149

I've actually been having a really good week, praise Jesus.

Economics test is over, Geography essay has been written, Chemistry IA is almosttttt done, and after that it's party preparation + room clean up all the way. Extremely, and unusually nervous about getting back my Economics test tomorrow - haven't felt so insecure about a test in a longgg time.

In other news, I've got to get my EE settled, my social life isn't too dead for an IB student (thank God), life is goooood, and I need a break. Hahaha.

Ellie Goulding is super, One Direction is a super boyband, and X Factor is back!

148

I never knew doing Economics with the boys could be so entertaining. But now it seems I'm in the only class who hasn't done their test yet, and so the only class still worried over their test. Oh well. Also, today I found out the sole reason why I take higher level chemistry - entropy, or the amount of chaos in the universe.

Today has been a really good day, and the best part is - it wasn't something in particular, it was just a really good day because of the turn of events - jokes all around, it was pretty light hearted and not too stressful. Of course, my test is tomorrow so I'll probably go a little bit insane. Haha. Can't really blame me can you.

So here's to a good week ahead - I hope everyone has one.

you put your arms around me and i'm home.

147

I had a good night - tired out now, but we'll see how I feel in the morning.

I feel so behind in my work, not to mention I have an economics test coming up that I can't afford to bomb. Chemistry, mathematics, geography - no shit. Whatever it is, I'll make it, by His grace, I'll make it. I perceive a long day of doing work tomorrow, whether it be doing work outside or sitting at my desk rushing as many assignments as I possibly can.

I'm scared, hell, I'm really scared. I don't know if I have it in me to make it to the end of this year, let alone next year. I hate how high the expectations, and more than that, my targets are. The only thing this does is make it easier and easier for me to fall. I thank God for great friends who really hear me out and make me feel better - let me know we're all in it together, but at the end of the day that feeling of fear still lives inside me. I hate the feeling of chasing deadlines, chasing grades, pitting myself against a friend just for the sake of it.

I dream, dream of being far away; far away from everything. From books, people, grades, school, examinations, knowledge, information, technology, everything. Sometimes it's not the fault of anyone but mine, but that doesn't change the fact I feel so restless, and tire of everything around me. It's more difficult than it seems. But I'll make it. We'll all make it.

We have to.

146

I got 12 hours of sleep last night. I slept at 930. I feel amazing right now.

I was telling my friend yesterday that if I didn't decide on my Economics EE so early I'd be really tempted to write an English one on Pride & Prejudice, even now, I still am. But I know better than to give up my Economics EE and chase the P&P one. I also told her I really love Literature. When I have nothing to do, I turn to music, and literature.

Music and literature.

This has, in retrospect, been a good week. 2 more weeks to half term, I really hope tioman is as pretty as everyone says it is.

I miss the toybox girls, like crazy.

145

happy day:

i. started on macroeconomics

ii. reading the great gatsby, even though i should really be focusing on perfume

iii. ignoring the 3 assignments i really should be working on

iv. watching then next c-drama w/ my mum.

good day today, good days ahead.

144

Exhausted.

(It's not just exhausted, it's fatigued, on the brink of falling into a deep sleep and not waking up for the next 72 hours. This really reminds me of how I felt during the O's, just worse - spending literally every waking moment in continuous semi-consciousness because of how tired your mind is, and how weary your soul is)

--

Today, IB has got me doing Calculus (my favourite math topic), to Hey Soul Sister - Train. At least something gets me upbeat. Also, I got a good nap. So this day has been made. Jesus is amazing. :)

143

So IB has successfully kept me up to 3am working on a PRACTICE IA. Imagine if it was the real one. 3 hours of sleep has left me in the midst of insanity.

I don't know.

I don't understand.

There are many things I don't understand, things I shan't say here, but as the days pass and I find myself in quiet observation of the micro-world around me, and I honestly don't understand why some things are they way they are, why some people are the way they are, why we have to fight so hard just to make it, just to survive, why life must be so harsh and difficult, as beautiful as it is. Sometimes I really don't understand why certain traits are just so evident in particular cultures, but then again, who am I to judge?

This is going to get interesting.

(We're going to make it).

142

Seventeen.

I have the most amazing friends - I am so blessed and so loved. (Toybox - you guys are amazing x200, and I can't wait to meet up w/ y'all!)

As I told my friend - I'm not a kiddo anymore! But yes, this is an exciting year and I'm sure God has so much planned for me and praise be to Jesus for blessing me with a good seventeen years, and hopefully seventy (or around there) years more to go.

Please bless me through IB? :)

141

I am tired, really tired, exhausted. But relieved.

IB's in full swing so as you can see - there's really nothing else in my life right now. :(

140

I'm crawling along, but I'll get there.

The most common phrase I've heard today was "I'm tired". The second most common phrase I heard was "Calm down!" (directed at me). I have gone from lethargic to a pure display of violent tendencies since the former did not work.

Piano exam on Friday, Math + Chem IAs on Monday,

Seventeen on Saturday.

This has got to be the most hectic week I've had in 2011. Thank God for Skype and friends with answers for Math IAs.

God is good, all the time.

139

I'm a little bit more sane now.

School has been, in a word, overwhelming. Perhaps it's the innate stubbornness in me to refuse to sleep early, or the lack of self discipline to stop watching the dramas I got terribly addicted to during the break. Whatever it is, my refusal to relinquish my holidays is getting me no where, especially since I got thrown a math IA, chem IA and I've got a piano exam in two days. I suppose this week will be my toughest, hopefully then I'll get back into the rhythm of things - sleep earlier, and get my focus back.

