheritance I have in Christ. It is the reassurance I have when anything tries to topple me. Because I am yours, nothing can come in between us, and there is nothing except victory waiting for me at the end of it all.

It's been the toughest couple of weeks I've gone through in a while. But y'know what, in my weakness, his power is made perfect.

Amen.

333

I was writing a post while I was at TCC today but I forgot to save it (I was on my phone), so now it's gone.

I suppose it happens.

It was about a couple sitting on my immediate left, a strange combination of a Caucasian man complaining about Singaporean nuances (which make us Singaporean, really) and a Chinese lady with a less than accurate English accent, although to be fair, she was trying a best. He had a magazine, sorta like the finance version of The Economist, and she had a Chinese novel, which for the life of me I could not comprehend.

And I wondered how strange the human life is, how infinitely beautiful and complex our stories are, and how the mystery of it all is such an essential ingredient.

I'll never know how and why I meet the people I do, but I will always be grateful for exploring a little bit more - inch by inch - of this incredible planet we've been given for a home.

We were shrouded by haze for the past week, and when the sun finally came out again on Saturday, it wasn't the sun that you saw, but everything that the sun lit up. The sky, blue in its best hue, the clouds, in its best contrast of white. And I stood up in wide open awe for the next 5 minutes.

We've got this strange funny thing called souls. It causes life to happen. It makes you incredibly mad and sad but delirious at the same time.

And it was fearfully and wonderfully made.

332

This life is not about how much you love Him. 

It's about how much He loves you. 

331

I got a couple of texts this week asking me how I was - "how are you?" 

Now that's a strange question - because I honestly don't know. If you'd ask me what I've been up to, I'd be able to easily answer that, albeit with a long message. If you asked me whose I am, I could answer that too. 

But how am I? 

Steering away from the typical "why fine, thank you" - I honestly do not know. I sorta feel suspended in this time that is almost all yours. You know where you'll be in a couple of months - getting on with your life basically, and these few months has been a good time to stand still and really soak it all in. So I s'ppose that's what I've been trying to do. Soak it all in. 

I realise I really miss writing essays. I absolutely love writing essays (on subjects of interest, of course). It starts from choosing the font and formatting of the essay, and the physical touch to typing on the keyboard and watching words appear automatically on the crystal clear screen. The intellectual curiosity it stimulates as well - the gathering and processing of knowledge, physically flipping through the glossy pages of too-thick-for-its-own-good textbooks, and forming a coherent argument after countless drafts, to finally holding the hard copy, watching the black ink transform the white sheets of paper into an medium of knowledge.

I think I realise this every Sunday my pastor is in town, but I am infinitely blessed to come from the church I come from, to receive the revelation and the truth that will set me free every. single. week. There's nothing that can beat that. 

I used to write a lot better. 

330

Things I've been enjoying lately:

1. Having my pastor back!

2. Listening to really good sermons, not just by my pastor but plenty around the world

3. Drinking (and tasting) good coffee

4. Planning my next trip and how I'm going to get there

5. Reading good writing.

On points 2, 3 and 5:

2 - I really recommend you listen to the Walk This Way series by Pastor Jude of The City Church (Judah Smith's), and The Expectation Gap by Steven Furtick of Elevation Church. Both these churches are incredible and their pastors are incredibly incredble. 

3 - Nylon Coffee Roasters has some of the best coffee I've tasted in my entire life. Working where I work has really exposed me to this new industry which has been catching on so quickly, as well as the workings of a business. I will forever be grateful spending to have spent 5 months here. 

5 - I'm not necessarily referring to books, because I have recently read a lot of marvellously written blog posts. Not in the language they use, but what they reveal. 

I honestly cannot wait to take a step back and indulge in nothingness for about two weeks. Because that's all the break I am going to get. 

329

I read a book over the weekend. 

It was the kind of book I stayed up till 2am to finish, where I tried to read as fast as I could to get to the next page, to figure out what was going to happen, to hope they didn't die. 

I spent the next few days thinking about it. 

It wasn't a revolutionary, best selling, award winning sorta books. Those are good too, o'cuz, but I read a great book over the weekend, 

the kind that lingers in your mind, 

and I am very pleased about that. 

:) 

(PS, if you read The Winter Rose while playing Passenger's Let Her Go, you will bawl. Don't say I didn't warn you!) 

328

I am the woman caught in adultery.

Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, but early the next morning he was back again at the Temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them. As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd. “Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?” They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!” Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust. When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?” “No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.” (John 8:1-11 NLT)

The woman is I.

The Pharisees would have if they could, but my Saviour could, but he would not.

That is the immense love of Jesus, and boy, it doesn't stop there. On behalf of every believer, myself included, who has ever portrayed Jesus as anything less than full on love, I apologise.

He could, but he would not.

327

Back,

and I've deactivated Facebook and Twitter for about a week + now so I feel this is the only appropriate place to say this:

I need a to-do list.

Being in transition is quite fun, really - if not immensely tiring.

326

I am at changi airport terminal 1 with a good friend of mine to meet a good friend of ours in Sabah, Malaysia.

I funded the trip myself with an exception of a little bit of money my mum gave to me to spend, by working at a job I really love and tutoring a boy I really like to teach.

