303

change - 

a junior of mind shared this song with us at cell on tuesday, it's worth a listen - actually, far more than a listen.

it has hit me that people move on, friends are enlisting, sjii and cg folk alike, moving away for university, living away. friendships are so amazing, and so precious. the fact that two people (or a group, for that matter), can connect and share something on varying scales of beauty (despite our souls being non-transferrable) is just amazing. 

to all my friends enlisting - "do not be afraid, dear one, you are safe, be strong and courageous" - daniel 10:19 (nrsv) 

in other news, i'll be in japan for two weeks, which i am extremely grateful for. otherwise, i am still waiting on offers, but even in the midst of this waiting, Jesus is good, faithful, and i know because i am favoured, i can be expectant of the offers yet to come. :) 

302

I guess it's the way we choose to live.

essentials: got paid, stopped work (my current job), need offers, need to draft a resume, need to decide whether to apply to smu. 

I had an amazing day today - met two friends at starbucks in the morning, went to school to see all my favourite teachers except my favourite-est, went for cell, joined a tok class - which I really miss, joined a few more friends for a semi lunch, went to a park with two of the previous friends to chill, crashed another friend's place for a couple of hours until it was 2300 and we all had to go home. 

I stopped working yesterday and today felt like the perfect way to let it all go. I miss everybody, and it isn't like me to do so, but I've gotten much closer to a lot of sji folk, and feel (and will feel) extremely indebted to my sjii teachers (for the rest of my life, probably). Everyone's just waiting for someone to value and love them, they really are. 

301

lost

(getting a gazillion emails but none of interest, please ucas, please universities!) 

I know many people, I'm friends with much fewer. Most of the people I know are lost, myself included. Some are completely lost, some are a little lost, and some are barely lost - for the moment. It's not easy being lost - losing your bearing, your compass, the certainty of the land you are standing on. Your thoughts confuse you and your mind starts to wander. It's a scary time, because the uncertainty rattles you, and for a snap period in time, you don't actually know what you're believing in, living for. 

But I think being lost is okay. It's even healthy, I'd say. Once in a while, you need things to challenge the way you're living, the memories you're keeping, and the stands you're making. More often that not, I find myself going back to the initial stands I made, memories I kept, and sometimes, the way I live. But it gets enhanced - I learn more, live more, grow more. I realise what should be kept and what shouldn't, why certain stands should be justified, and how two seemingly contradictory things can be held in tension.

Getting lost is healthy - because we all too often get stuck in a rut. We put our autopilot modes on. Because to live with it off is far too tiring, given the number of activities I pile on in a day. But take it off, live intentionally. Get confused, get lost. Start to question things - stay curious.

Trust me, I think life will turn out better that way. 

300

three hundred - sometimes I just like the way the word "hundred", and "three" for that matter, not "tree", rolls off your tongue. 

You get to this point where you realise that you, ultimately, are you - you are your own person. With the exception of God, and again, this depends on how close you are with Him, it really is you. You, your soul, your mind, your thoughts, your heart. It's you. 

The fact we have a soul amazes me. The fact we're more than beating hearts, breathing lungs, blinking eyes - the fact that we feel, we react - it's more than the 5 senses. That things move us. I mean come on, there's gotta be someone who gave us life. It'd be a huge step for me to consider that the entire universe came to being by accident, but if I had to, I could perhaps, for a moment, think about it. But an accident giving us life? Giving us separate, unique, individual identities? No accident could have ever created that. 

So you are you - you are you and as much as life is meant for sharing, meant for letting people in and people letting you in, your soul is not transferrable. Or not fully transferrable. You experience it. Just you. Then you translate it. Some people understand your language a little better than others, some not so well. In the end, it is you. 

I hate that I've gotten to a point where you've started to annoy me. I was trying to fight it, but I can't. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, maybe I get genuinely annoyed. But always, I'll be wishing you nothing but the very best in life. 

I came back from work extremely tired and more emotionless than not - it surprises me that my mind is still operating, and feeling far from happy, I could still feel joyful and content. I'm starting to learn how joy is a virtue, happiness is an emotion, and faith overrides feeling, two hundred and twenty four percent of the time. 

So hello you - I don't know if we've met, or if we will meet. But I'd like to get to know you - anyone, everyone. I want to know what makes you angry. What really, really angers you. What stirs up these emotions of irrational fury in you. I want to know what makes you happy. Not happy happy, but ecstatic. You know, for that one moment where you feel nothing can get you down? Where you're invincible. I want to know what gets you thinking, what gets you passionate, what gets you moving. What it is that hits you and you suddenly feel you. have. to. do. something. You can no longer lie indifferent, the apathy is gone. I want to know what you're living for, who you're living for - who you love, what you love, and what you would like to have done before your time on this amazing, amazingly beautiful planet is up. I want to know you, fellow human, in all your imperfections, flaws, strengths and rawness. 

Because honestly? That's where the deepest beauty is found. 

I want to know what makes you a miracle. 

Because you are. 

299

"So I guess in the end, I wasn't willing to give the relationship a try, I was willing to consider giving the relationship a try". 

