319

Have you ever walked your streets early in the morning?

It's pitch dark, well, almost - yet the skies sing a different tune than what it does late at night. It sings of redemption and a new day, where no matter what happened before, it's a chance to start again. When the town's vice has all been said and done, at least for that day - and the city is starting to awaken.

The sky then starts to do a funny dance. Half of it starts to light up; hues of the sweetest blue and purple make their way to the front amongst streaks of clouds. The other half is still dark though. I suppose it'll take it's time.

Soon the sun will be coming out. A hot, orange glow in all it's glory. The sun is amazing if you think about it. We survive because of this one object. Light, heat. One source.
--

I used to wake up early for sunrise service on Easter Sunday at my old church. But now I find myself awake at 630 to trudge to Buona Vista for 830 service. Iris said my bus would take 19m to come, and I contemplated cabbing to the nearest MRT station, but decided against it.

I guess it's because God wanted me to see the colours dancing against the canvas of the skies, and if I'm lucky (I don't actually believe in luck, but for the lack of a better word), maybe to even see the sunrise.

It's Easter - it's redemption, it's Jesus risen. It's the once and for all forgiveness of my sins, 2000 years ago, before I even knew I existed. It's his majesty, awesomeness and love all in one.

(I didn't plan this post. It was spontaneous. I stared at the sky and wondered why I had such inspiration so early in the morning. Now I know why.)

On a day my soul is empty (or full, or I'm between) I'll find it in myself to take a walk to the beach to watch the sunrise.

318

this post is in II parts:

I:

You are more. Not just you, but you too. 

The world seems to miss soul and substance. They go for what they can see, results, performance, cars, houses, clothes (or the lack of it). They head for temporary highs - drugs, alcohol. I have friends so full of life, full of love and full of belief in the better who are made to feel like rejects, failures. They can live their whole lives not knowing their worth because the world's standards are so false, deceptive. 

I know people who just. don't. have. an. identity. They don't know who they are, or whose they are, or what they're here for (without purpose). It's not easy to live like that, it really isn't. But your value isn't in what you can or have achieved. It's in who you are. You are intrinsically valuable. 

I am grateful I can share amazing conversations over a cup of coffee, as well as a glass of champagne. I am grateful I can disagree with people yet have a conversation that goes somewhere, because everybody is different and has a different point of view. I am grateful I have friends who remind me at the end of the day, no matter how many medals you win, cars you buy, times you lose or days you fail, all that matters is Jesus. That I belong to Him and that is enough. 

Above all, I am grateful I know who I am, whose I am, and everyday, I'm growing in the revalation of what I'm worth. 

And I hope you do too. Because you are so much more than you think you are - you are not measured in the grades you get, the school you go to, and the dollars you earn. 

II:

I work in a cafe - and it is an amazing experience.

Everyday I am learning so much more - the simple demographics of our tiny nation, I see people I want to be friends with (and give extra tags to), to people I simply can't stand - because of prejudgement. I wonder if I got to know them and find out what's at the depths of their soul, I'm sure we'd connect on the same level. 

More than that, I'm learning empathy and compassion. I love staring out and seeing who's here, who's who, and seeing how people interact.

I love seeing happy people come into the cafe. I'm not saying we should always be happy, but I see so many people out with family mostly, some with children, some just as couples, so sad and so grumpy and I wonder if they are truly happy, if on a day out with people you're supposed to love the most, you are still unable to smile. But joyful ones really make my day. I mean they just look like they've got a whole lot of sunshine and put it in their pocket. Brightens my day. 

I think we're all too afraid to be honest. We hide behind masks and perfect everything before we present it, we hide our scars and patch up our broken hearts. But we're all broken, we're all searching, and we could all do with a little more love, and a little more honesty - because that's where we'll find the heart of others.  

317

Good Friday.

Right now, I'm on my way to work. But thinking back to 2000 years ago, my saviour, knowing all He was about to endure still chose to die on the cross for the once and for all forgiveness of my sins, so I can have life, and life more abundant.

I think this is one of the days I hope will continually grow in meaning over the years for me.

My soul is overwhelmed. :)

316

I think after all's said and done, 

I am incredibly in love with life, even when it doesn't feel like there's much to be in love with. I don't know how this "I have a soul" thing works, but I would have been terribly upset if my soul didn't get a chance at living, didn't get a chance to learn, grow, and form an indelible relationship with my Saviour.

