209

Things I wish I was doing:

• Rewatching Downton Abbey
• Reading
• Having good conversations with good people.

Things I have to do: 

•  Practice the violin 

Yup. That's about it. I'm writing more often now, I quite like it - film and literature, and there's this quote which I hope will always keep me going - we all need practice, writers, filmakers, we all need practice. To keep practicing and practicing and one day we'll get better. 

I don't know why I posted such a redundant list - I think it's because I really, really want to rewatch Downton. 

208

Oh, how foolish of me.

Right now, it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. But then I remember:

Only one thing is needed.
Only one thing is needed.
Only one thing is needed. 

Amen.

P.S: I really thought, and still think Michelle Williams should have won Best Actress instead of Meryl Streep. Her performance was one of a kind and delivered such a raw edge you'd get from nobody else. - and I know I'm not alone on this one.

207

Just as He is, so am I in this world.

I really hate lamenting about school and whatever occupies my day each time I write here. Even more than that, I hate having nothing other than school to write about, because that just shows what my life has become.

But school is becoming extremely tiring and it takes more and more out of me each day to get through it successfully. I am learning the art of doing things slowly, albeit a bit too late in the game. With my WL, Macbeth and EE due for submission soon, in a couple of weeks, I've been working on it bit by bit each day - and it's turning out pretty well. It builds up stamina as well as depth, as you're continuously thinking and developing upon what you've written. 

Oh my, EE. 

But yes, no matter the challenge - grace response. My God has gone before me, and He paid much too high a price for me to be anything but victorious. 

206

Before I forget:

I was out with a friend of mine today and while we were discussing the need to change our educational model, he said this:

"Literature is very important. The ability to read between the lines is, - is what keeps us human."

Passion 2012. Wow. I really wish I was there.



Yes.

205

I decided to feed my culture starvation:

"It is not our job to like or dislike characters in fiction, or make judgements on their worth, or learn from them how to live. We can do that with real people ... A novel is a pattern, and it is our job to relish and see clearly textures and its tones, to notice how the textures were woven and the tones put into place." 

- Colm Toibin, New Ways to Kill Your Mother

In other news, I think Adele and Ed Sheeren sold the BRIT awards solid, and uhm, yes. It is taking me forever to get through episode 1 of The Wire. 

204

I have been too indulgent in my writing style, particularly punctuation. It makes a world of difference when your English teacher starts to berate it. 

So I suppose I shall find myself starting on the two style (grammar) guides I've obtained, hoping it's a) accurate, and b) of English english. 

Other than that, school has been entirely stressful - I've just finished my second test of the week (Thank God), and am cramming a Chemistry poster, violin practice, and dinner into whatever time I can make of it. 

I don't want to be studying - there is so, so much more out there to see. But I suppose, as I've said to my friend today - Education is the means to everything else ... I suppose. 

Jesus is faithful to finish.

Blessed Lent! 

203

War. 

War's my favourite genre of the arts - literature, film, television, theatre, even music. War is (the portrayal of it, not war itself) my favourite - and I've been wondering why. 

War is deeply tragic - and it is my prayer we would never have to fight another war again; but taking a page out of revelations, I suppose we just have to trust God and his infinite wisdom. (note to self). 

But I've realised why - War; war is the epitome of humanity. In that short span of time, you see every possible side of humanity. You see society put its divisions and bias aside, you see everybody unite for a common cause. You see what humanity could be, and how ironic and plainly tragic it is that only in such a time of desperation you see such beauty. You see the strangest men become the strongest, and you see a true solidarity. 

You see, at the end of the day - we are, for all our differences, human. 

one and the same. 

Sad to think that within the quickest time of war recovery; everything goes back to the way it was, as if we didn't learn a single thing. 

202

My days consist of nothing but making it through school; eternal violin practices and (getting over) Downton Abbey. And right now, I kinda wish I was Joanne Froggatt. Or her best friend. 

--

I've been so consumed by work and IB that for the first time in my life, I'm afraid that (I'd lost my soul to this monster and) I'd have nothing to do once IB ends. I would have forgotten how to do the things I love, and the things I love. Days will become so monotonous I lose any passion I once held for life, living and seeking out gold. 

This, my friends, is crunch time. 

Also, a list of movies I have not watched but really should (not including new releases) - inception, avatar, shawshank redemption, schindler's list, american beauty, million dollar baby, the king's speech, the young victoria, IN OUR NAME, blue valentine, etc. 

And movies you may not have watched but really should - LIKE CRAZY, IN OUR NAME, a beautiful mind.

In love with too much British for my own good. 