I sit here in extreme gratitude for this is a lifestyle I would really like to live, and to think at 18 I am getting to live it already is just blows my mind. I started travelling semi independently at 16, and less so now.

I'll be heading to the UK to study at the end of the year for 4 years, and ideally, after that, I'd love to start my own business and keep on travelling while building my Saviour's kingdom.

There's a lot on my mind and I'm so immensely blessed I find it hard to take in.

I'll be boarding now, so I'll catch you when I'm back.

325

I am realising, with a greater revelation each day, that I need Jesus.

I need Him with a great desperation, with every beat of my heart, every fibre of my being. 

and I'm not exaggerating.

In fact, it's probably an understatement. 

324

Sometimes you gotta know how to make yourself happy.

Sometimes it hurts (regardless of a lot or a little, pain is still pain) - so you cry a little, let the tears run. Then you take a deep breath, and make yourself happy. 

Whether it's giving yourself a reason to keep smiling, buying yourself an ice chai latte, screaming to a friend, or talking to Jesus - make yourself happy, and life moves on. 

I think this is how life works: more people will get rejected than accepted, more people will fail than succeed, more people will cry than laugh. But at the end of the day, we all make it. We will make it. We will do something before our time is up, we will make a difference. And I don't think it'll be easy, but it will happen.

The past 4 months have passed in such a whirl. Sometimes I slow down and stop and start to think about what I've been doing, and I can't say I've been doing very much at all. 5 more months left and it's university, and I'm so excited, and there are a terrible number of 'ands' in this sentence. 

I have decided D is my favourite chord and A is my least favourite, which is a pity because they're in the same family of chords. 

323

There are one of two things you should have, I realise, that'll help you succeed. 

Drive, or sheer brilliance. 

I quite envy people with an insurmountable amount of drive, the drive that doesn't come from pure ambition, but rather - purpose, calling. The drive that allows you to conquer every mountain, and to pick yourself up after every failure - because God knows - we're gonna fail. 

Sheer brilliance is fun to watch. I like to believe everyone has been given at least the potential of sheer brilliance in a certain category of their life. Some never find it, some instantly do, and some just can't be bothered to work towards it. 

I like watching exceptional people. People who are either so good at what they do, or so determined about what they do. It's refreshing to see people so full of spirit. 

Also, I've noticed, on a rather unrelated strand - people are so unhappy nowadays. 

322

The past week has been a little dry and a little disappointing - I spent most of it wondering "when am I going to live an exceptional life" / "what can I do so I'll live an exceptional life"

Without realising this:

I already live an exceptional life.

321

I love the Lizzie Bennett Diaries - and everyone should watch it because it is the cutest thing ever, but I take issue with people who are suddenly on this Lizzie/Darcy ship like it wasn't the most established thing since a gazillion bagillion years ago, okay - actually, 200. 

I mean Jane Austen is the most amazing author every and Pride and Prejudice will remained forever etched in our hearts and a youtube adaptation should not overshadow that. 

Mhm. 

I'm so please I'm going to Bath in the end hehe. But yes I still have not had enough time to settle down and clean my room and journal and read because I fell sick and yez. 

320

I have a lot to be thankful for. It seems like poor taste to list it, but for the sake of my memory, I shall. 

1. I'm going to a good university. It may not be Oxbridge or the Trinity in the states, but it's good, and I believe it'll lead me to good places. 

2. I have a good job. It may not pay the best, but I am in no lack, I love the environment - and I look forward to it. 

That's about it for now, really. But my life has been full of blessings, full of favour, full of adventure. My first trip to Bali is at the end of this month, followed by Sabah at the end of May, hopefully Legacy at the end of June, Melbourne at the end of July and Hong Kong some time in August - before finally heading off to the UK in September. 

Good times, good times.

Most of all, I must say, I'm grateful for the best family and amazing friends who keep me company through everything, from daily ranting sessions to university (see ya in the UK friends !!), and keep me looking forward to everything. I'd sincerely have no idea what life would be like without people that matter to you. 

Thinking of getting myself the iPod classic. Hmm. 

319

Have you ever walked your streets early in the morning?

It's pitch dark, well, almost - yet the skies sing a different tune than what it does late at night. It sings of redemption and a new day, where no matter what happened before, it's a chance to start again. When the town's vice has all been said and done, at least for that day - and the city is starting to awaken.

The sky then starts to do a funny dance. Half of it starts to light up; hues of the sweetest blue and purple make their way to the front amongst streaks of clouds. The other half is still dark though. I suppose it'll take it's time.

Soon the sun will be coming out. A hot, orange glow in all it's glory. The sun is amazing if you think about it. We survive because of this one object. Light, heat. One source.
--

I used to wake up early for sunrise service on Easter Sunday at my old church. But now I find myself awake at 630 to trudge to Buona Vista for 830 service. Iris said my bus would take 19m to come, and I contemplated cabbing to the nearest MRT station, but decided against it.

I guess it's because God wanted me to see the colours dancing against the canvas of the skies, and if I'm lucky (I don't actually believe in luck, but for the lack of a better word), maybe to even see the sunrise.

