288

2013:

• I think I'm going to start writing about God. Not the "God's been so good to me and has really blessed me" sort, but the real stuff. I'm not sure about that yet, but I do feel things need to be said. 
• I may even start writing letters to the Prime Minster. Not real letters, but posts that start with Dear Mr Prime Minister, or the sort.
• I will transfer my photos on time - also, I'm saving up for a Retina display mac, methinks. But we'll see how that goes. My 32GB SD card conveniently deleted everything, including all my photographs and videos I've collected the whole past year. No better time to start than in the New Year I guess.

Also - I can't wait for Elementary to return. 

2013: 

To live intentionally, and not waste a day. 

2012's been very good. Amazingly blessed, and I spent an hour at Starbucks writing it all down. It's good. It's been good. Let's see what 2013 brings. Hopefully the means to do what I love, and a little bit more time spent on the things I like to do. I think there isn't time to waste on things I don't like doing anymore.

287

If I'm not wrong, this is post two hundred and eighty seven. I changed up the fonts a little because I felt like it, and also they seem a little bit more photo friendly. 

I went back to church today, after an almost month long absence. Man, that felt good. I was at Marina Bay, watching the Satellite transmission from The Star PAC - it is huge, and so lovely. I am so blessed to be part of an amazing church, even if our Christmas service attracts 36 thousand (36000) people, and we don't have space to contain it all, jamming half of Singapore. I think I said "man, I've missed church" at least 5 times during Pastor's sermon today - the missing 93 years. 

There are so many things I want to do in 2013, but I s'ppose the most of all is live a good life. Live a Jesus centered one, and invite Him back into my boat. Because as much as I have a gazillion things I wish to do, I know that His plan will be the best for mine and contain the most blessings and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Taking myself out for breakfast tomorrow because I haven't done enough thinking on the past year and the year to come. But hey, 24 hours and 41 minutes left to the year. This calls for a drink.

Have a lovely last day of 2012, my good friends! 

286

I can finally feel it - I was honestly starting to get worried.

But, 2013's going to be a good year. I feel it in my bones. We start with the 1st of Jan, then the 6th, 11th of Jan, then finally the 31st of December.

I'm going to get into university, get my license, get a job, volunteer, travel the world, read, and meet great new people.

I can't wait.

285

Helsinki.

I usually am far more introspective during my end of year travel, and in the last two minutes, I think I've figured out why.

Interviews.

They went alright. Some better than
others, some could have been much better. But my trust is in Jesus and His finished work, not my performance. Always remember I am a fighter from victory, not for. My, I have a lot of growing to do, but I have the most patient and most loving God.

Christ alone, cornerstone. (If I'd to get a tattoo it'd be this.)

The company was bloody brilliant tho. I've often lamented about wanting to experience new company and this was it. Fun and refreshing and the sorta emotion only new people can bring. I love my (old) friends tho, it's just once in a while you need a breather. And that's why I think I lost my sense of introspection. Cuz the whole experience has been so new.

- I've been reading a lot and sleeping a lot. I miss church, pun intended, and am starting to realise the need for weekly, even daily reminders of dependence on Him.

I hope y'all are doing well!

2012 has been a blast.
x

284

284, if i'm not wrong?

i've been rather inactive but today i shall leave you for the next 18 days or so,

as i'm off to finland & the uk!

cheers y'all.

283

i. need to get sleep cycle restored
ii. jesus in the midst of it all
iii. i cannot, but He can.

-

i do want this quite badly, actually.

282

exams are over (oops, sorry A level physics & bio kids)

prom is over

high school is over.

wow. 

today:

i. boy:

four, maybe six? i doubt he's past eight. - saw him at pastamania, being terribly unhelpful, dropping cutlery and throwing a tantrum. i don't really understand why he needed four spoons and four forks for two, but y'know. 

strange kids. 

his mum was slightly embarrassed, but he couldn't find fault in his actions and kept yelling how it was an "accident"to his mum, over and over. i mean, where did all the respect go. 

i know this sounds pretty negative but i think i'm more perplexed than anything

ii. girl:

probably eighteen, maybe nineteen, but around that age - was at the star (great place, btw) with a friend.  there was a lady who threw a completely unreasonable tantrum and stormed out of sogurt without paying. offered to buy it off her but she refused (i mean, after the lady left), so we ate and i wrote her a post it and hopefully she feels better.

strange.

- haven't done this in a while, go through a day and make interesting observations about people/live interestingly. 

--

amazingly blessed and comforted to know that even now as i go through such uncertainty and conflict within myself that i can always & forever say i have an amazing saviour who loves me more than anything or anyone or all the stars combined and that my future is gonna blow my mind, just as the past two years have. 

god bless y'all. 

(really)

281

It's the last lap that's the toughest. 

Papers have been good, and there's Economics left; Tuesday and Wednesday. I've got nothing to complain about, but I've been moving too fast.

As Willy Loman put it - "I've been going sixty miles an hour and I don't remember the last five minutes". 

I need a break, I'm losing perspective - and when you lose that, life goes haywire. Solitude is so, so important and I've become so, so appreciative of it. The fact is, it's never really solitude, but alone time w Jesus. And when you really need that solitude, He leaves you alone.

5 more days (ish) - almost, almost there!

280

I love how everyone is declaring support from Obama just from what the press say/social media says, because if you actually went to read their policies and listen to their debates, you might have another opinion of who's the better leader for America.

(which is ironic because I don't know my right-wing press for myself. HURHUR)

Anyway, exams have been pretty smooth - finishing math and geog tomorrow can't wait!! :') also my oxford entrance exam aaaawh but God is with me. :)

Cheers m'friends.

I can't even remember the post #, but that's irrelevant.

The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests in the Lord. - Pvb 21:31

(and I have victory. Whoohoo!)

Let's do this.

278

I haven't been here in a while. In fact, beyond a 1km radius of my house and interactions with my family, I'm practically a hermit who hasn't been anywhere in a while.

I've been busy trying to put in insane hours in the final push before my exams. I'm still pretty excited. I don't know why. As for now, while God has given me the strength to push on, I shall.

36 is taking me for a ride through the city, as I make my way from the NLV (which is of course closed on public holidays, silly me) to the airport - my original intended study destination.

I complain a lot, but I'm really blessed. Our city looks pretty good (even if that's just surface), and comparatively, mm, gotta say I got a pretty good cut of the deal.

