266

Ever thankful that I have a God who loves me no matter what, who loves me regardless of my performance. Because sometimes, you really need that - you really really do.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" - Romans 8:1. 

I haven't been inspired lately. At this present moment, I feel kinda dry. Like something's missing, but I can't put my finger on it. I'd like to break out of this monotony but I keep reminding myself in two months, I am free. In two months, I am free. 

Constantly remembering that I am human, full of weakness (but my Christ conquered death and just as He is, so am I in this world). 

You are only as special as 1/7000000000. To think otherwise would be very sad. But you're far from insignificant. In fact, realising that makes you all the more significant.

Really, it's good stuff. 

265

I've been stuffing my brain with all the current affairs I could possibly read; yet I haven't come across any intellectually stimulating material in the longest time (I honestly can't even remember). 

Sure, there's been lots to think about - taking sides, forming opinions, being rational - which is always a lousy idea b'cuz really, nobody's really rational and nobody strives to be. But nothing's really taken my breath away, left me in wonder, amazement as I so often am with works of literature, film - or even commentaries on it. Equations of physics which describe why everything happens because everything happens. 

I just miss being curious and finding so much, knowledge and humanity, out of everything I read, see and hear. 

It could well be said that this is my last relaxed week. Next week will be a partial combination of hard work and letting go, but it should be said that it's a week of strategising. The weeks after, with the exception of the 24th (castle), that's to look out for. 

264

All I'd really like to do is throw this all behind me, breathe and write a while. 

The template's a little bit plain but it should be okay. I was aiming for a plain background - either white or black. 

Much has happened in the past two weeks. I never really feel up to it to write because there's nothing much to write about, or to say. I'm rather busy this week, till Friday - Friday comes, then it's the break. The break. Break is a really funny word. I've stopped complaining about how holidays never really are holidays. I've stopped complaining about quite a bit, really. (I sat on the bus to the British Council today and felt as if I was the happiest kid on the planet). But I guess I've really gotta use that week to get organised and refocused and stuff. 2 months, we can make it. 

Mm. The only thing left is I'd really like to read some good writing, and write some good writing. 

Results were good. With the effort I put in I really can't complain. I know I'm in good stead for the real thing. 

"The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests in the Lord." 

263

Playing "I see Grace" on repeat because right now, right here - I need Jesus and His grace more than anything. I need His grace to stop this condemnation. Any sort of condemnation.

We all lose focus once in a while. It's alright - I am human, full of weakness.

and in my weakness, His strength is made perfect.

Thank You - and tomorrow is a new day, with new sevens. (: [hopefully - a confident expectation of good]

262

This week has been a mix of amazing and amazing. 

It was my last week out of two of the prelims, and I celebrated my eighteenth on Monday. Prelims ended on Friday, but I took them to end on Thursday (b'cuz who counts clb!) and I finally got back a little bit of rhythm that I'm used to which I completely lost 4.5 weeks ago. I still can't fathom that I worked for 4.5 weeks at peak energy straight. 

Celebrated my 18th again on Saturday - this time with my friends at a very pretty location. (: I didn't take a full photograph actually - but it was with 2, almost 3 distinct groups of friends and I s'ppose there was no need. Friday was cg (yes, this isn't chronological), and I must say it is pretty pleasant spending two consecutive nights w amazing amazing people. 

Right now, I'm just pretty tired. Life's been going on for full once the clock hit 3 on Friday, and all my energy had been used up before that. Results are back tomorrow and I'm trusting Jesus and His finished work. 

My thoughts are pretty convoluted and yes, my writing ain't up to scratch right now but it's not my biggest concern.

(: 

261

Spent the evening with the most amazing, supportive, loving and God filled people I know. It was incredible. There was nothing spectacular, just a gathering of a few friends - of different closeness and different levels of familiarity. Still, when push comes to shove. 

Wow. This, this is what amazing looks like. So, so blessed. 

- it is when you fail that you need Jesus. When you fail, when you're about to blame/hate yourself. I swear, run to Him. Run. With all you can. 

(and yes, super thankful that prelims are over!!) 

260: 18

so blessed.

Contrary to what everyone says - turning eighteen does feel rather exciting.

But that's for another day.