It's Easter - it's redemption, it's Jesus risen. It's the once and for all forgiveness of my sins, 2000 years ago, before I even knew I existed. It's his majesty, awesomeness and love all in one.

(I didn't plan this post. It was spontaneous. I stared at the sky and wondered why I had such inspiration so early in the morning. Now I know why.)

On a day my soul is empty (or full, or I'm between) I'll find it in myself to take a walk to the beach to watch the sunrise.

318

this post is in II parts:

I:

You are more. Not just you, but you too. 

The world seems to miss soul and substance. They go for what they can see, results, performance, cars, houses, clothes (or the lack of it). They head for temporary highs - drugs, alcohol. I have friends so full of life, full of love and full of belief in the better who are made to feel like rejects, failures. They can live their whole lives not knowing their worth because the world's standards are so false, deceptive. 

I know people who just. don't. have. an. identity. They don't know who they are, or whose they are, or what they're here for (without purpose). It's not easy to live like that, it really isn't. But your value isn't in what you can or have achieved. It's in who you are. You are intrinsically valuable. 

I am grateful I can share amazing conversations over a cup of coffee, as well as a glass of champagne. I am grateful I can disagree with people yet have a conversation that goes somewhere, because everybody is different and has a different point of view. I am grateful I have friends who remind me at the end of the day, no matter how many medals you win, cars you buy, times you lose or days you fail, all that matters is Jesus. That I belong to Him and that is enough. 

Above all, I am grateful I know who I am, whose I am, and everyday, I'm growing in the revalation of what I'm worth. 

And I hope you do too. Because you are so much more than you think you are - you are not measured in the grades you get, the school you go to, and the dollars you earn. 

II:

I work in a cafe - and it is an amazing experience.

Everyday I am learning so much more - the simple demographics of our tiny nation, I see people I want to be friends with (and give extra tags to), to people I simply can't stand - because of prejudgement. I wonder if I got to know them and find out what's at the depths of their soul, I'm sure we'd connect on the same level. 

More than that, I'm learning empathy and compassion. I love staring out and seeing who's here, who's who, and seeing how people interact.

I love seeing happy people come into the cafe. I'm not saying we should always be happy, but I see so many people out with family mostly, some with children, some just as couples, so sad and so grumpy and I wonder if they are truly happy, if on a day out with people you're supposed to love the most, you are still unable to smile. But joyful ones really make my day. I mean they just look like they've got a whole lot of sunshine and put it in their pocket. Brightens my day. 

I think we're all too afraid to be honest. We hide behind masks and perfect everything before we present it, we hide our scars and patch up our broken hearts. But we're all broken, we're all searching, and we could all do with a little more love, and a little more honesty - because that's where we'll find the heart of others.  

317

Good Friday.

Right now, I'm on my way to work. But thinking back to 2000 years ago, my saviour, knowing all He was about to endure still chose to die on the cross for the once and for all forgiveness of my sins, so I can have life, and life more abundant.

I think this is one of the days I hope will continually grow in meaning over the years for me.

My soul is overwhelmed. :)

316

I think after all's said and done, 

I am incredibly in love with life, even when it doesn't feel like there's much to be in love with. I don't know how this "I have a soul" thing works, but I would have been terribly upset if my soul didn't get a chance at living, didn't get a chance to learn, grow, and form an indelible relationship with my Saviour.

But I suppose God doesn't create souls that don't get the chance of living. It's amazing to know He's got my entire life in His hands. 

-- 

This song, this version - moves me every time: 

God bless you, each and everyone of you, whether you believe in Him or not. 

315

This has been such. a. long. week.

It feels like it's been at least a week since my folks came back from the Japan, and 2 weeks since my friends last came over, but truthfully, it's only been half the time. I've worked 3 full day shifts in a row and my feet are broken. (quite literally)

I do like my job but it is tiring. I am learning so much on the job - about the job, about people, and about myself. I have come to realise we are all different and am continually eternally grateful for my kingdom friends - those I know will see me through my days on earth, and I am certain we'll be visiting each other's grand houses in Heaven, aside from the time we are too in awe of God to do anything else - which I s'ppose would be most of it. 

I have so much to say, so much I probably can't remember, and so much I want to do. 

I may or may not post it in one segmented post, or many posts. But right now, I'd like to sleep - following that, get past my violin exam and then we'll begin again. 

- 

314

I am in the midst of writing a really honest letter to God. I addressed it to both God and Jesus because I honestly will never know how the Trinity works and I do want them both to read it, so just to be safe.

Nobody sees me at my darkest. I don't often get drained, or tired, but I really am now. Not for a single reason. There was an analogy I really like from Michael Lewis' Boomerang. "You can't put a finger on what caused the Greek crisis, but if you put your whole hand over the reasons, a finger would touch tax evasion." In the same way, if you put a hand over what drains me, I know where the fingers would reach. 

I may actually take a long shower, and a good cry for no other reason than I am really drained, and crying is an amazing way to release emotions. 

I actually had a really good day today - I love my serving team so much. They're like family, ish, and it's only been two weeks. I honestly don't know how I'm going to leave Singapore and the amazing amazing community I've been part of the past two years. It's bullshit, this "you can't find community in a megachurch", and my senior pastor would not approve of me swearing, but I am honestly too tired for this. 