I hope you're living your life with gratitude, even if its just for being alive.

Have a jolly day!

277

I hate to say this, but: it sucks to be second best. 

I saw it on the faces of the silver medalists, and I saw it today. Second best really hurts. 

On another note - school's out. It's been an incredible journey. From actually getting to the school (and giving up Cheltenham), to everything I've learnt, seen and been part of. The people I've met - friends and teachers, my classes, tutor groups, lunches and cell. It's just been an amazing, amazing journey. Jesus has always, always been working a great work whilst I've been there, and because of Him, I've never been nor will have to settle for second best.

 I know SJII is just a little bit of what He's doing in my life, and it really complemented my transition to the gospel of Grace. My God is a big picture God and He's never been one to sweat the small stuff.

My tiny little human heart and mind may never understand, but I know He knows what He's doing, and SJII has just been fantastic. There's a teacher (many really) I've had here who has been so influential on my life - and he has no idea how much I owe (and will owe) him. But the people, experiences and just everything I've met and done. It's been bloody fantastic - and y'know, God has been so so good, and His goodness ain't going to stop there.

3 weeks to the exams; study hard - I'm pretty excited. 

Be blessed! 

276

I haven't been here in a while; largely just because I've got so much going on right now.

My uni applications are due tomorrow, my exams are in 4 weeks, and lotsa other exciting stuff. God is good, and all I have is from Him, for Him. He's holding me in all this and I honestly just cannot wait to see what He has in store for me. 

Sorta reaching a disconnect between me and myself; but I'll pick myself up soon and find myself right where I want to be. 

For now: 

Starting to really need hermit time.

Cheers. 

275

Busy, but far too blessed to be stressed! (In Jesus name).

It's been an exciting (and dramatic week). 5 more weeks to the exams so everyone's starting to crank up their engines, I'm no exception. Spending weekends mugging as well as focusing on applications - those have gotta be good, it seems like there's a gazillion things to do but I know that I'm well found in my Saviour's arms (and His unmerited favour).

also, here's a thought: you don't define your relationship w Jesus based on the name of your "religion". (i.e lutheran/catholic/charismatic etc) You (may) define the name of your "religion" based on your relationship w Jesus. (But I'd just plainly suggest to focus on your relationship w Jesus).

Cheers.

274

I see Grace, sealed by your sacrifice;

I see love, reaching for me. 

The race is not to the swift,
Nor the battle to the strong,
Nor bread to the wise,
Nor riches to men of understanding,
Nor favor to men of skill;
But time and chance happen to them all.

- Ecclesiastes 9:11

Just so, so blessed. Always. 

273

this, in two parts:

a) inspire-

Today, for a school based interview workshop, we were asked to bring something that inspires us. This is a tall order. Not because there isn't anything to bring, but because every damn thing in the world inspires me. 

When you really get down to thinking about it, it becomes quite amazing really. This world is such a wonderous place and the people are beautiful and just realising that, just, being awestruck or held in wonder leaves you just inspired. And I think I marvel at the serendipity of events (of course knowing it isn't actually serendipity), and how perfectly everything fits together and just works. It's quite amazing. 

b) blessed beyond measure

This week has been an infinitely great week - from a surprise bump up of a grade, to doing well in mock tests (quite important, really), to just seeing applications come together, to an exciting piece of news and father-daughter bonding, it's just been a brilliant week and my God is so good and so faithful and wow.wow.wow.

But as I was walking home the other day, I realised that none of this would matter if I ain't make it to heaven. But o'cuz, I know I've got so much because I've got a good God in heaven lookin' out for me. I guess the take home message was never forget - kingdom minded is our aim. 

It's been a good week, and I hope everyone has been having lovely ones too. Life gets tough, but it's so, so beautiful.

Cheers. 

272

At this very moment, my mind has been overcrowded. Thoughts are invading my mind too fast; too fast for me to slow down and process anything, distinguish right from wrong. 

I could really use a break right now. A break from all the people I know. Not because I don't like them - I love the people around me. Just because, sometimes you need one. Sometimes you need to remember who you are, and who holds you. Who you are, and what you're living for. Who you are, and where you'll soon be. 

Too many voices, two too many. 

Always remembering I'm human, that's okay - nothing more is expected of me. 

271

I'm just posting this here so I don't forget it:

"It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. // It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive."  

- Oriah Mountain Dreamer

270

I saw a woman in distress today.

Her hands were cupped over her face, but I couldn't tell whether it was in frustration or to wipe away tears. That's what caught my eye. I was sitting in the bus, and her in her car. She was in the driver's seat, the rest of the car was empty. 

I wondered for a few split seconds if she was just wiping her face. But there was a difference sense. She was on the phone - you could tell from the earpiece in her ear, and for the 30 seconds the red light stopped both our vehicles momentarily.

Hand gestures followed after - frantic waving, circling, even writing on the steering wheel, whatever that meant. There was probably shouting. I won't know for certain, because it was evidently out of earshot, but there was shouting. Or at least some frustrated banter. 

(I think in that time, my mind did a combination of wander and logical linking.) 

The lights changed and the car pulled away much faster than the bus moved along. She drove with her hands barely on the steering wheel, the other hand still in agitated movement, still shouting. 

It was barely 730 in the morning - and I saw a woman in distress.

I wonder how she is now. 

269

It's a pity I never got down to more than lying in bed, playing tetris battle, house m.d, and rewatching a couple of the shows I like to rewatch. I also used copious amounts of tissue and killed a few rainforests in the meantime, and I'm taking medication which knocks me out faster you can say "sweet dreams!". 

There's something so daunting about the whole 2 months that lie ahead of me - but then again, there's nothing really daunting at all. It's uncertain, yes - but when your security lies in the cornerstone, I don't know.

I guess the greatest "pity" of all is that I didn't manage to read - well, a couple of pages, but that doesn't really count for much. I was going to get up and make m' way to starbucks or the coffee bean, but my body didn't feel up for that.

Ah well.

268

Spending my week off school in bed nursing this drag of a cold. Oh well. We get what we can, I guess! (and no one can fault me for not working. ;))

267

I miss writing. I really do. 

I have so much to say these days, but nothing comes out fluently, coherently. Hemingway said there was nothing difficult to writing at all. You just had to sit down at the typewriter and bleed. He also said all you had to do was write the truest sentence you know. 

Write the truest sentence you know. 

"God is good." 

