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Just in case you were wondering - no, my weeklong absence was not due to the fact my Economics grade was a little bit disappointing. 

Last week was a week of recovery - from challenge week, from the unexpected, and back into my "comfort zone", which in all honesty, isn't very comfortable either. If you're under the same cursed programme as myself, you'd know how much pain the EE can cause, especially when it feels you've hit a severe road block. Also, there's CAS, which is in all honesty, driving me mad. It's not even 10 and I'm crazy tired right now, not to mention I haven't done (and don't plan to start on) any homework due tomorrow. Perils of being a J1 student. 

So for now, it's back to the normal. Which, as much of a good thing it is, is also a bad thing. Cram time, crunch time, CAS time. 

This is how we'll make it. 

Cheers! 

168

Frustrated.

It's funny how just one thing can pull you down, throw away all you've achieved so far, and just make it feel like everything you gained previously is all for nothing. But that almost parallels with a story we're all too familiar with. 

But I guess not doing as well as I wished in Economics is made up by the sweetest of people telling you you'll still find a guy that loves you for who you are. (: (albiet random), and the coolest family letting you rant about how frustrated you are for 3 hours and not telling you to shut up. And always, if nothing - not doing as well will always push you to do better, fight harder. 

Yes, so that single result was so disappointing I dedicated an entire blog post to it, and you know what - I haven't even gotten my exact result back yet. I just know what I didn't get. 

let your light shine. 

167

So I'm back from what has been the most amazing trip in my life so far.

Before we jump to overused cliches, it wasn't amazing in the "omg that's so awesome blow your mind" sense. Not at all. It was so tiring, literally and emotionally. Yet, I guess when it all comes together, you know that this is something you'd never do under any normal circumstances, and despite all the stress you felt emotionally, you still had the most amazing time ever - from the places you go and experience you share with your friends, to really seeing how fortunate and blessed you are, and how you truly have the power to make someone's life so much better, it really hits home. Yes we disagree, yes we fight - but that's human, isn't it. It's so human to have conflict, and you only learn so much more and become that much stronger through it. So, to my amazing group of 7, thank you for a wonderful week in Thailand.

(Although I called this side "greener", it does appear that I have a severely stressful line up ahead. I've got a pretty important interview to prepare for, and apparently, I believe I have my NYAA diary to fill up - which I don't know how to. Wish me luck!)

Cheers guys,
Have a great week ahead (:

(ps: a sneak peek at what i'm working on - deeperwreck@blogger)

166

Hello everyone!

I hope you've all been fine. I just finished my exams on Wednesday, and it has got to be the most tiring thing I've done in a long long time. My brain is completely fried. Tomorrow, however, is Challenge Week! (Which is an independent service trip my school sends us all on). So yes, we're travelling via Bangkok, so please pray it won't flood, and if it does, well, we'll get by. It hasn't been the easiest journey for us, but I'm sure my entire group is going to have a blast, so I'm extremely excited. 

What that also means, is I won't be here until next Sunday, so I'll see y'all happy readers in a week's time. Apart from that, hope your week has been awesome!

If you have iMessage (w/ iOS 5), please let me know your Apple ID! (: 

Cheers! 

165

I haven't been here in a week. Apologies, but it is finals week, and with that, insanity, exhaustion and mental breakdowns.

No, exams have been alright - taxing, but not impossible. I'm more than half down, with 3 more to go, including Geography. (Just eat my soul). Then it's Challenge Week, which will be nothing short of an adventure.

But I'm tired, it's late, so I suppose sleep will be first on my list.

164

It's interesting, because the more indifferent, callous and jaded I become, the more I see myself remembering and believing in all that I used to, and still does make me. 

The belief in the potential of each human, the belief in humanity, the belief that we can always go further, do better, that we're not a lost cause. Not this bunch of teenagers abused by the expectations of society, not this school of humanity. That we can, in twenty years, make the world, or at least our individual communities a better place, and hope, just hope, that this combined effort will be enough to make a difference. 

Fear Apathy, then Reject it. 

There is this creature that lies heavy in the soul-a wicked thing with an insatiable appetite. It entangles itself with the nerves and bathes in the blood. It nibbles at the marrow and gnaws at the vacuoles. It laps at the rate and erodes the embitterment. It sinks its serrated teeth into the anguish until there is no more. Not one thing. Of all the parasites, it is hardest to rid. Apathy, I beg you please run far away from me. I long to feel again.  

- paperbulletsofthebrain@tumblr, on mols@tumblr

Apathy is seeing the climate go out of control, see singapore go through a temperature range of 10 deg within a week, see icecaps and glaciers melting, see animals suffering, see humans go through horrible famines and suffer through the increased natural disasters, and then blame it on factors we can't control - the sun, the earth's orbit, ice ages, when it's pretty clear that human activity has contributed to a hell lot of what the world's become. 

Apathy is having double digit economic growth in China and India, seeing the world develop like never before, seeing more and more people become so rich, so fast, and then ignore the lost, the last, the least, when we've never before had the resources to help them, like we do now. When media has never been so powerful, when the world has never been so aware. 

Gratitude camp.

But I suppose, at the end of the day, the question really is, what am I doing to reject apathy?
(Because it always starts from ourselves) 

163

Stifled. 

Expectations, disappointment, reputation, falls from grace. 

It's been a crazy week - papers upon papers, books upon books, writing like a machine gun, everyone with short fuses. It's been a mad week. I haven't felt this tired in a long time, yet at the same time, I haven't had such focus, ever. I found out that Starbucks @ Leisure Park is in fact an amazing place to study, when I'm stressed + tired I lose a lot of self control, and morph into this creature I get annoyed with (which just becomes a cyclical force), and that it's so much better when we're all in this together. 

I'm also itching for a break - somewhere far away, preferably outside Asia, where I meet so many people I've never met before, who I don't see for any institutional purpose, where we can just be friends + learn something new. I love all my friends (and I'm starting to love my SJI friends more and more each day), but sometimes we all just need a break, even from those closest to us. 

3 more days, let's just hope I don't lose my mind.

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of love and of self-control and a sound mind" 

- 2 Tim 1:7 (NKJV)