5 more papers to go - I'm ahead of everyone in this race because of the right subject combination and a favourable exam schedule. (race: number of papers to go).

#unmeritedfavour
#unceasingfruitfulness

259

I feel as if I've gone into a cave and been away from the world (and everything that's been going on around it) forever and ever.

In other words, I feel I've been super culturally deprived (my cultural knowledge is now zerooo) from knowing the latest films + tv shows to what's been trending on the economist and new york times and new yorker (as you can see I don't really care about local news HAHA) to london 2012 to the latest bestsellers oh my goodness I have been living in a cave.

So, rather than just feeling this way - I might as well go into a cave. Literally. At least I won't feel as bad.

You can find me at Cave #15, Lagoon A, Pacific Ocean.

Cheers!

(I actually really, really like my literature texts)

258

Today was good. A few hiccups but I like us geography kids (also cuz we bonded in Tioman, heh!) - I can't decide if I want to sleep now or keep studying. Eh.

After the mocks I've gotta work on Uni apps. But during my September break I shall make sure I finish one or two good books not related to anything I'm doing. The mocks - as everyone has been saying - is a pretty good wake up call to my (our) inadequacy. (in my weakness His strength is made perfect).

I want to learn how to make homemade lemonade/shirley temple so I can go for picnics and hear great stories over glasses of chilled homemade lemonade. (:

257

Economics was a good pick up, and hopefully (definite: a confident expectation of good) geography will be the same.

--

In the words of a good friend of mine "I'm glad the mocks are so early, it gives us reaction time."

HAHA.

God is good la. (:

Just keep meditating, just keep meditating ~

256

exams are not going my way at all - the pressure is really, really getting to me.

midway through my math pp i started thinking about how necessary this was for my predicted grades and almost fell off my chair. needless to say that was the end of the game.

- however, still hanging on, by a thread, knowing i'm the disciple whom Jesus loves and there is still grace. unmerited, undeserved. not by my effort but by his and i am trusting him and i know he will deliver.

255

y'know what -

where the heck is our singapore spirit. this has really gone wrong.

pfft.

#localtalentftw

254

pick up.

it feels good. 

- i can't really process this in words right now, especially since i'm trudging through matrices and vectors in hope of a 7, but yes, - i'm learning to first do things out of intrinsic love for them - to protect my happiness first (this is not a selfish statement - if you don't protect your happiness, who will?). i'm in no state to help others when i'm falling apart. 

(this is just the aftermath of revalation). 

"one day, child, you will realise why you went through everything you did, you will understand how everything has been intrinsically woven to work for your good." 

can't wait to get back to shooting/writing music/writing/spending time with great people/listening to great stories

but for now - for now, the next 14 days. 

let's do this. 

#bringiton. 

(ps: watched a couple of ted talks, - the people should never fear the g'ment, the g'ment should fear the people. really.) 

253

This has been a really strange week.

I like struggle. No, no - don't get me wrong. There are two kinds of struggle. One, the struggle, "life sucks", "life really, really sucks". The bad struggle. The struggle that leaves you discontent and dissatisfied Then there's the struggle which doesn't even feel like struggle. Challenge at most. The struggle (or challenge) that brings growth, character - the challenge that makes you feel good, even whilst you're going through it. Almost like diligence, hard work, perseverance. Now - that's the one I like. (Usually, it also comes with quite a bit of time, so I get to take things slow).

Then, there's the struggle to cut your ToK essay by 280 words. That, I have no words to describe. Oh, there's also the struggle to lose the Badminton game during the Olympics. This, uh ... . yeah.

- too insular, I know I've just come back from a trip all around Europe, but I'd really like to meet (and stay with for a while) a group of brand new people, just to expand my worldview and realise how crazily blessed I am.

95 words left!

252

我快撑不住了。
真的，真的, 撑不住。

--

Amazing la. It really feels like one of those times where I'd just lift my head up and say God is good because I didn't know any better, or you just appreciate His sovereignty. But now I know He's okay with me being so down and dejected and just having to ride it out, I still think He's amazing la. Though I trash it out with Him at the end of the day.

"Are you okay?"
"I'm okay laaaa."
"Are you sure?"


(super not used to this kind of feeling) 

I apologise for my complete use of singlish but yaaah.