I see children from 24 months being brought up in the grace of God, in the love of Christ, and even when they need to be corrected, it is done out of love. We teach them there is a higher way, that they are set apart, and have a glorious destiny, and it is amazing. 

Kingdom minded. 

313

Pride and Prejudice - the most universal love story ever written. 

Ugh this Austen is such a genius. Also everybody, go watch the Lizzie Bennet Diaries. :) 

One of the things I really like about my choices is that I try to be as well read as possible, and travel as much. 

This is an insanely disjointed post but all I really wanted to say was I love Pride & Prejudice and it has ruined all my expectations so - you can blame Austen. 

312

extraordinary

It hit me today that I will be leaving this amazing group of friends I have found, known as North B, especially the J3s. Never in my wildest imagination would I have thought I'd find such an amazing group of kingdom minded friends in new creation. Everyone tells me the problem with a megachurch is that there is no sense of community, that there's no fellowship, that it's not cosy. 

That's a complete and utter lie. Yes, you'll have to go out of your way to make friends, it'll be awkward the first few times - but God directs your steps, - so fight through the initial resistance, because it's going to be so worth it in the end. I have been exceedingly and abundantly blessed the past two years, and I know it's not going to stop now. I go from glory to glory. 

I mean, yes - waiting gets difficult. Not knowing if LSE wants me, not knowing which school to go to, not knowing what my future holds, it's all difficult. But that's all speculation. His word says He knows what He's doing, His word says my future is good, His word says I'm in the right place at the right time, His word says I am not called to be mediocre. 

- and that is what is going to come to pass. 

311

It's not fair. 

You see all these self-indulging statements, how people "don't care" / "pretend to care" / "say they want to understand you but don't" / "are insincere" / "are too superficial" - like it's all their fault. 

But it's not. Everyone is fighting a hard battle. Objectively, some harder than others. But souls are not transferrable. Neither is pain. It just doesn't work like that. Everybody only fully experiences their own battles. You can't expect anyone to fully understand you - it just doesn't work that way. 

These statements, these self indulging statements place a far too unfair responsibility on the rest of the world. It's not that they're too superficial, it's probably just that their own battle preoccupies them too much. Also - how much are you letting go? I knew someone I simply couldn't connect with because he refused to let me in, no matter how hard I tried. It's not that we run away when life gets tough, sometimes we get pushed away, sometimes we're never let in, sometimes we honestly cannot handle it. 

There's nothing wrong with someone taking care of themselves first. 

This is why I'll never be anything more than a right winged capitalist - because I believe in the individual. 

310

addicted to this song:

you call me out upon the waters / the great unknown where feet may fail / and there I find you in the mystery/ in oceans deep / my faith will stand //

// I will call upon your name / keep my eyes above the waves / where oceans rise / and my soul will rest in your embrace / I am yours and you are mine //

// your grace abounds in deepest waters / your sovereign hand / will be my guide / where feet may fail and fear  surrounds me / you've never failed and you won't start now //

// spirit lead me where my trust is without borders / let me walk upon the waters / wherever you will lead me // take me deeper than my feet could ever wander / and my faith will be made stronger / in the presence of my saviour // -

309

I live a life of constant realisation. 

I realise I am amazingly blessed to live a life where I know God, and have a personal relationship with Jesus. I believe in Him, and I believe He's made my life exceedingly and abundantly all I could have ever done for myself. 

I realise a lot of times we let many things that should never be cliches become cliches. Pastor Lian told us today - "never get familiar with the favour of God". My entire existence is based upon my Saviour's death on the cross. It's not a one time thing. 

I realise my IB testimony is not a U-A sort of testimony that many were sharing. It's a God brought me to a better place testimony. It is a God worked through me through the past two years, showing me His heart - His real heart, revealing my identity, showing me what a "Christ in me" was capable of. Yes, putting me in the right place at the right time and favour with the examiners, but it is a lot more than that. As always, the IB and the amazing results my A level friends achieved - it's a side effect of God's grace, and not the other way round. 

I think you take a while to come to this conclusion, but if I could choose again, I'd honestly not live another person's life. It is as if you start out as an empty vessel and grow, and learn, and form a relationship with yourself (if that's possible). You start to love yourself a bit more and appreciate yourself from where you've come, and you've built a completely unique relationship with Jesus that I would not change for the world. 

- also, hillsong united's zion is ah.ma.zing, so do check it out (!!!) 

308

"There's something I like about lonely people. He sure looks lonely.

His shirt says beer + baseball = it's all good. I wonder if he lives life on such a simple principle.

But he's on a train, and he's getting off, so he must be going somewhere, right? Meeting company?

I sure hope so. He looked rather aloof, not knowing where he was going or what he was doing, but I'm sure he was just finding his bearings.

It's not that I like lonely people, but there's something that draws me in. You see them defences down, not trying to impress anyone, anything. It's not a rawness but it's definitely real. Maybe I'm referring to people who are alone. But you can tell when someone is lonely.

I've come across many people alone in buses and trains, but very few lonely. But being lonely adds an extra weight to it, another dimension. I think you see them a little more human.