Perhaps it all starts from there. Sure, I could write about God's goodness. I always can. (there are no "but"s to this sentence). Write the truest sentence you know. I've been reading Hemingway: The Old Man and the Sea. I haven't gotten very far, but I am reading it. Along with Machiavelli's The Prince and an attempt at The History of Love. 

I don't know. I guess one day I'll sit down and write about contentment and gratitude. I feel I don't stop enough. I like having things to do. I forget to sit down and embed in myself the amazing things that have happened today, yesterday, the day before. I pay too much attention to the task set before me, without realising I've perhaps missed something a bit more significant. 

But I'll take what I can get - I realise I probably value autonomy significantly more than the next door neighbour, and I do tend to like my space. 

still, the most blessed kid on the entire frickin' planet. 

266

Ever thankful that I have a God who loves me no matter what, who loves me regardless of my performance. Because sometimes, you really need that - you really really do.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" - Romans 8:1. 

I haven't been inspired lately. At this present moment, I feel kinda dry. Like something's missing, but I can't put my finger on it. I'd like to break out of this monotony but I keep reminding myself in two months, I am free. In two months, I am free. 

Constantly remembering that I am human, full of weakness (but my Christ conquered death and just as He is, so am I in this world). 

You are only as special as 1/7000000000. To think otherwise would be very sad. But you're far from insignificant. In fact, realising that makes you all the more significant.

Really, it's good stuff. 

265

I've been stuffing my brain with all the current affairs I could possibly read; yet I haven't come across any intellectually stimulating material in the longest time (I honestly can't even remember). 

Sure, there's been lots to think about - taking sides, forming opinions, being rational - which is always a lousy idea b'cuz really, nobody's really rational and nobody strives to be. But nothing's really taken my breath away, left me in wonder, amazement as I so often am with works of literature, film - or even commentaries on it. Equations of physics which describe why everything happens because everything happens. 

I just miss being curious and finding so much, knowledge and humanity, out of everything I read, see and hear. 

It could well be said that this is my last relaxed week. Next week will be a partial combination of hard work and letting go, but it should be said that it's a week of strategising. The weeks after, with the exception of the 24th (castle), that's to look out for. 

264

All I'd really like to do is throw this all behind me, breathe and write a while. 

The template's a little bit plain but it should be okay. I was aiming for a plain background - either white or black. 

Much has happened in the past two weeks. I never really feel up to it to write because there's nothing much to write about, or to say. I'm rather busy this week, till Friday - Friday comes, then it's the break. The break. Break is a really funny word. I've stopped complaining about how holidays never really are holidays. I've stopped complaining about quite a bit, really. (I sat on the bus to the British Council today and felt as if I was the happiest kid on the planet). But I guess I've really gotta use that week to get organised and refocused and stuff. 2 months, we can make it. 

Mm. The only thing left is I'd really like to read some good writing, and write some good writing. 

Results were good. With the effort I put in I really can't complain. I know I'm in good stead for the real thing. 

"The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests in the Lord." 

263

Playing "I see Grace" on repeat because right now, right here - I need Jesus and His grace more than anything. I need His grace to stop this condemnation. Any sort of condemnation.

We all lose focus once in a while. It's alright - I am human, full of weakness.

and in my weakness, His strength is made perfect.

Thank You - and tomorrow is a new day, with new sevens. (: [hopefully - a confident expectation of good]

262

This week has been a mix of amazing and amazing. 

It was my last week out of two of the prelims, and I celebrated my eighteenth on Monday. Prelims ended on Friday, but I took them to end on Thursday (b'cuz who counts clb!) and I finally got back a little bit of rhythm that I'm used to which I completely lost 4.5 weeks ago. I still can't fathom that I worked for 4.5 weeks at peak energy straight. 

Celebrated my 18th again on Saturday - this time with my friends at a very pretty location. (: I didn't take a full photograph actually - but it was with 2, almost 3 distinct groups of friends and I s'ppose there was no need. Friday was cg (yes, this isn't chronological), and I must say it is pretty pleasant spending two consecutive nights w amazing amazing people. 

Right now, I'm just pretty tired. Life's been going on for full once the clock hit 3 on Friday, and all my energy had been used up before that. Results are back tomorrow and I'm trusting Jesus and His finished work. 

My thoughts are pretty convoluted and yes, my writing ain't up to scratch right now but it's not my biggest concern.

(: 

261

Spent the evening with the most amazing, supportive, loving and God filled people I know. It was incredible. There was nothing spectacular, just a gathering of a few friends - of different closeness and different levels of familiarity. Still, when push comes to shove. 

Wow. This, this is what amazing looks like. So, so blessed. 

- it is when you fail that you need Jesus. When you fail, when you're about to blame/hate yourself. I swear, run to Him. Run. With all you can. 

(and yes, super thankful that prelims are over!!) 

260: 18

so blessed.

Contrary to what everyone says - turning eighteen does feel rather exciting.

But that's for another day.

5 more papers to go - I'm ahead of everyone in this race because of the right subject combination and a favourable exam schedule. (race: number of papers to go).

#unmeritedfavour
#unceasingfruitfulness

259

I feel as if I've gone into a cave and been away from the world (and everything that's been going on around it) forever and ever.

In other words, I feel I've been super culturally deprived (my cultural knowledge is now zerooo) from knowing the latest films + tv shows to what's been trending on the economist and new york times and new yorker (as you can see I don't really care about local news HAHA) to london 2012 to the latest bestsellers oh my goodness I have been living in a cave.

So, rather than just feeling this way - I might as well go into a cave. Literally. At least I won't feel as bad.

You can find me at Cave #15, Lagoon A, Pacific Ocean.

Cheers!

(I actually really, really like my literature texts)

258

Today was good. A few hiccups but I like us geography kids (also cuz we bonded in Tioman, heh!) - I can't decide if I want to sleep now or keep studying. Eh.

After the mocks I've gotta work on Uni apps. But during my September break I shall make sure I finish one or two good books not related to anything I'm doing. The mocks - as everyone has been saying - is a pretty good wake up call to my (our) inadequacy. (in my weakness His strength is made perfect).

I want to learn how to make homemade lemonade/shirley temple so I can go for picnics and hear great stories over glasses of chilled homemade lemonade. (:

257

Economics was a good pick up, and hopefully (definite: a confident expectation of good) geography will be the same.

--

In the words of a good friend of mine "I'm glad the mocks are so early, it gives us reaction time."

