220

School's out.

I have one goal this break - rest. 

(also, for the interest of whomever's interested - basket load of assignments which I didn't bother recording, so I'll just do whatever comes to mind, hunger games (book), birdsong, emma, planning the next term, university stuff) 

This is almost too much.

But my God works all things for my good. Oh yes, this too. Rest, rest in His love. Rest in Him, rest at His feet. 

Something's gotta change, something's gotta give. 

219

(I could have fallen in love with you)

Something has been hitting me the past few days, and hitting me hard.

"I like your Christ, I do not like you Christians. You Christians are so unlike your Christ."

The Bible said they will know we are Christians by our love. By our love, not by our arrogance, not by our "being correct", not by our holier than thou, not by our shoving my theology down your throat. (Yes, believers do that within our circles as well.)

What happened to that love and grace?

Here - I encourage you to read the whole thing. But if you really are too lazy
http://makeitmad.com/2011/10/18/dear-christianity-an-apology/,

This is an apology to every Christian bold enough to say he’s a Christian and mean it. I helped tarnish your reputation in Christ. 

I helped make the world doubt you. 

I gave the world reason to hate you. 

Nothing hurts the church quite as much as a critical spirit. I am sorry for the way myself and other Christians have come against each other. 

I am sorry for the ways I have spoken ill of other churches I have never attended. 

I am sorry that Hollywood makes you seem so desperate and full of prideful, well-dressed losers. 

I am sorry that the gay community fears you, and wants nothing to do with you. It’s not your fault. It’s ours. We took that and really screwed it up, didn’t we?

Yes.
Be blessed.

218

1. 167 bus driver honked lightly while I was tumblring on my phone at the bus stop to tell me the bus was here - he recognises me now, and if he didn't I'd have missed it and have to wait forever.
2. My two favourite juniors got elected into council!! God's abundant favour be upon them. (: I actually quite like the G11 council.
3. Staying back till 5pm to do our chemistry practicals but dancing around to the strangest music. 
4. Having a really good talk with a friend during my free period in school.
5. Chinese test being postponed to Wednesday
6. Realising I've actually done really, really well in the recent assessments (and way more than I could imagine I deserve).

God is good, I am so blessed.

217

- Surrender, surrender: That's gotta be the most difficult word in the entire English dictionary. I'm here, I've been given the ability to make choices for myself, to choose a path. To choose to die to self and pick up my Cross. To choose to surrender, and not live for myself. Now that's difficult. It's easy when 43,000 other people say they will too, it's easy when that's all the people around you do - because it's norm. But surrender, surrender. 

"We raise our white flag, the war is over, love has come, love has won." 

216

todolist//easter holiday

#1. read the hunger games
#2. watch hugo
#3. rewatch downton (marathon!!)

#4 onwards. some other stuff regarding work I guess.

215

Today I stop(ped).

I woke up feeling strangely thankful, well, relieved (because there wasn't a spirit of gratitude in me, actually, I barely feel anything anymore) that I was part of a happy family. Then, my friend said she wasn't going for first service, so I decided to go for second - and get a place in the rock. I wanted breakfast before so I was running a little late, decided to cab to try and get a ticket. I didn't. They had given them all out, so I wasn't all that pleased. (again, I didn't feel frustrated, because I really haven't felt anything in a long time). I think I'm going through a period of nihilism. Then, as I turned away to find another location, this lady approached me to give me her ticket, cuz she was going somewhere else. Wow.

I've decided.

I'm don't like living life like this. I'm tired of living life like this. Going through it without any feeling at all. God's given me life, I want to live it with arms wide open. I'm tired of my shaky faith, thus shaky identity. I'm tired of having to subject myself to apathy each day, of having to fight millions of battles in my mind, of having to live up to everybody's expectation.

I've got so damn much to be thankful about, God is showing me how real He is. Yet I just sit here indifferent, if I can even feel indifferent. I'm just numb to everything. Completely numbed.

This. Must. Stop.

214

@#$%.

Struggling, struggling, struggling.

@#$%. @#$%. @#$% (!!!)

That is all I can process.

Tonight was a good night of intimate time spent with good friends (not particularly with me, but I did observe), good food, and continuous struggle. It is so easy to stray and be influenced by the ten thousand voices when you let go and become complacent. Thank God I have a God who never changes (even when my faith falters), and who tells me He is more real than the feel that I'm having, that I'm not what I feel but I am who He says I am. He. Is. Not. Going. Away. 

This - I should really learn to think Hebrew style, not Greek style. 

213

You know, life isn't easy. 

No, I mean - it. really. isn't. easy.

Day after day we're filled with what the system expects of us - we go to school and we learn, we interact, we come home, we do what's expected of us, by our parents, our teachers, our friends. It's not an easy place to live in. Each day is filled with the same routine, and even though the world has agreed education gives us the best future (and boy, I'm not arguing with that), it still gets tiring. 

Then there's the battle between yourself, and amongst yourselves. Everyone's trying to shine - to be bright, to be the best, to be recognised, to be accepted. (Maybe, at the end of the day we're just yearning for love). We fight against each other for the spotlight, we fight against ourselves because we don't want to believe we are that ugly. We fight for our ambition, vanity, ego. We fight against our ambition, vanity, ego. 

After that, there's still that battle of self vs. society - as if the previous one wasn't enough. Some of us, we're all consumed with dreams, passions - you know, the ideas we love that society tells us to give up on. The dreams we could imagine chasing our whole lives, and still not giving up, not being unhappy because we - we fought for what we believed in, we still fight for what we believe in. 

But at the end of the day (man, I really, really hate that phrase) - if we just put our ego aside for one tiny bit. If we stopped trying to climb that ladder (social, corporate, whatever you call it) for one small moment. If we didn't care about pretenses and how we had to hide our imperfections. If we put it all aside, and for one small, small moment - supported each other, encouraged each other, fought for each other. If we let the small things pass - if we didn't comment on how her shoes didn't match her stunning dress, how he spelt one word wrongly in his otherwise perfectly written essay. 

I'm so sure; so infinitely sure - this world would be a much grander place. 

(ps: this world? it is already beautiful. you just can't see it yet.) 

212

I am so frustrated. So, so frustrated, I can't even begin to comprehend my emotions.

211

Life is beautiful. 

If you think about it - I don't deserve anything at all. 

The past few days have been filled with a sense of sadness. Melancholic nostalgia, but predominantly sadness. Recent occurrences have left me in a state of such emptiness and lack of coherency to process what I feel. It's on a very intangible level because I was not directly affected by it, but the idea of what happen strikes such a strong chord within me. 

It's difficult. So difficult. 

God conquers all. 

210

When your husband turns away from the entire audience of the once Kodak Theatre to face you on stage and tells you you're the soul and inspiration of the film that just won best picture at the Oscars, and you win Best Leading Actress at the Cesars, on home ground (whether you deserved it or not). 

Wow. Berenice Bejo, you are one lucky lady. 

"I love you but it's not just that - you've inspired the movie, you're the soul of the movie and the positive feeling of the movie. Thank you for being in the move and in my life." 

- Michel Hazanavicius, to Bernice Bejo

on winning Best Picture at the 84th Academy Awards

Oh my, I swear, the two of them - actually the three, add Jean Dujardin, and Thomas Langmann if you're feeling generous. I love how The Artist was shot in 35 days and literally consists of 3 people. I've never seen a director so involved with a show before - appearing in photo shoots and having his own features.

This couple, inspiring.