I wonder where he went. He was pretty old, had a baseball cap and an empty can of oolong tea. He got off at promenade , my guess is he's a tourist.

I pass by probably a thousand people a day, each one with their own stories, longings and fears. Dreams, failures and people they love. But I don't know any of them.

I should start treating people like people. This urban-ness hasn't done anything good for my people to people interactions."

- my mind on a Saturday while waiting for violin class.

307

"This, was literally, a miracle"

Today I went for cg, I went for cg without knowing if I'd be at cg 5 hours before it started. I was the only part timer at work, and I left the shop, on a Friday evening, to 2 full timers who had lotsa other things to do. But the boss said go, so I went. 

And it was amazing - the honesty, openness and vulnerability that the cg displays blows my mind. This is a group of people knowing they are loved by the king and build themselves in the security of it. Mostly, everyone did well for their As. But the most beautiful thing was everybody - every, single, person, was in abandon to the great God who has blessed all of us with such excellent results - that we may not say it is I, but Him who gives it all; Him who has given us every bit of energy, every bit of favour, and every bit of "right place at the right time" to succeed in this world until we are called home. Straight As or not so straight As, it was amazing. It really was. 

Now - believing God for Legacy camp! I know I'll experience God everywhere but I'm sure Legacy camp would just be corporate worship and corporate anointing on a whole. new. level. It'll be my first & last time I getta go so here's trusting! 

Making the most amazing friends at cg and at work and keeping the most amazing friends and family with me all the time. Wow. 

Lotsa other people did really well for their As so congrats to them too. :) But we don't just celebrate the winners - we celebrate everyone. 

So happy or not so happy, here's to you. 

306

processing, processing. 

If there are 2 words to describe the year so far, it'd be "in transit". 

I am trying my best to find some structure and balance in my life, which isn't easy because - one, I'm not a person of structure or schedule, I like spontaneity, and two, I'm taking on very many things at once. A plethora of choices are being placed in front of me, most lead me to the unknown, which is always very intimidating. I'm fine with changes, in fact, I quite like changes - that doesn't mean I like the unknown, nor does it mean I won't take time to adapt to these changes. 

In this light: patience.

I feel that in this season of my life, my patience is being tested and being trained - for what reason, I honestly have no idea. But it's also allowed me to see God's faithfulness, by writing down my numerous (and I mean numerous) prayer requests and seeing when they've been answered - it's honestly quite amazing.

C.S Lewis said it quite well - there are things you (1) should do, (2) must do, (3) want to do. And indeed, striking a balance between all 3 has not been the easiest of tasks this year. I say I'm believing for the better, and of course I am - but faith does waver. Not necessarily faith in God, but faith in Him answering. 

But God is not a Christian, and the only thing that will get me through this is to remember how loved I am by the creator of the Universe - how delicately and intrinsically He loves me, how He is interested in my life, every little bit - and while man pulls strings, He pulls cables. 

305

blessed going in, blessed going out. 

Started today with a Rock Kidz orientation session - they mentioned the word "blessing" so many times if I got a dollar every time they mentioned it, ... you know the rest of the story. The children were extremely cute, and extremely many - a little overwhelming but I'd get used to it. 

Then learnt that the student who goes for violin lesson immediately before me goes to new creation as well ~ that was interesting. I had a feeling she did when she asked me which church I went to, but it was nice to find the thousandth person I know who goes there. (yes, that's an exaggeration, but when you're home to 26 000, it's a whole new story). 

And then I went for 4th service, where we get the recorded message - but my pastor appeared live at the end to give the benediction and he did extra time of ministering! Which was really cool because I haven't seen him live in ages. 

I had a 2 week vacation in Japan, a university offer, an amazing family, the best friends, I'll be travelling even more, and just really living life. 

--

Also, realised this few days ago - I am a child of God. I am His beloved - and that is the most powerful statement ever said. I mean, in that statement, I've been given the authority that Jesus had. The only thing that can change the world is the gospel. You go a long way and realise only Jesus can save. And He's given Kingdom authority. He's given us, believers, the same power that raised Him from the grave. Yep. That's amazing.

Also, today's sermon was fantaaaaasstic. It was something I really had on my heart for a while. Lovin' my senior pastor (and the other pastors!) 

304

things are different now:-

I have a university offer from the University of Bath, which is my second choice. But a good second. 

Also, I think I'm going to start bringing a card or a gift when I go travelling, and my polaroid, because frankly, you never know who you're going to meet. I'd like to get a moleskine to journal all this down, but I've got a gazillion notebooks lying around, just no discipline to record anything down as I travel, by word or photograph. I'm too immersed in the experience of it all, I'd say - but it's not necessarily a bad thing. To detach myself for a moment or two may honestly be asking for too much.

I had a mighty fine time in Japan, and think I left a little bit of my heart there. Whether with the people I met or in the snow I so mightily fell on so many times, Hokkaido was different this time round. 

In my house I'd like to have a nice big study with many bookshelves, some for fiction, some for non fiction. A desk in the middle with a nice iMac and MacBook, and a space to write with some good ol' pen and paper. I'd like to have a wall or two free for my own photos and posters of vintage maps and a map documenting everywhere I've been, and a window that lets the all natural sunlight in. I like white, so I think most of my furniture will be white.