HAHA.

God is good la. (:

Just keep meditating, just keep meditating ~

256

exams are not going my way at all - the pressure is really, really getting to me.

midway through my math pp i started thinking about how necessary this was for my predicted grades and almost fell off my chair. needless to say that was the end of the game.

- however, still hanging on, by a thread, knowing i'm the disciple whom Jesus loves and there is still grace. unmerited, undeserved. not by my effort but by his and i am trusting him and i know he will deliver.

255

y'know what -

where the heck is our singapore spirit. this has really gone wrong.

pfft.

#localtalentftw

254

pick up.

it feels good. 

- i can't really process this in words right now, especially since i'm trudging through matrices and vectors in hope of a 7, but yes, - i'm learning to first do things out of intrinsic love for them - to protect my happiness first (this is not a selfish statement - if you don't protect your happiness, who will?). i'm in no state to help others when i'm falling apart. 

(this is just the aftermath of revalation). 

"one day, child, you will realise why you went through everything you did, you will understand how everything has been intrinsically woven to work for your good." 

can't wait to get back to shooting/writing music/writing/spending time with great people/listening to great stories

but for now - for now, the next 14 days. 

let's do this. 

#bringiton. 

(ps: watched a couple of ted talks, - the people should never fear the g'ment, the g'ment should fear the people. really.) 

253

This has been a really strange week.

I like struggle. No, no - don't get me wrong. There are two kinds of struggle. One, the struggle, "life sucks", "life really, really sucks". The bad struggle. The struggle that leaves you discontent and dissatisfied Then there's the struggle which doesn't even feel like struggle. Challenge at most. The struggle (or challenge) that brings growth, character - the challenge that makes you feel good, even whilst you're going through it. Almost like diligence, hard work, perseverance. Now - that's the one I like. (Usually, it also comes with quite a bit of time, so I get to take things slow).

Then, there's the struggle to cut your ToK essay by 280 words. That, I have no words to describe. Oh, there's also the struggle to lose the Badminton game during the Olympics. This, uh ... . yeah.

- too insular, I know I've just come back from a trip all around Europe, but I'd really like to meet (and stay with for a while) a group of brand new people, just to expand my worldview and realise how crazily blessed I am.

95 words left!

252

我快撑不住了。
真的，真的, 撑不住。

--

Amazing la. It really feels like one of those times where I'd just lift my head up and say God is good because I didn't know any better, or you just appreciate His sovereignty. But now I know He's okay with me being so down and dejected and just having to ride it out, I still think He's amazing la. Though I trash it out with Him at the end of the day.

"Are you okay?"
"I'm okay laaaa."
"Are you sure?"


(super not used to this kind of feeling) 

I apologise for my complete use of singlish but yaaah.

251

tough, but so so blessed.

Out of this entire year, this is the first time I could probably say I've had a bad week. - It's been a really tough week because of multiple reasons - but in summary, too much to handle. Anyhow, working through the frustration and lethargy and just making it sheer willpower (God given will power) has been really, for lack of better word (and my creative mind is at a blank right now). 

But this weekend has really been a reminder of how my God meets me at my point of need. The greater the need, the greater the supply, and just as David found favour in God's eyes despite being so messed up, I am greatly blessed and forever favoured. Just talking to friends over lunch today and I know I am so, so, so blessed. (and sometimes I just lose focus of my position in Christ, unfortunately.) Overwhelmed by His love, and if anything, watching my dramas just reminds me I'm loved with a love greater than any man could ever dream of or portray. 

A week more, restful increase, unceasing fruitfulness!!!!! 

- you look so good when you're dancing, can I have this dance with you, for the rest of my life. 

250

For some reason, I can listen to this song and keep crying.

also - this is really really tiring me out.

249

It is my prayer that you, especially you, will soon come to see that it is not about what you can do; it is about what He has already done. 

When He cried "It is finished", He meant - it is finished. No more striving, death has been conquered, He has overcome the world, and it is He who lives in us. 

Only one thing is needed. 

248

It feels there is still something wrong with my numbering.

in other news: I've gotta find a way of consolidating all my blogging platforms - this is too confusing,the new chris wu show (花是爱) looks really promising and i'm really excited (bad time, bad time), I need more sources of math revision, can't wait for prelims to be over but can't lose momentum, God is really really good. :)

247

I knew there was something wrong w my numbering.

Anyway - overworked (/ing). This. this this. This will be worth it.

I play angry birds to destress.

246

curious. 

spent the past couple of days listening to stories - some about themselves, some about others, some about their entire lives, some about the past couple of weeks. - again, inspired. 

again, discipline is underrated. the ability to suppress what you want to do, or to keep going after a few hours of photo editing has taken its toll on you, to put aside creativity and just mug the hell out of these few weeks, and subsequently these few months. - but I guess again, I usually need to be intellectually inspired to keep working at academics, which does happen, just not when I'm on a holiday that seems to last forever (truth be told, last year's break felt a lot longer than this year's, but perhaps that's because I spent two weeks abroad). 

really trying to get it all together now, while not forsaking, too much, what keeps me sane.

245

It's interesting how most ideas come to me late in the night, in the midst of immense frustration. Inspiration out of frustration.

--

today - halfhearted attempts at studying, which is still going on; feeling newly positive about the singapore arts scene; having a good cup of coffee but even better, - close, intimate conversation with a good friend of mine; meeting a very kind stranger; sending out email of unknown, but hopefully exciting consequence; shooting randomly on my new favourite prime lens without knowing what pictures were to come out of it; talking to a friend about a pretty grand decision she'll have to make; discussions about the peculiarities of the chinese language, weaved into a marathon of emoji spam. 

now, still today - wondering if i should watch the first episode of the new zhang han show, wondering if i should draw up a schedule, wondering if i'd be happier knowing i had the discipline to follow a schedule when spontaneity has always been a character of mine, wondering if i'll be able to cover everything before my mocks begin, wondering where my life will head, wondering where i'll be in one, five, ten years, knowing i'll always be a beloved child of my King. 

 

life is good.

244

I really feel people shouldn't correlate what I like to who I am. (i.e - just because I like serious or deeper matters doesn't mean I'm a serious (straight laced, etc) person.) - Get to know me, get to know people.  Don't assume what they're like based on what they like. Interests are usually an expression of a person, not a definition of a person. 