Even when I get terribly disappointed with the new form of communication, it's amazing how humans can connect over the most distant whatsapp. - had a good conversation with a friend today on an issue she understands where I'm coming from, which really isn't the easiest of things to find these days. 

Also - had the first cluster cg of my life today, and it was ah.maz.ing. Saw the new J1s and although they were really quiet during the first small group session, you notice the little things, such as how genuine they are and how genuine their hearts are - and yes everyone is imperfect and you find these rough edges, but all the more that proves they are real. Then you see them during worship and realise that their hearts genuinely go out to God and as quiet or as noisy as they may be they want one thing, Jesus. I see the J3s, J2s and new J1s and we're so different but all after one thing, Jesus. To really desire that and to go so counter intuitively against what the world says, man these people are brilliant and it is my privilege I get to spend so much time with them. 

So hello 2013, you are going to be one heck of a great year. 

(just as you can't spend too much time with someone who is perpetually sad, i am finding it very difficult to spend time with someone who is perpetually happy. it just feels as if something is missing). 

298

I thought I drank decaffeinated coffee, but it feels pretty caffeinated. 

1. I have the best family in the world. Wouldn't trade it for anyone or anything. 

2. I have the best friends in the world. To go from school to school and keep who's important to me, I honestly couldn't have asked for more.

3. I had the best pre U education in the world. Oxford or no oxford, I wouldn't have changed a thing. 

--

This is what I see: souls are tired, people are jaded. There's so much more to live for, so much more to do that will really make you happy, but we can't. We're too busy trying to survive we forget to live. We're too hard on everyone else because we're simply having a bad day. Nobody is at fault really, it takes a lot to make it here. But it's beautiful. This earth we live on, this planet we've been given - it really is amazing. Heaven will be even better, but until I get there - #herewego. Love a little, you'll be loved much more in return. Honestly, probably 5 of you will read this tomorrow - but treat yourself to something nice, and have a good day. :)

297

6 years ago, when I was 12 or 13, I told a friend 9 years older than I am that I wanted to do politics. To that she told me the landscape was too boring and that there were no prospects. Maybe in a few years, she said, but again she was uncertain.

Look at us now. 2 years, 4 elections, and only a 60% overall vote share for the incumbent.

I s'ppose the key of david worked since years ago. I've a bit more to say on the by-e (II), but that will wait because I am at work and it's pretty ideological.

So, as I was saying - a four cornered fight. (Is anyone up for the Hustings? I'd really like to attend a RP and WP one!) 

Ideologically, a 4 cornered fight makes sense. Given that the value of a democracy is intrinsic within a democracy because of the choice it brings, and not in its consequence (I dare say a democracy is one of the least efficient political systems), the more the merrier - or so we would think. On K Jeyaratnam's logical, you can't fault him there. He has the right to contest, and even the two independent jokers. It's about choice and presenting that.

Of course, thinking purposefully, intentionally or consequentially, a 4 cornered fight makes no sense. There's no constructive input of anything - I get you, Mr. K, but building up a political party takes time - don't meddle in the affairs of others, not just yet. And this opposition unity thing really isn't such a bad idea. After all, it's the same Singapore we're fighting for yes? 

296

FML. Everyone I met +1 didn't make it to the college, and one got reallocated to another. For some reason I find this quite funny. Rejection letters galore. HAHAHAHA. 

But I had an amazing 3+ days there and wouldn't trade it for anything.

Also, had the best 2 nights out the past two days with the most amazing people ever. Amazingly blessed, again, and really looking forward to what's in store for me. :) 

295

as it goes:

1. Got rejected from Oxford, still waiting on offers, deliberating whether to apply to NUS law for the heck of it. 

2. Had an amazing dinner with the CG J3 girls last night, got high on chocolate, soup, and Proverbs. 

3. Half of SJII is going to be in London this September, especially the girls, and to add on, some of my favourite SC friends so that's going to be amazing. 

4. Dinner tonight with some of my favourite boys who will be enlisting very shortly, and one who has. Exciting times.

As always, the year of the key of david. 

294

Got to say, my preferred news source is probably Yahoo! Singapore, just because it's bitesized, not as biased, contains a good mix of local & international news, and yes, is not as biased.

thoughts while reading the news:
1. oh my gosh COE 92k what is wrong with this country how can anyone afford a car that is five times the price of a good car in other nations.
2. oh my gosh how can they plead not guilty I mean isn't that digusting oh my goodness - but yes okay fine they do deserve a fair trial. (tkam taught me that). 
3. oh my gosh a five way fight, no opposition is ever going to win a five way fight at punggol east, sda and reform should really stay out of this.
4. sigh better communication is really needed between opposition parties but thanks yahoo for reporting well, saying WP won decisively over PAP at Hougang.
5. "busy national agenda" aye, let's lower the population because 5.2 million really isn't sustainable, neither is 6. I get that MM Lee said that but like, you know - we live in very different times now, update yourself and really consider it damnit.
7. I want to watch my korean drama even though it has become so korean drama-y.
8. Oh, tswift has split, again? Shoulda known better you. 
9. Damnit, this is disgusting - rape could have been averted if she begged for mercy from her attackers or chanted the name of God? Wow. I can't blelieve we would ever advocate that rape is the victim's fault. It's sad society has gone down to "don't get raped", it really is. Since when was it okay to rape - and I'll tell you one thing, I wouldn't want to believe in the god this dude believes in. I really won't.
10. does the law unfairly protect the minors? I mean surely you have to make an exception to the rule with this 17 year old, the law can't be that flawed.