But the most amazing thing I realised this trip - as much as I sometimes want something else, real life is so much better. - to experience it, live it, and love it. 

303

change - 

a junior of mind shared this song with us at cell on tuesday, it's worth a listen - actually, far more than a listen.

it has hit me that people move on, friends are enlisting, sjii and cg folk alike, moving away for university, living away. friendships are so amazing, and so precious. the fact that two people (or a group, for that matter), can connect and share something on varying scales of beauty (despite our souls being non-transferrable) is just amazing. 

to all my friends enlisting - "do not be afraid, dear one, you are safe, be strong and courageous" - daniel 10:19 (nrsv) 

in other news, i'll be in japan for two weeks, which i am extremely grateful for. otherwise, i am still waiting on offers, but even in the midst of this waiting, Jesus is good, faithful, and i know because i am favoured, i can be expectant of the offers yet to come. :) 

302

I guess it's the way we choose to live.

essentials: got paid, stopped work (my current job), need offers, need to draft a resume, need to decide whether to apply to smu. 

I had an amazing day today - met two friends at starbucks in the morning, went to school to see all my favourite teachers except my favourite-est, went for cell, joined a tok class - which I really miss, joined a few more friends for a semi lunch, went to a park with two of the previous friends to chill, crashed another friend's place for a couple of hours until it was 2300 and we all had to go home. 

I stopped working yesterday and today felt like the perfect way to let it all go. I miss everybody, and it isn't like me to do so, but I've gotten much closer to a lot of sji folk, and feel (and will feel) extremely indebted to my sjii teachers (for the rest of my life, probably). Everyone's just waiting for someone to value and love them, they really are. 

301

lost

(getting a gazillion emails but none of interest, please ucas, please universities!) 

I know many people, I'm friends with much fewer. Most of the people I know are lost, myself included. Some are completely lost, some are a little lost, and some are barely lost - for the moment. It's not easy being lost - losing your bearing, your compass, the certainty of the land you are standing on. Your thoughts confuse you and your mind starts to wander. It's a scary time, because the uncertainty rattles you, and for a snap period in time, you don't actually know what you're believing in, living for. 

But I think being lost is okay. It's even healthy, I'd say. Once in a while, you need things to challenge the way you're living, the memories you're keeping, and the stands you're making. More often that not, I find myself going back to the initial stands I made, memories I kept, and sometimes, the way I live. But it gets enhanced - I learn more, live more, grow more. I realise what should be kept and what shouldn't, why certain stands should be justified, and how two seemingly contradictory things can be held in tension.

Getting lost is healthy - because we all too often get stuck in a rut. We put our autopilot modes on. Because to live with it off is far too tiring, given the number of activities I pile on in a day. But take it off, live intentionally. Get confused, get lost. Start to question things - stay curious.

Trust me, I think life will turn out better that way. 

300

three hundred - sometimes I just like the way the word "hundred", and "three" for that matter, not "tree", rolls off your tongue. 

You get to this point where you realise that you, ultimately, are you - you are your own person. With the exception of God, and again, this depends on how close you are with Him, it really is you. You, your soul, your mind, your thoughts, your heart. It's you. 

The fact we have a soul amazes me. The fact we're more than beating hearts, breathing lungs, blinking eyes - the fact that we feel, we react - it's more than the 5 senses. That things move us. I mean come on, there's gotta be someone who gave us life. It'd be a huge step for me to consider that the entire universe came to being by accident, but if I had to, I could perhaps, for a moment, think about it. But an accident giving us life? Giving us separate, unique, individual identities? No accident could have ever created that. 

So you are you - you are you and as much as life is meant for sharing, meant for letting people in and people letting you in, your soul is not transferrable. Or not fully transferrable. You experience it. Just you. Then you translate it. Some people understand your language a little better than others, some not so well. In the end, it is you. 

I hate that I've gotten to a point where you've started to annoy me. I was trying to fight it, but I can't. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, maybe I get genuinely annoyed. But always, I'll be wishing you nothing but the very best in life. 

I came back from work extremely tired and more emotionless than not - it surprises me that my mind is still operating, and feeling far from happy, I could still feel joyful and content. I'm starting to learn how joy is a virtue, happiness is an emotion, and faith overrides feeling, two hundred and twenty four percent of the time. 

So hello you - I don't know if we've met, or if we will meet. But I'd like to get to know you - anyone, everyone. I want to know what makes you angry. What really, really angers you. What stirs up these emotions of irrational fury in you. I want to know what makes you happy. Not happy happy, but ecstatic. You know, for that one moment where you feel nothing can get you down? Where you're invincible. I want to know what gets you thinking, what gets you passionate, what gets you moving. What it is that hits you and you suddenly feel you. have. to. do. something. You can no longer lie indifferent, the apathy is gone. I want to know what you're living for, who you're living for - who you love, what you love, and what you would like to have done before your time on this amazing, amazingly beautiful planet is up. I want to know you, fellow human, in all your imperfections, flaws, strengths and rawness. 

Because honestly? That's where the deepest beauty is found. 