Today was a reminder that I am a human, full of weakness. - and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Of course, I don't like it - but it's not necessarily a bad thing. 

too many thoughts running around in my head. i s'ppose it happens. sometimes i just lose a little sense of purpose and perspective. 

sometimes i just get a little lost.

(apologies for the disjoint.) 

243

Today was a fantastic day. I'm so blessed, and I'm so amazed at how faithful God is. I finally got a chance to really get to know some of my new cg mates, and I'm really excited and lovin' how this is going to turn out. 

Also - Sidney Mohede is faaaantastticcc awwhmggy!! 

Goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. (: Right then. Now I've just got to buckle down and study and ace these prelims and IB and trust that Jesus has something more amazing and infinite in store for me beyond my wildest dreams. (: More than ever I am sure that people make a person, people determine the contentment of a person's life, people give you happiness and joy. 

- I would have never thought in a million years God would call me to ... asia. Honestly. I thought it was going to be Uganda or something. But at least for this season, it's East Asia. 

(as part of my bloggin' overhaul, I will probably be deleting deeperwreck soon.) 

242

Yesterday, I took my father's prime lens out to play. It is fantastic - well, at least a lot more than my kit lens. 

Anyway, the problem with me is I always take forever to transfer the photos to my computer, and an even longer time to edit them. Also, I'm not quite sure how to shoot with a prime lens. HAHA. - but with IB and everything on, I don't have much time to learn photoshop elements, lightroom and illustrator. 

I'm thinking of possibly doing an overhaul to this blog. In terms of theme, and I suppose content. But we'll see. 

if you're curious - matt nathanson, modern love; mat kearney, young love; erick baker, it's too late to say we're early; stephen fryrear, heartstrings ep. 

I told you I found lots of good music. 

241

I realised life isn't about how big you make it, how much you earn, how many projects you clinch. Life is about the people around you, and you're around. Life is about the interactions you make, how you spend your time with others. 

People is what makes life good, -and I suppose, not so good. 

Today, while at Coldstone, I really realised it doesn't matter what you do, so long as you're having a good time and loving the people around you. You could be an ice cream chef, as they were, shouting and laughing and joking around, or you could be Richard Branson. So long as you people you love around you that you love and enjoy. - and the ice cream chefs were having one ball of a time. 

Then it hit me - seeing other people genuinely happy, makes me genuinely happy too. (: I am so grateful for the people around me, I don't even know what to say (no TPL reference intended). This week has been a good week of catching up with everyone important to me, sans a few, but I suppose text messages keep us occupied in the time being. 

240

Spent the morning searching out really good music - it started with this song:

"My Two Left Feet - Erick Baker"-

 

Skip to 1:56 for the song. Try to bear with the background noise and everything, because I really feel his live version beats the recorded one by a million. But you can google for the recorded one too, I s'ppose.

It started with this song and it ended up with me spending more than 10 bucks on music in iTunes.

Good days, good days.

239

Excited yet apprehensive - this seems like the theme of the second half of 2012.

I think that's good - because I really think my life is heading in a new direction, something completely new, out of my comfort zone. This year has been a year of challenge, but good challenge (in retrospect). From faith, to life plan (ambition wise), to the friends I'm making. This year has been so exciting and God has been so faithful and I know everything I go through is only to bring me from glory to glory. 

If there's one thing I've learnt and He's taught me, it's that things take time. I have learnt to slow down, be patient, tolerant, and allow things to take time. From building relationships to investing in interests and passions and anything, to studying for the exams and making things work; things take time. I haven't always committed to this "things take time" principle, think: world lit and EE, but I have in others, and He's really given me the strength. On both sides of things - for myself to be ready, as well as the other party/parties (especially with building relationships). To know, and trust that things will pay off. 

These two years have been such years of change and growth and redevelopment, but this year especially - has been a year of challenge. Excited yet apprehensive. But I'm going in, nonetheless, knowing that He is faithful, and only has good things for me.  

pumpkin - soft skills, soft leadership, soft influence. 

238

I think - I (try to) live to love Jesus, love people, and tell stories. Always easier said than done, but if anything - my life, so far, has been one of growth. I've been growing, and from my own subjectively objective judgement, I've become a person of whom I'm more satisfied with. Sometimes I lose my way, but life is good, and I am so grateful. 

I think the difficulty is in finding intrinsic happiness, or joy, or whatever y'wanna call it. To be happy despite, and in spite of your circumstances. - but I think that's not fair. If your circumstances make you happy, be happy - and as much as I struggle with this, if your circumstances make you sad, be sad.

But to keep in mind the bigger picture despite what each moment tells you, I s'ppose, is a path one could take. To know faith > feelings, faith > sight. I think that's where my security comes from. That even when I can't describe life because it's pissin' me off too much or has made me incredibly happy, faith > feelings, faith > sight. And I don't think living faith > feelings is a case of living neutral, but living extraordinary. 

We should change our status quo.

(I don't know which random stroke of inspiration caused me to write this - but I am back, and still, the most blessed kid alive.)

237

I will be in Europe for two weeks, but I leave you with this:



and this:

“I would stand and look over the rooftops of Paris and think, ‘Do not worry. You have always written before and you will write now. All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence you know.’” 

— Ernest Hemingway, A Movable Feast (1964)

It's best you read/listen to them together. 

To all my friends - have a great break, live happy, live passionately. 

236

I have not been here in a long, long time. 

I suppose it's been a combination of busy, preoccupied with what's happening in real, not internet life, and lost in thought. Anyhow, I always think a little time off from the internet can't be a bad thing. 

So school's almost out, I have one last half-day left tomorrow, before a five and a half week break. Honestly, who does that? 5 1/2 weeks? In this time, much and not much has happened all at the same time. 

I'm longing for so much more, but also am the most fortunate kid on the entire planet at the same time. I don't really know how that works out, but my God is amazing - and I need to remember that. 

He wants me. He doesn't want what I can offer as much as He wants me. To talk to Him, converse with Him and be with Him. Everything else is secondary, but I've been comfortable too long and He has been pushing me out of my comfort zone. 

So change is coming, and I'm pretty darn excited (and apprehensive, at the same time). 