Yep. Me. Most mornings.

293

three (3)

(1):

So this is what it feels like to do well. I went through 3 major exams in this ghastly education system, and 2 left me wrecked. I'm still riding on a high, - not the arrogant type, I hope, and it honestly feels good to, in this order: be motivated, work hard at something, and do well at it. His word says I am the head and not the tail, and indeed His word is true. 

On another note, I s'ppose it's not really fair to God to say "God is good" only when you do well. I know He's always good, always always - and I guess sometimes I just use it as a filler because I've got nothing else to say. I genuinely mean it when I thank God for my grades because as I said, I can't, but He sure can, but it's almost too misrepresentative of who my God is - because my God's goodness is independent of the grades I get, the school I go to and the career I end up having. It's intrinsic, not consequential, and the fact I do well is because of His intrinsic goodness. He isn't good when I do well, it is because He is good I do well. 

(2):

I've always believed love is a choice - and attraction, or 'like', is not as much a choice. So I'm not going to use falling in love, I'm going to use falling for. It's a funny thing falling for someone at the age of 18. It's very different than falling for someone at age 14, but then again, that's not fair - it's a different person, me and him(s). For one, I'm a little more knowledgable of my own heart and my own mind - it becomes a little bit more than just that thrill, and a little less of the taking, but more of the giving and the working at it and the growing in love bit. 

Also - but this hasn't changed, I know a little bit more about how Christ is truly the cornerstone and should be the centre of any relationship. 

(3):

I can't remember the third point. I had it in my head as I was walking back from the driving school to the MRT. It was good going back to school today, to see we made the teachers so proud - half of our chemistry class getting 7s and 1/4th of my economics class (considering there was only 10/75 students with 7s - so 4 from us), and 4 in my english class. 

God is good. This is unmerited favour - and this is the year of the key of david. Blessed beyond belief. 

292

The IB, part II:

I remember coming fresh from the heartbreak of the O's telling a friend for once in my life I want to work hard and something and do well in it. And I did.

It's more than vindication, it's truly, honestly, all glory to Jesus who gave me the drive to get through it all, and who's blessed me with no condemnation. He told me he was setting me up for greater success after the not so smooth prelims, and He told me today that I'll be pleased with my results, and I am.

It's a good score, and today is a good day. - now all that awaits is Oxford getting back to me.

the year of the key of david. 

291

The IB:

I write this now because only God knows how I'll be feeling tomorrow. Being a queen of the dramatics (though only when it comes to things like this), I'll probably span the far end of the spectrum on either side, preferably the good one. 

SJI have been phenomenal years in my life and I've been blessed with the most amazing teachers ever. I do not exaggerate. I know where I stand (methinks), and I know where people think I stand. I know what I want to get, but I genuinely don't know how I'll fare tomorrow. (the thing about tomorrow is this - it marks the end of my IB years, my 2012 - I'll move on, and that's scary).

Whatever it is, I know my 2 years in SJI, and my 3 weeks of exams were showered with His grace, and it is Him who said He is able to answer exceedingly and abundantly above all we can ask or imagine. I guess all that is left is to trust.

Easier said than done, but I thank God always that I'm allowed to be human, I'm allowed to be real and there is no condemnation. 

So cheers to that, 

and regardless of the number on your paper - may your path be blessed always.

290

13 minutes before my party:

I've spent 2 days in the CBD and at 12 sharp, the whole town comes out for lunch. It's amazing, really, to see a congregation of office workers who've, imlho, sold their soul to, whatever it is. Granted, that's a little mean, but I couldn't imagine doing this for the next 20 years of my life. Clocking in at 8, lunching at 12 and knocking off at 6. For 20 years. 

What for? 

Internships are fun though. Knowing I'll only be there for a month or two gives me great relief. I love the people I'm meeting, but I think I'd have formed a very different opinion if I were doing that as my job. 

Also - spent the better part of this night with my SJI friends. After spending 2 good years in their fantastic company, I really miss them. That and all the conversations I should be having, and sharing notes on similar stories (:

life is good. 

289

Happy 2013!

- whatever it is, you made it past the past year, so here's to you, champion! 

things I learnt in 2012:

• I need my alone time. I love people, old and new, and I love listening to their stories and sharing mine with them. But some times, I need to be completely alone. (read: solitary)
• I am an extroverted introvert.

Actually, I learnt a lot more than that - but that's all I've got on my mind. 

So, it's the 1st of Jan. I've created Instagram, but haven't followed anybody and I don't really know how to use it, and I've bought 100 days of favour. It's pretty daaaaamn good. 

I'm really excited to see what this year holds. - Just as He is, so am I in this world.