I want to know what makes you a miracle. 

Because you are. 

299

"So I guess in the end, I wasn't willing to give the relationship a try, I was willing to consider giving the relationship a try". 

Even when I get terribly disappointed with the new form of communication, it's amazing how humans can connect over the most distant whatsapp. - had a good conversation with a friend today on an issue she understands where I'm coming from, which really isn't the easiest of things to find these days. 

Also - had the first cluster cg of my life today, and it was ah.maz.ing. Saw the new J1s and although they were really quiet during the first small group session, you notice the little things, such as how genuine they are and how genuine their hearts are - and yes everyone is imperfect and you find these rough edges, but all the more that proves they are real. Then you see them during worship and realise that their hearts genuinely go out to God and as quiet or as noisy as they may be they want one thing, Jesus. I see the J3s, J2s and new J1s and we're so different but all after one thing, Jesus. To really desire that and to go so counter intuitively against what the world says, man these people are brilliant and it is my privilege I get to spend so much time with them. 

So hello 2013, you are going to be one heck of a great year. 

(just as you can't spend too much time with someone who is perpetually sad, i am finding it very difficult to spend time with someone who is perpetually happy. it just feels as if something is missing). 

298

I thought I drank decaffeinated coffee, but it feels pretty caffeinated. 

1. I have the best family in the world. Wouldn't trade it for anyone or anything. 

2. I have the best friends in the world. To go from school to school and keep who's important to me, I honestly couldn't have asked for more.

3. I had the best pre U education in the world. Oxford or no oxford, I wouldn't have changed a thing. 

--

This is what I see: souls are tired, people are jaded. There's so much more to live for, so much more to do that will really make you happy, but we can't. We're too busy trying to survive we forget to live. We're too hard on everyone else because we're simply having a bad day. Nobody is at fault really, it takes a lot to make it here. But it's beautiful. This earth we live on, this planet we've been given - it really is amazing. Heaven will be even better, but until I get there - #herewego. Love a little, you'll be loved much more in return. Honestly, probably 5 of you will read this tomorrow - but treat yourself to something nice, and have a good day. :)

297

6 years ago, when I was 12 or 13, I told a friend 9 years older than I am that I wanted to do politics. To that she told me the landscape was too boring and that there were no prospects. Maybe in a few years, she said, but again she was uncertain.

Look at us now. 2 years, 4 elections, and only a 60% overall vote share for the incumbent.

I s'ppose the key of david worked since years ago. I've a bit more to say on the by-e (II), but that will wait because I am at work and it's pretty ideological.

So, as I was saying - a four cornered fight. (Is anyone up for the Hustings? I'd really like to attend a RP and WP one!) 

Ideologically, a 4 cornered fight makes sense. Given that the value of a democracy is intrinsic within a democracy because of the choice it brings, and not in its consequence (I dare say a democracy is one of the least efficient political systems), the more the merrier - or so we would think. On K Jeyaratnam's logical, you can't fault him there. He has the right to contest, and even the two independent jokers. It's about choice and presenting that.

Of course, thinking purposefully, intentionally or consequentially, a 4 cornered fight makes no sense. There's no constructive input of anything - I get you, Mr. K, but building up a political party takes time - don't meddle in the affairs of others, not just yet. And this opposition unity thing really isn't such a bad idea. After all, it's the same Singapore we're fighting for yes? 

296

FML. Everyone I met +1 didn't make it to the college, and one got reallocated to another. For some reason I find this quite funny. Rejection letters galore. HAHAHAHA. 

But I had an amazing 3+ days there and wouldn't trade it for anything.

Also, had the best 2 nights out the past two days with the most amazing people ever. Amazingly blessed, again, and really looking forward to what's in store for me. :) 

295

as it goes:

1. Got rejected from Oxford, still waiting on offers, deliberating whether to apply to NUS law for the heck of it. 

2. Had an amazing dinner with the CG J3 girls last night, got high on chocolate, soup, and Proverbs. 

3. Half of SJII is going to be in London this September, especially the girls, and to add on, some of my favourite SC friends so that's going to be amazing. 

4. Dinner tonight with some of my favourite boys who will be enlisting very shortly, and one who has. Exciting times.

As always, the year of the key of david. 

294

Got to say, my preferred news source is probably Yahoo! Singapore, just because it's bitesized, not as biased, contains a good mix of local & international news, and yes, is not as biased.

thoughts while reading the news:
1. oh my gosh COE 92k what is wrong with this country how can anyone afford a car that is five times the price of a good car in other nations.
2. oh my gosh how can they plead not guilty I mean isn't that digusting oh my goodness - but yes okay fine they do deserve a fair trial. (tkam taught me that). 
3. oh my gosh a five way fight, no opposition is ever going to win a five way fight at punggol east, sda and reform should really stay out of this.
4. sigh better communication is really needed between opposition parties but thanks yahoo for reporting well, saying WP won decisively over PAP at Hougang.
5. "busy national agenda" aye, let's lower the population because 5.2 million really isn't sustainable, neither is 6. I get that MM Lee said that but like, you know - we live in very different times now, update yourself and really consider it damnit.
7. I want to watch my korean drama even though it has become so korean drama-y.
8. Oh, tswift has split, again? Shoulda known better you. 
9. Damnit, this is disgusting - rape could have been averted if she begged for mercy from her attackers or chanted the name of God? Wow. I can't blelieve we would ever advocate that rape is the victim's fault. It's sad society has gone down to "don't get raped", it really is. Since when was it okay to rape - and I'll tell you one thing, I wouldn't want to believe in the god this dude believes in. I really won't.
10. does the law unfairly protect the minors? I mean surely you have to make an exception to the rule with this 17 year old, the law can't be that flawed.