235

I have come to learn that two is indeed better than one, that we are not meant to exist as a single entity. It becomes very easy to get lost in yourself, to get stuck by yourself, to forget - yourself. In terms of the creative side of us, ideas are always better when bounced off others, when collaborated. Indeed, you could form a great piece of work yourself, but I believe it'll always be better if ideas were shared. Actually, in any scenario - work, play, community, the more the merrier, really. It may get to a point where too many cooks spoil the broth, but until you reach that number, the more the exchange of ideas, the better. I honestly believe we were not created to live alone, but to share our experience with others, to share and create with others, to be with others. We were meant to live with others. Victory is not fun when experienced alone, and neither is defeat, really. 

Perhaps that's why our silly system of capitalism was doomed to fail. To each our own never made sense, and is possibly the most tragic happening in human civilisation - this coming from a free market capitalist. 

I hope I'll be able to attend the 24/5 rally! 

234

Quote of the Week:

"WP is not against immigrants, but we want to put Singaporeans first." 

PREACH IT, WP. 

COME ON SINGAPORE,
Hougang by-elections '12

233

I have lost count of the number of weeks of school I have left.

1 Cor 2:16 - We have the mind of Christ

Gal 2:20 - It is no longer I who lives but Christ who lives in me. 

Romans 6 - I have been crucified with Christ on the cross.

I am a new creation, I've got a new identity. I'm dead to sin. 

BOOM! 

Cheers guys - victory is ours.

232

You know, sometimes I feel as if we talk about God as if He's distant, He's watching from afar. We know he's there but we don't think He's of any significant proximity. We don't think He wants to be of any active participation, just watching from the sidelines.

I feel as if we talk about Him as if he's some teacher, patrol officer, boss. He's only interested in our performance -to not sin, how long we pray and fast for,, how many mission trips we go on, how much we donate. I feel as if we spend our sessions talking about how to be a better person, sometimes rarely mentioning God.

All we have is because of Jesus. Sometimes we don't mention Jesus at all either, and we don't refer to the Bible. But - only one thing is needed. He's not interested in your performance. He loved you at your worst, He loves you now. He's interested in you.

Be blessed, friends.

231

I very rarely have anything anecdotal to share anymore. My days consist of mindless (actually, mindful) assignments, concerns and worries, exertion, exhaustion and fighting just to do a little bit of what you like. School really isn't that bad, but the exertion on my mind and fatigue on my body protests another story. 

I do, however, have a rather large number of musings and observations. Those are always easier, and I s'ppose, a little more interesting. Sitting at Burger King, taking 14 home. If only I had pen and paper everywhere I went. It's quite easy to draw inspiration, or rather, a story, from everyone you passed by. If only you gave them a second thought. It's quite wondrous to think every single person you meet has a story. 

My only hope is you find yours, write yours, and live yours. 

I apologise for writing sporadically, especially if you pop by often. I usually let my emotions get the better of me, especially if I'm drained out from a day of school. But I'll write if something interesting happens. Just don't count on that happening anytime soon. 

Cheers, 

230

Math, Poetry, and Political Philosophy.

Another week down. But what a busy weekend.

9/7

229

The same power that conquered the grave lives in me.

Matthew 16:19, “I will give you the keys of the Kingdom of Heaven, what you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and what you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. 

The same power that raised Jesus from the dead lives in me. The identical power is alive in me!

228

School - can't bring myself to do anything productive once I reach home, I hit the sack 3/5 times this week immediately and filled the rest of my day up with random tasks to evade anymore work for my mind.

The sky is in a fine hue of pink and blue overlap. I s'ppose I could stare at that for a while. Sometimes the world is so, so beautiful, and not just physically. I've been bitten by the wanderlust bug again. Staring at Nat Geo/Newsweek's travel issues don't do me any good for determination/sustaining myself in this near dreadful place.

Treated this weekend the same way I treated my holidays, restful nothingness. Now, I need to finish my chemistry homework and pray for the best as I embark on the next week.

9/8.

227

Ah, so the new term:

• spirit of excellence
• sufficient rest
• discipline
• Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
• priorities
• balance

For pumpkin!, aikidocat, and everyone else who is hanging on: 

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on. 

226

You see, the funny thing is - we never learn.

I had an amazing time catching up with all my secondary school friends. There's something very homely about sc, something very comfortable about the faces that greet you, the smiles that light up. I honestly didn't even know who was going to be there; I suppose enough of us were. Enough of us to fill the next year or so, until we meet again. 

The holidays have been good, but then again, ill disciplined. I think discipline is underrated. It's actually rather attractive, and y'know, you just tend to make better use of your time than idling around. Lazily rushing my assignments until it kinda gets too late, oh yes, and I should find my notes before I build a presentation on complete imagination. 

225

As I thought about it, 

We always think about, albeit in retrospect - that how a relationship never worked out/never started out allowed you to grow in a way that wouldn't be possible if you were together, how you were able to develop and experience so much more by not being together. We only come to appreciate it in retrospect, and it tends to be about us. Today, however, as I was talking to you - I realised you've become a much better person than you were 2,3 years ago. 

I know you couldn't have grown in such a way if you were with me. 

So today, I understood what that meant, and I felt glad. I am happy for you, and I think I've finally come to appreciate the value behind timing. God's timing. Trust that it will all be alright in the end. 

224

1. If I don't get started on work now, I'd have wasted a good break. 
2. The tremor I felt just now - I think it's given me a headache.
3. Pray for Sumatra, really. 
4. More than enough, more than enough. 
5. Discipline is underrated. 

223

Good, good. The holidays have been good. 

The right mix of going out, reading, catching up on films. I suppose I'll get down to work tomorrow, or something like that. 

"Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me". 

To more than one: - 

I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you in the ways you needed me there. My only prayer is that someone was, someone who made you feel you were enough. That no matter what you were going through there was a greater purpose holding on, pushing through. 

I think that's enough - for the sake of myself, it's about time I start work. Discipline, motivation, please come through. 

PS: Watched The Hunger Games today. I really liked it, it was a good adaptation and a good movie. Brilliant cinematography + use of sound. :)

I'm a sucker for good stories, and I think The Hunger Games has a killer story. The book had a killer story but the film killed it. (as in, made it even more awesome) - But, the film + safe and sound makes the story powerful.

hope. at the end of the day - hope.  

222

You know,

I sit here and,

I think about all the ways this world is terrible, terrible place to live in. I think about all the judgement that's been passed about me, I think about all the ways I struggle to get through. Then I think about the person next to me, I think about my friends, and how they're fighting with their circumstances each day. How we're just so much more than all the world ever paints us to be.

You know, just like how Katniss and everyone in the Districts fights against the Capitol.