But I suppose God doesn't create souls that don't get the chance of living. It's amazing to know He's got my entire life in His hands. 

-- 

This song, this version - moves me every time: 

God bless you, each and everyone of you, whether you believe in Him or not. 

315

This has been such. a. long. week.

It feels like it's been at least a week since my folks came back from the Japan, and 2 weeks since my friends last came over, but truthfully, it's only been half the time. I've worked 3 full day shifts in a row and my feet are broken. (quite literally)

I do like my job but it is tiring. I am learning so much on the job - about the job, about people, and about myself. I have come to realise we are all different and am continually eternally grateful for my kingdom friends - those I know will see me through my days on earth, and I am certain we'll be visiting each other's grand houses in Heaven, aside from the time we are too in awe of God to do anything else - which I s'ppose would be most of it. 

I have so much to say, so much I probably can't remember, and so much I want to do. 

I may or may not post it in one segmented post, or many posts. But right now, I'd like to sleep - following that, get past my violin exam and then we'll begin again. 

- 

314

I am in the midst of writing a really honest letter to God. I addressed it to both God and Jesus because I honestly will never know how the Trinity works and I do want them both to read it, so just to be safe.

Nobody sees me at my darkest. I don't often get drained, or tired, but I really am now. Not for a single reason. There was an analogy I really like from Michael Lewis' Boomerang. "You can't put a finger on what caused the Greek crisis, but if you put your whole hand over the reasons, a finger would touch tax evasion." In the same way, if you put a hand over what drains me, I know where the fingers would reach. 

I may actually take a long shower, and a good cry for no other reason than I am really drained, and crying is an amazing way to release emotions. 

I actually had a really good day today - I love my serving team so much. They're like family, ish, and it's only been two weeks. I honestly don't know how I'm going to leave Singapore and the amazing amazing community I've been part of the past two years. It's bullshit, this "you can't find community in a megachurch", and my senior pastor would not approve of me swearing, but I am honestly too tired for this. 

I see children from 24 months being brought up in the grace of God, in the love of Christ, and even when they need to be corrected, it is done out of love. We teach them there is a higher way, that they are set apart, and have a glorious destiny, and it is amazing. 

Kingdom minded. 

313

Pride and Prejudice - the most universal love story ever written. 

Ugh this Austen is such a genius. Also everybody, go watch the Lizzie Bennet Diaries. :) 

One of the things I really like about my choices is that I try to be as well read as possible, and travel as much. 

This is an insanely disjointed post but all I really wanted to say was I love Pride & Prejudice and it has ruined all my expectations so - you can blame Austen. 

312

extraordinary

It hit me today that I will be leaving this amazing group of friends I have found, known as North B, especially the J3s. Never in my wildest imagination would I have thought I'd find such an amazing group of kingdom minded friends in new creation. Everyone tells me the problem with a megachurch is that there is no sense of community, that there's no fellowship, that it's not cosy. 

That's a complete and utter lie. Yes, you'll have to go out of your way to make friends, it'll be awkward the first few times - but God directs your steps, - so fight through the initial resistance, because it's going to be so worth it in the end. I have been exceedingly and abundantly blessed the past two years, and I know it's not going to stop now. I go from glory to glory. 

I mean, yes - waiting gets difficult. Not knowing if LSE wants me, not knowing which school to go to, not knowing what my future holds, it's all difficult. But that's all speculation. His word says He knows what He's doing, His word says my future is good, His word says I'm in the right place at the right time, His word says I am not called to be mediocre. 

- and that is what is going to come to pass. 

311

It's not fair. 

You see all these self-indulging statements, how people "don't care" / "pretend to care" / "say they want to understand you but don't" / "are insincere" / "are too superficial" - like it's all their fault. 

But it's not. Everyone is fighting a hard battle. Objectively, some harder than others. But souls are not transferrable. Neither is pain. It just doesn't work like that. Everybody only fully experiences their own battles. You can't expect anyone to fully understand you - it just doesn't work that way. 

These statements, these self indulging statements place a far too unfair responsibility on the rest of the world. It's not that they're too superficial, it's probably just that their own battle preoccupies them too much. Also - how much are you letting go? I knew someone I simply couldn't connect with because he refused to let me in, no matter how hard I tried. It's not that we run away when life gets tough, sometimes we get pushed away, sometimes we're never let in, sometimes we honestly cannot handle it. 