Yep. Me. Most mornings.

293

three (3)

(1):

So this is what it feels like to do well. I went through 3 major exams in this ghastly education system, and 2 left me wrecked. I'm still riding on a high, - not the arrogant type, I hope, and it honestly feels good to, in this order: be motivated, work hard at something, and do well at it. His word says I am the head and not the tail, and indeed His word is true. 

On another note, I s'ppose it's not really fair to God to say "God is good" only when you do well. I know He's always good, always always - and I guess sometimes I just use it as a filler because I've got nothing else to say. I genuinely mean it when I thank God for my grades because as I said, I can't, but He sure can, but it's almost too misrepresentative of who my God is - because my God's goodness is independent of the grades I get, the school I go to and the career I end up having. It's intrinsic, not consequential, and the fact I do well is because of His intrinsic goodness. He isn't good when I do well, it is because He is good I do well. 

(2):

I've always believed love is a choice - and attraction, or 'like', is not as much a choice. So I'm not going to use falling in love, I'm going to use falling for. It's a funny thing falling for someone at the age of 18. It's very different than falling for someone at age 14, but then again, that's not fair - it's a different person, me and him(s). For one, I'm a little more knowledgable of my own heart and my own mind - it becomes a little bit more than just that thrill, and a little less of the taking, but more of the giving and the working at it and the growing in love bit. 

Also - but this hasn't changed, I know a little bit more about how Christ is truly the cornerstone and should be the centre of any relationship. 

(3):

I can't remember the third point. I had it in my head as I was walking back from the driving school to the MRT. It was good going back to school today, to see we made the teachers so proud - half of our chemistry class getting 7s and 1/4th of my economics class (considering there was only 10/75 students with 7s - so 4 from us), and 4 in my english class. 

God is good. This is unmerited favour - and this is the year of the key of david. Blessed beyond belief. 

292

The IB, part II:

I remember coming fresh from the heartbreak of the O's telling a friend for once in my life I want to work hard and something and do well in it. And I did.

It's more than vindication, it's truly, honestly, all glory to Jesus who gave me the drive to get through it all, and who's blessed me with no condemnation. He told me he was setting me up for greater success after the not so smooth prelims, and He told me today that I'll be pleased with my results, and I am.

It's a good score, and today is a good day. - now all that awaits is Oxford getting back to me.

the year of the key of david. 

291

The IB:

I write this now because only God knows how I'll be feeling tomorrow. Being a queen of the dramatics (though only when it comes to things like this), I'll probably span the far end of the spectrum on either side, preferably the good one. 

SJI have been phenomenal years in my life and I've been blessed with the most amazing teachers ever. I do not exaggerate. I know where I stand (methinks), and I know where people think I stand. I know what I want to get, but I genuinely don't know how I'll fare tomorrow. (the thing about tomorrow is this - it marks the end of my IB years, my 2012 - I'll move on, and that's scary).

Whatever it is, I know my 2 years in SJI, and my 3 weeks of exams were showered with His grace, and it is Him who said He is able to answer exceedingly and abundantly above all we can ask or imagine. I guess all that is left is to trust.

Easier said than done, but I thank God always that I'm allowed to be human, I'm allowed to be real and there is no condemnation. 

So cheers to that, 

and regardless of the number on your paper - may your path be blessed always.

290

13 minutes before my party:

I've spent 2 days in the CBD and at 12 sharp, the whole town comes out for lunch. It's amazing, really, to see a congregation of office workers who've, imlho, sold their soul to, whatever it is. Granted, that's a little mean, but I couldn't imagine doing this for the next 20 years of my life. Clocking in at 8, lunching at 12 and knocking off at 6. For 20 years. 

What for? 

Internships are fun though. Knowing I'll only be there for a month or two gives me great relief. I love the people I'm meeting, but I think I'd have formed a very different opinion if I were doing that as my job. 

Also - spent the better part of this night with my SJI friends. After spending 2 good years in their fantastic company, I really miss them. That and all the conversations I should be having, and sharing notes on similar stories (:

life is good. 

289

Happy 2013!

- whatever it is, you made it past the past year, so here's to you, champion! 

things I learnt in 2012:

• I need my alone time. I love people, old and new, and I love listening to their stories and sharing mine with them. But some times, I need to be completely alone. (read: solitary)
• I am an extroverted introvert.

Actually, I learnt a lot more than that - but that's all I've got on my mind. 

So, it's the 1st of Jan. I've created Instagram, but haven't followed anybody and I don't really know how to use it, and I've bought 100 days of favour. It's pretty daaaaamn good. 

I'm really excited to see what this year holds. - Just as He is, so am I in this world.