196

I have learnt that taking it slowly but steadily is a truly a way to keep saner; more productive, and happier. These three attributes don't link in anyway whatsoever, but it's truth. (Then again, after thinking about ToK - what is truth?) 

--

By the grace of God, I'm starting to really warm up to my cell in school. I think it's really encouraging to gather for free worship weekly and just spend time with each other, but seeing them try their best at guessing a tune to a song they didn't even know, singing a capella when I fumbled with the guitar was so encouraging, because it truly reminded me that worship is not about the lyrics you have or the tune you right on the instruments you accompany the song with, the texture and layering. Worship is about God - praise to Him, focus on Him, and Him alone. Everything else is just decoration. It's good, don't get me wrong - spirit of excellence! But everything else is just decoration. 

Jesus be the centre. 

Even when I can't trust what I feel; Jesus be the centre. 

195

Today: 

Was on Skype with A till 130

Woke up at 730 for church; T and I could barely stay awake/focused. 

Walked around, went for lunch and waited for 20 minutes outside a bubble tea shop that refused to open.

Went for Violin with my superstar teacher

Came home and chilled with two episodes of Borgen 

Went for dinner with grammies

Had a 1.5 hour phone call with my ex cgl to discuss my crisis situation.

So despite all my schedule might suggest, today has been an extremely trying day. Constantly fending off lies the enemy has been tormenting my soul with, and having to rely on pure faith - when you completely cannot trust what you feel AT ALL. You've just gotta trust the Bible and believe that it's true and hope your faith will carry you somewhere. 

It's really scary. 

But my God has promised He is faithful to finish. 

194

The reason I've been blogging so regularly recently is because I've been trying to write more. 

I've actually been writing a lot in school; I guess that's a trademark of the IB. I've written 2 timed commentaries and 1 timed essay in the past 3 days, and I'll be working on another economic essay, a ToK essay and my extended essay this weekend, in addition to my Chemistry reports which I am terribly lazy to ever put in sufficient effort for. 

I've been on a Jane Austen high, and I think the BBC (and ITV) produce some of the most captivating and intelligent miniseries ever. I could live on them. 

It's two days to February and I'm finally, slowly but surely, getting my discipline and motivation back. (Hopefully). 

193

Today, I am grateful. 

I could count the numerous things that happened today which made me upset, dissatisfied, discontent. But I'd rather not. As I walked the streets that lead me back home, I found myself slipped into reverie. A reverie which reminded me of how much I have. The friends I've been blessed with, and the family who would stop at nothing to make life a little brighter. 

I have to say - I'm a terribly stubborn daughter. I always believe, in arrogance, my ability and self-worth is enough to carry me through. I depend on myself first; it is only when I fail I turn to Him. It's crazy to think an all powerful, almighty God would bother with me, time and again, despite my often mistakes, and failure to rely on Him. But He doesn't just bother with me, He is jealous for me. 

His love surely has to be the most captivating thing I've ever known. 

If I have learnt nothing:

1. Money is not water - use it sparingly. (Better yet, stop spending money on water). 

2. I have come to appreciate, and stop coveting, the work of great writers, amateur or professional. 

3. A good essay is first written with great grammar, then good spelling, and finally, clever use of a decent vocabulary. 

4. I need to work on my spelling. And grammar. 

Cheers! 

192

I've had Birdy's cover of Skinny Love on repeat for the past half hour; and I wrote a piece of fiction in the afternoon. My inspiration disappeared before I could finish it, so I now find myself completely fazed on how it should be continued.

I was off school for 4 days, 2 without the weekend. In that time, I caught up with my extended family, watched My Week with Marilyn, which was an amazing (and beautifully tragic) film, and caught Wicked at Marina Bay Sands with it's impressively stellar Australian cast. I honestly thought the main lead was brilliant, and the chemistry between the two main leads was infallible. 

I now have 2 paragraphs of an English commentary to complete, a "semi-open book" economics test to study for, and a Geography IA to (finally) complete. Coffee is my best friend.