201

Now I know why the whole entire world is obsessed with Downton Abbey - you can add me to that list. (I was reluctant to watch it at first). Finished the series in 4 days and I've seemed to have lost my rhythm again. No worries, I'll pick that back up soon. 

-- 

Other than that - Happy Valentine's Day! - Remember your first love. (Rev 2:1-7). Whether you love it for commercial reasons or because it's an extra reason to appreciate the person/people you love - be thankful, stay grateful. It's a brilliant day today. 

It's 12:40 and I'm finally done with work + notes, yes, because I wasted time finishing Downton Abbey. Brilliant piece, but not perfect.

I'll see y'all! 

Cheers. 

200

Next time you earnestly pray to experience Jesus on a deeper and greater level, think again - I do want it but I swear all this spiritual school is so trying. I'm not saying don't, because please do. Just be prepared for Him to answer your prayer in the most unexpected way. 

--

My cell continues to amaze me. Jesus continues to amaze me. This week we discussed a tough one - priorities, Jesus vs. work. But more than that, it was mindblowing to see everyone so honest and raw and vulnerable. Not super vulnerable but vulnerable enough. I didn't really warm up to this cell until a couple of weeks ago (and so I know not everyone feels this enthusiastic about it), but boy I love spending so much time with them. It's amazing to see people so forefront about their struggles, so willing to trust, and so much belief in Jesus. And in a generation where we see a lack of men rising up to take their place as heads; there are at least 3 boys in my cell whom I know will make great men - husbands, fathers and leaders. I haven't been in an environment where we were all this trusting in a long time. (In a world of superficial and half lies, this is such a refresher). 

Everyone wants to live in an Austen kinda world. 

199

"The church is full of hypocrites - there's always space for one more".

I think we're all hypocritical. No matter how self aware we are, we always fall into this trap called hypocrisy. I don't think we're hypocritical because we do it consciously (at least for the most of us). I think we're hypocritical because we want to believe we're people of high(er) moral standards. We look upon a certain action and disagree (vocally) with it, yet commit the same action not more than two hours later. 

We want to believe we're good people. More than deceiving others, we try to deceive ourselves. If we disagree with it, if we commit to saying we're against it, maybe we'll believe that we really won't do the same thing.

But you see, we are human (read: broken). We are broken but beautiful, empty but infinite, lost but found. So we will always try to win, but lose. And to agree with a friend - these paradoxes make life inspiring, extravagant, delicate. Thirsting for so much more. 

Maybe one day - one day we'll get it right. 

For the month of February and beyond: Your love never fails, it never gives up, never runs out on me. 

198

This is tough. 

I have begun to write in nothing but my .38 Uniball Black pen; I suppose for the sake of sheer familiarity and comfort. I have run out of hours in a day; and even the most productive use of time leaves me with work undone. My brain can only sustain the stress I put on myself so far, and writing a theory of knowledge essay really drains you of everything you've got - I can barely put 1 and 1 together. 

I remember being in G11 and going "hey this doesn't seem so bad!" or "hey that's not much harder than what I did for O's!", but boy, that's really changed now - chemistry and math become the most challenging subjects on earth; and if subjects aren't challenging content wise then they sure are work wise. 

The only time I spend with others is to say "hi!" in the morning or "bye!" once we're done; perhaps a "what will you be eating" or "how was your day", but nothing more. Everyone's dug deep in their neverending assignments; one after one after one. But I suppose this is the price, trade-off if you like, of getting an education - and as much as I'll complain, I'll never take for granted the opportunity I've been given to make the hell best of this year. 

So aim high, and see how far your heart will take you. 

"and if our God is for us, what can be against us?" 

197

I cannot believe it's February. 

I've been struggling with bad grammar; poor pronunciation, and a dissatisfactory level of spoken English in general. 

Also, I've fallen in love with Borgen, a Danish drama about Danish politics, but if there's one thing we learn from the international acclaim this show has received, it's that no matter where you are, the crux of politics - power struggle; deceit; manipulation, it's the same thing. Meanwhile, I've also fallen in love with Scandinavia, and am torn between that and New Zealand. The Danes speak beautiful English, and Pittram Singh's quote - "To the young people of this nation, no matter what happens on Saturday, remember one thing; never, ever give up on your country" has almost become my impetus. 

Apart from that, Nicole Krauss said an amazing thing about the beauty of bookshops; which almost sums it up. " You go in meaning to buy Hemingway, but you end up with Homer instead." 

I've been (strangely) blessed with a stroke of motivation + discipline that (still confused over when to use which/that) has led to me to be weirdly productive. It's really tiring, but I'm not complaining. 

I think I've been thinking out loud. Other than that, Happy February. :-)

Cheers!