There's nothing wrong with someone taking care of themselves first. 

This is why I'll never be anything more than a right winged capitalist - because I believe in the individual. 

310

addicted to this song:

you call me out upon the waters / the great unknown where feet may fail / and there I find you in the mystery/ in oceans deep / my faith will stand //

// I will call upon your name / keep my eyes above the waves / where oceans rise / and my soul will rest in your embrace / I am yours and you are mine //

// your grace abounds in deepest waters / your sovereign hand / will be my guide / where feet may fail and fear  surrounds me / you've never failed and you won't start now //

// spirit lead me where my trust is without borders / let me walk upon the waters / wherever you will lead me // take me deeper than my feet could ever wander / and my faith will be made stronger / in the presence of my saviour // -

309

I live a life of constant realisation. 

I realise I am amazingly blessed to live a life where I know God, and have a personal relationship with Jesus. I believe in Him, and I believe He's made my life exceedingly and abundantly all I could have ever done for myself. 

I realise a lot of times we let many things that should never be cliches become cliches. Pastor Lian told us today - "never get familiar with the favour of God". My entire existence is based upon my Saviour's death on the cross. It's not a one time thing. 

I realise my IB testimony is not a U-A sort of testimony that many were sharing. It's a God brought me to a better place testimony. It is a God worked through me through the past two years, showing me His heart - His real heart, revealing my identity, showing me what a "Christ in me" was capable of. Yes, putting me in the right place at the right time and favour with the examiners, but it is a lot more than that. As always, the IB and the amazing results my A level friends achieved - it's a side effect of God's grace, and not the other way round. 

I think you take a while to come to this conclusion, but if I could choose again, I'd honestly not live another person's life. It is as if you start out as an empty vessel and grow, and learn, and form a relationship with yourself (if that's possible). You start to love yourself a bit more and appreciate yourself from where you've come, and you've built a completely unique relationship with Jesus that I would not change for the world. 

- also, hillsong united's zion is ah.ma.zing, so do check it out (!!!) 

308

"There's something I like about lonely people. He sure looks lonely.

His shirt says beer + baseball = it's all good. I wonder if he lives life on such a simple principle.

But he's on a train, and he's getting off, so he must be going somewhere, right? Meeting company?

I sure hope so. He looked rather aloof, not knowing where he was going or what he was doing, but I'm sure he was just finding his bearings.

It's not that I like lonely people, but there's something that draws me in. You see them defences down, not trying to impress anyone, anything. It's not a rawness but it's definitely real. Maybe I'm referring to people who are alone. But you can tell when someone is lonely.

I've come across many people alone in buses and trains, but very few lonely. But being lonely adds an extra weight to it, another dimension. I think you see them a little more human.

I wonder where he went. He was pretty old, had a baseball cap and an empty can of oolong tea. He got off at promenade , my guess is he's a tourist.

I pass by probably a thousand people a day, each one with their own stories, longings and fears. Dreams, failures and people they love. But I don't know any of them.

I should start treating people like people. This urban-ness hasn't done anything good for my people to people interactions."

- my mind on a Saturday while waiting for violin class.

307

"This, was literally, a miracle"

Today I went for cg, I went for cg without knowing if I'd be at cg 5 hours before it started. I was the only part timer at work, and I left the shop, on a Friday evening, to 2 full timers who had lotsa other things to do. But the boss said go, so I went. 

And it was amazing - the honesty, openness and vulnerability that the cg displays blows my mind. This is a group of people knowing they are loved by the king and build themselves in the security of it. Mostly, everyone did well for their As. But the most beautiful thing was everybody - every, single, person, was in abandon to the great God who has blessed all of us with such excellent results - that we may not say it is I, but Him who gives it all; Him who has given us every bit of energy, every bit of favour, and every bit of "right place at the right time" to succeed in this world until we are called home. Straight As or not so straight As, it was amazing. It really was. 

Now - believing God for Legacy camp! I know I'll experience God everywhere but I'm sure Legacy camp would just be corporate worship and corporate anointing on a whole. new. level. It'll be my first & last time I getta go so here's trusting! 

Making the most amazing friends at cg and at work and keeping the most amazing friends and family with me all the time. Wow. 

Lotsa other people did really well for their As so congrats to them too. :) But we don't just celebrate the winners - we celebrate everyone. 

So happy or not so happy, here's to you.