I think about how the judgement passed on me by someone only comes from their insecurities and desire to be loved. I think about how every reaction I has leads to another action, and was caused by a separate action. That no matter how we go about it, we all belong to the same intricately weaved web. That there's really no way out from each other.

I think about all the grace and love that the world is missing, and I realise.

No one has got it easy. No one at all.

Besides the multi millions, some billions, people own. Despite the A***** celebrity status some have achieved, besides the every pinnacle of success anyone could ever think of wanting - we all started out the same.

Not from our births, our environments, our family. No. We all started out human. We started out feeling the same, having the same traps, foibles, desiring the same. And perhaps we still.

To all my friends, and everyone who is reading this post, -

You are a fighter. You are more. Never, ever stop fighting.

After all this time - Mraz's I'm Yours just never stops working for me.

(especially for C.) 

221

There's something about a book which just draws you to it. Not the physical book itself, or the perfectly typewritten ink marks on the page which form words, of course. But the story - the story, and the medium it is told in. I mean, there are many ways to tell a story - film, music, literature. Of course, the latter somehow remains my (and to a large extent, everyone else's) favourite. 

I think it's the choice it gives. A book just contains words on a page. The rest is for you to figure out. You could read them as they were - words on a page, or your mind can start to wonder. How does she look? How does he look? How about their house - what's their house like? What colour are the walls, how about the floor! Oh, how are their neighbours? 

You can choose the amount of time you wish to stay with them, to be part of their lives. To watch them, root for them, hate the evil one, love the vulnerable one. Unlike a movie which dictates the 119 minutes you spend with them, a book lets you choose the amount of time you wish to stay with the characters. How constantly you wish to be around them. 

But I think most of all - a book creates a world for you. You form all the opinions and choices around how you live and how you wish to live. Sometimes, you even wish the protagonist was you. 

There's something about the printed word. I'm still figuring it out. But until then - 

Happy reading. 

P.S: I've finished Book I of The Hunger Games. 

220

School's out.

I have one goal this break - rest. 

(also, for the interest of whomever's interested - basket load of assignments which I didn't bother recording, so I'll just do whatever comes to mind, hunger games (book), birdsong, emma, planning the next term, university stuff) 

This is almost too much.

But my God works all things for my good. Oh yes, this too. Rest, rest in His love. Rest in Him, rest at His feet. 

Something's gotta change, something's gotta give. 

219

(I could have fallen in love with you)

Something has been hitting me the past few days, and hitting me hard.

"I like your Christ, I do not like you Christians. You Christians are so unlike your Christ."

The Bible said they will know we are Christians by our love. By our love, not by our arrogance, not by our "being correct", not by our holier than thou, not by our shoving my theology down your throat. (Yes, believers do that within our circles as well.)

What happened to that love and grace?

Here - I encourage you to read the whole thing. But if you really are too lazy
http://makeitmad.com/2011/10/18/dear-christianity-an-apology/,

This is an apology to every Christian bold enough to say he’s a Christian and mean it. I helped tarnish your reputation in Christ. 

I helped make the world doubt you. 

I gave the world reason to hate you. 

Nothing hurts the church quite as much as a critical spirit. I am sorry for the way myself and other Christians have come against each other. 

I am sorry for the ways I have spoken ill of other churches I have never attended. 

I am sorry that Hollywood makes you seem so desperate and full of prideful, well-dressed losers. 

I am sorry that the gay community fears you, and wants nothing to do with you. It’s not your fault. It’s ours. We took that and really screwed it up, didn’t we?

Yes.
Be blessed.

218

1. 167 bus driver honked lightly while I was tumblring on my phone at the bus stop to tell me the bus was here - he recognises me now, and if he didn't I'd have missed it and have to wait forever.
2. My two favourite juniors got elected into council!! God's abundant favour be upon them. (: I actually quite like the G11 council.
3. Staying back till 5pm to do our chemistry practicals but dancing around to the strangest music. 
4. Having a really good talk with a friend during my free period in school.
5. Chinese test being postponed to Wednesday
6. Realising I've actually done really, really well in the recent assessments (and way more than I could imagine I deserve).

God is good, I am so blessed.

217

- Surrender, surrender: That's gotta be the most difficult word in the entire English dictionary. I'm here, I've been given the ability to make choices for myself, to choose a path. To choose to die to self and pick up my Cross. To choose to surrender, and not live for myself. Now that's difficult. It's easy when 43,000 other people say they will too, it's easy when that's all the people around you do - because it's norm. But surrender, surrender. 

"We raise our white flag, the war is over, love has come, love has won." 

216

todolist//easter holiday

#1. read the hunger games
#2. watch hugo
#3. rewatch downton (marathon!!)

#4 onwards. some other stuff regarding work I guess.

215

Today I stop(ped).

I woke up feeling strangely thankful, well, relieved (because there wasn't a spirit of gratitude in me, actually, I barely feel anything anymore) that I was part of a happy family. Then, my friend said she wasn't going for first service, so I decided to go for second - and get a place in the rock. I wanted breakfast before so I was running a little late, decided to cab to try and get a ticket. I didn't. They had given them all out, so I wasn't all that pleased. (again, I didn't feel frustrated, because I really haven't felt anything in a long time). I think I'm going through a period of nihilism. Then, as I turned away to find another location, this lady approached me to give me her ticket, cuz she was going somewhere else. Wow.

I've decided.

I'm don't like living life like this. I'm tired of living life like this. Going through it without any feeling at all. God's given me life, I want to live it with arms wide open. I'm tired of my shaky faith, thus shaky identity. I'm tired of having to subject myself to apathy each day, of having to fight millions of battles in my mind, of having to live up to everybody's expectation.

I've got so damn much to be thankful about, God is showing me how real He is. Yet I just sit here indifferent, if I can even feel indifferent. I'm just numb to everything. Completely numbed.

This. Must. Stop.

214

@#$%.

Struggling, struggling, struggling.

@#$%. @#$%. @#$% (!!!)

That is all I can process.

Tonight was a good night of intimate time spent with good friends (not particularly with me, but I did observe), good food, and continuous struggle. It is so easy to stray and be influenced by the ten thousand voices when you let go and become complacent. Thank God I have a God who never changes (even when my faith falters), and who tells me He is more real than the feel that I'm having, that I'm not what I feel but I am who He says I am. He. Is. Not. Going. Away. 

This - I should really learn to think Hebrew style, not Greek style. 

213

You know, life isn't easy. 