Pray for the world. All over - stock markets crashing, rioting on streets. Someone's gotta save us, cuz it doesn't look like we can save ourselves. It's rather tragic.

3 days of school, you can do it Hannah - you've got it in you.

I would, you know, I would give it all up. I would give it all up to chase the stars at night, and count them of infinite measure, one by one. I would give it all up to run wild and free in the trees in the midst of the forest, encapsulated by the beauty all around it. To walk along the shore against the crashing waves, to be blown away by the wind. To experience it all, tribal children, village children, I'd give it all up, to become, even just for a while, a part of a different culture, to live and embrace.

But right now, all I ask for is the leisure of reading a book for leisure.

138

Math I.A,

I want to strangle you.

137

You tire me.

136

As promised:

Saturday Afternoon (23/7)

So my paranoia set in, and I'm in my gate before my plane even arrived. It's here now. I think we're boarding soon. It looks, to my pleasant surprise, like a 747.
There are many people here. I'm flying Lufthansa, so plenty "angmohs" here too. But yes, a kid sitting in his stroller managed to topple it and let out a piercing cry, after his mother's gasp of shock.

The pilots are now boarding. I like being early for flights. Of course, as I get more accustomed to travelling, which I do hope to do, being early may be less of an occurrence, maybe not. I also realised the security personnel are much friendlier when you arrive early.

The queue's stretched pretty far back now. There's a steady stream of passengers entering. It's pretty sweet to observe from the inside. I'd choose an hour of idling over an hour of frantic panic anyway. I just took another look at the ever extending queue. Plenty of Caucasians. I'm guessing European, or Australian. But I'd like to believe the former.

Two more years and I'll be out of this land that bleeds me dry too often than I'd like. I love Singapore, honestly. I do. It's a great place to live, and there are so many things I take for granted. But maybe, just maybe, I'd still like a change.

Maybe, just maybe, I'd trade a little bit of this safety for a little risk, and a whole lot of soul and adventure. Maybe, just maybe, I'd trade my cheap food and pay a little bit more, but enjoy the air there so much more. Maybe, I'll trade a little bit of this convenience, and take an hour long commute each day, but be a hell lot happier. No matter what you say about this country and how I should appreciate it, maybe, just maybe, I'll be a lot happier somewhere else. Be content with what you have? Yes. Let that be your reason for not pursuing something better? Hell no.

Yet maybe, I'll realise how much there is in Singapore, and how I can't wait to come back. Maybe, just maybe.

Here's hoping I sit next to someone interesting on the plane.

The Following Saturday (30/7)

So I'm a day away from the end of my trip. We've just said goodbye to another volunteer, Calum. He is an amazing person, and I've really gotten to know him over the course of this week. Such fun guy. It's sad, because tomorrow I go home and the house will be empty of guests.

Anyhow, this week has been, in my 16 years, 11 months and 17 days of life, the best week ever. I've met so many amazing people from all over the world. England, Indonesia, Germany, Columbia, and they have a crazy heart and passion for the people here. They've also really let me experience what it's really like living in Indonesia, and the whole trip has just been so much fun. I can't type out the essence of the trip, but I'd really like to share it with everyone.

God has truly been amazing. He's working so greatly in Indonesia and really has a heart for all to be saved. Each day many a turning to Jesus and it's just a shadow of His glory, how he, amongst other things, really changes lives.

Poverty.

I saw so much of it here, and till now, it's still surreal. I suppose that's because I only visited places. If you asked me to stay there a night, I'd probably freak out. It's crazy to see people living under roads. You can barely kneel in areas they stay, but you can't stand up at all. The ceiling's too low.

Surreal.

(Incomplete)

Sunday Evening (31/7)

It's late. I've got about twenty minutes before I'm to head to my gate.

This week has been amazing. It was a step out of my comfort zone and I wanted to go back after the first day, but now I can't bear to leave. The girls followed me to the airport, which was awfully sweet, especially since they usually say their goodbyes at the house. I cried twice. Goodbyes are so difficult, especially after we said bye to Calum yesterday.

This trip, however, has wet my appetite for travel and adventure. And at a near 17 years, before I even turned legal, I've got to experience this kind of adventure. It's no trek through the amazon, but it's still been a heck of a ride.

I can't wait to go places. Europe, for luxury and because it's so amazing, South America, for fun, adventure, and children, Africa, to appreciate, everything, North America, because you have to, and Asia for culture, and roots. Maybe even Antarctica. Just because I love water and the snow. I left out Australia and it's surrounding islands. Maybe it's because I feel most at home there, there's no need to travel there.

And after this trip, I am so fortunate and blessed to be in Singapore. We have everything at our fingertips. They say if you want to help, start in your own backyard. But I'm telling you, there are countries that need a lot more help than Singapore.

Yet, I still say I'd choose soul, adventure and life over cheap food, convenience and safety. So, this is me saying goodbye to my most amazing trip outside the country, returning to Singapore, which is for now, still home, buckling down for the next 1.5 years, getting my 42 and above, making it to a great university, hopefully one of the best, having the best gap year ever (our 10 month break), and moving to the UK for university.

Then, we'll see what happens.

But God has been so good, and this is just a temporary break from soaking in the world.

IB, I'm ready for you.

Thank You Jesus.

--