A glass of water, sufficient lighting, and a determined spirit. That's all you need to get through your academic year. 

Meanwhile, I need to remind myself - "your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me".  

Stay inspired,

x. 

191

I've been meaning to blog.

After the amazing week I had, I fell quite ill; so I spent most of my time in bed. Midweek, I managed to pull myself to school. I haven't felt such aversion to attending classes and getting out of bed at 620 in the morning for a long while. I wasted the weekend on Warehouse 13, and then started finding British shows to watch. After which, I fell in love with the British/French culture, as I do every two weeks, and wished I could migrate out of here. [I still do, and I will.]

Today; I decided I wanted to join habitat for humanity, and I have a giant cup of ice cream bubble tea sitting next to me, shouting at me to start (and finish) my World Lit essay. 

Damn. 

So, now that you know what's been going on in my rather miserable life for the past two weeks; let me tell you how I really feel: 

There's been a general feeling of dissatisfaction haunting me this past week. The idea of living with "so much more" has been shouting at me from every possible direction; do you know how it feels to be living a life mediocre? Expectations have been weighing down, and I feel like my lungs are about to give at any given moment (now). I can barely sustain what's going on each day, and my body is itching to crawl out of my skin, or at least run away from this city that stifles. 

We're horrible, you know. I study war poetry twice a week, and learn about the plight of those not fortunate enough to be living in such a pristine first world country every other day. I learn about how to make the world a better place, and I'm receiving one of the most expensive educations a kid at my age could. Yet apart from complaining, I really don't see myself doing anything else. 

If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy, I could have won.

190

This week has been nothing short of amazing. 

School started out on an awkward note, no thanks to my awkward hair and awkward confidence. (I still can't wait till it grows out). 

Meeting everyone again was refreshing, but I could feel the same sentiments of how school was, which can sometimes get a little draining. Everyone was pretty tired from rushing holiday homework (still am), and you can already feel the IB2 angst. Classes were all "let's get back on track + turn the heat up!", and I'm still longing for a breather. 

But, Welcome Week (although slow at first), turned out amazing. It's honestly the best orientation I've ever facilitated, and I've done 6 of them now. Other than that, I saw my two cg leaders get married today, and it was the most spontaneous and sweetest wedding I've seen. (Possibly because of how close I am to them.) I love attending weddings, I'm a hopeless romantic, but a true believer in love, and the power of it. 

LF + Y, today is your day, and you both looked pretty damn amazing. 

Bloom - The Paper Kites

(this song has reinspired me; reminded me how much good music can inspire your soul, and has sent me on a nother folky + good music hunt). 

Cheers guys, live passionately. 

189

Redundant time.

I'm listening to music I can't actually stand because I'm too lazy to change the music. I'm thinking of all the tasks I need to complete in the near future, and I just want to go to sleep each night, pretending I've got nothing to do. I've already set aside Thursdays to troop to the national library to work on my wretched EE. By God's grace, tomorrow's first period got cancelled, which means I don't have to study for my test or complete my IA. That also means my IA gets kicked back a notch, the back flow is accumulating. 

I'm not prepared to work as hard as I have to. But. 

While I cannot, He can. 

Let's take a walk on the wild side. 

188

I'm so grateful I started out the new year by going to church. Despite the infinite and eternal queue, the strategies we took to grab a seat, the pastor's sermon was so worth it.

2012: Jeremiah 17:7-8.

--

I get it. This year's going to be one mad rush. My last first day of school, (Uni's quite a different ball game), uni apps [this phrase gives me chills], internship seeking, the pressure to do well, the necessity to do well. This year, summed into one: welcome to the rat race. 

But no. 

In 2012, I aim to live life with more passion, and with arms wide open. Welcome to my 2012, a year of His grace seeing me through; favour, abundance and blessings. 

Let's take a walk on the wild side. 

187

so here we are:

hello 2012, a new year.

new potential, new inspiration, new living.

here. we. go.