No, I mean - it. really. isn't. easy.

Day after day we're filled with what the system expects of us - we go to school and we learn, we interact, we come home, we do what's expected of us, by our parents, our teachers, our friends. It's not an easy place to live in. Each day is filled with the same routine, and even though the world has agreed education gives us the best future (and boy, I'm not arguing with that), it still gets tiring. 

Then there's the battle between yourself, and amongst yourselves. Everyone's trying to shine - to be bright, to be the best, to be recognised, to be accepted. (Maybe, at the end of the day we're just yearning for love). We fight against each other for the spotlight, we fight against ourselves because we don't want to believe we are that ugly. We fight for our ambition, vanity, ego. We fight against our ambition, vanity, ego. 

After that, there's still that battle of self vs. society - as if the previous one wasn't enough. Some of us, we're all consumed with dreams, passions - you know, the ideas we love that society tells us to give up on. The dreams we could imagine chasing our whole lives, and still not giving up, not being unhappy because we - we fought for what we believed in, we still fight for what we believe in. 

But at the end of the day (man, I really, really hate that phrase) - if we just put our ego aside for one tiny bit. If we stopped trying to climb that ladder (social, corporate, whatever you call it) for one small moment. If we didn't care about pretenses and how we had to hide our imperfections. If we put it all aside, and for one small, small moment - supported each other, encouraged each other, fought for each other. If we let the small things pass - if we didn't comment on how her shoes didn't match her stunning dress, how he spelt one word wrongly in his otherwise perfectly written essay. 

I'm so sure; so infinitely sure - this world would be a much grander place. 

(ps: this world? it is already beautiful. you just can't see it yet.) 

212

I am so frustrated. So, so frustrated, I can't even begin to comprehend my emotions.

211

Life is beautiful. 

If you think about it - I don't deserve anything at all. 

The past few days have been filled with a sense of sadness. Melancholic nostalgia, but predominantly sadness. Recent occurrences have left me in a state of such emptiness and lack of coherency to process what I feel. It's on a very intangible level because I was not directly affected by it, but the idea of what happen strikes such a strong chord within me. 

It's difficult. So difficult. 

God conquers all. 

210

When your husband turns away from the entire audience of the once Kodak Theatre to face you on stage and tells you you're the soul and inspiration of the film that just won best picture at the Oscars, and you win Best Leading Actress at the Cesars, on home ground (whether you deserved it or not). 

Wow. Berenice Bejo, you are one lucky lady. 

"I love you but it's not just that - you've inspired the movie, you're the soul of the movie and the positive feeling of the movie. Thank you for being in the move and in my life." 

- Michel Hazanavicius, to Bernice Bejo

on winning Best Picture at the 84th Academy Awards

Oh my, I swear, the two of them - actually the three, add Jean Dujardin, and Thomas Langmann if you're feeling generous. I love how The Artist was shot in 35 days and literally consists of 3 people. I've never seen a director so involved with a show before - appearing in photo shoots and having his own features.

This couple, inspiring. 

209

Things I wish I was doing:

• Rewatching Downton Abbey
• Reading
• Having good conversations with good people.

Things I have to do: 

•  Practice the violin 

Yup. That's about it. I'm writing more often now, I quite like it - film and literature, and there's this quote which I hope will always keep me going - we all need practice, writers, filmakers, we all need practice. To keep practicing and practicing and one day we'll get better. 

I don't know why I posted such a redundant list - I think it's because I really, really want to rewatch Downton. 

208

Oh, how foolish of me.

Right now, it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. But then I remember:

Only one thing is needed.
Only one thing is needed.
Only one thing is needed. 

Amen.

P.S: I really thought, and still think Michelle Williams should have won Best Actress instead of Meryl Streep. Her performance was one of a kind and delivered such a raw edge you'd get from nobody else. - and I know I'm not alone on this one.

207

Just as He is, so am I in this world.

I really hate lamenting about school and whatever occupies my day each time I write here. Even more than that, I hate having nothing other than school to write about, because that just shows what my life has become.

But school is becoming extremely tiring and it takes more and more out of me each day to get through it successfully. I am learning the art of doing things slowly, albeit a bit too late in the game. With my WL, Macbeth and EE due for submission soon, in a couple of weeks, I've been working on it bit by bit each day - and it's turning out pretty well. It builds up stamina as well as depth, as you're continuously thinking and developing upon what you've written. 

Oh my, EE. 

But yes, no matter the challenge - grace response. My God has gone before me, and He paid much too high a price for me to be anything but victorious. 

206

Before I forget:

I was out with a friend of mine today and while we were discussing the need to change our educational model, he said this:

"Literature is very important. The ability to read between the lines is, - is what keeps us human."

Passion 2012. Wow. I really wish I was there.



Yes.

205

I decided to feed my culture starvation:

"It is not our job to like or dislike characters in fiction, or make judgements on their worth, or learn from them how to live. We can do that with real people ... A novel is a pattern, and it is our job to relish and see clearly textures and its tones, to notice how the textures were woven and the tones put into place." 

- Colm Toibin, New Ways to Kill Your Mother

In other news, I think Adele and Ed Sheeren sold the BRIT awards solid, and uhm, yes. It is taking me forever to get through episode 1 of The Wire. 

204

I have been too indulgent in my writing style, particularly punctuation. It makes a world of difference when your English teacher starts to berate it. 

So I suppose I shall find myself starting on the two style (grammar) guides I've obtained, hoping it's a) accurate, and b) of English english. 

Other than that, school has been entirely stressful - I've just finished my second test of the week (Thank God), and am cramming a Chemistry poster, violin practice, and dinner into whatever time I can make of it. 

I don't want to be studying - there is so, so much more out there to see. But I suppose, as I've said to my friend today - Education is the means to everything else ... I suppose. 

Jesus is faithful to finish.

Blessed Lent! 

203

War. 

War's my favourite genre of the arts - literature, film, television, theatre, even music. War is (the portrayal of it, not war itself) my favourite - and I've been wondering why. 

War is deeply tragic - and it is my prayer we would never have to fight another war again; but taking a page out of revelations, I suppose we just have to trust God and his infinite wisdom. (note to self). 

But I've realised why - War; war is the epitome of humanity. In that short span of time, you see every possible side of humanity. You see society put its divisions and bias aside, you see everybody unite for a common cause. You see what humanity could be, and how ironic and plainly tragic it is that only in such a time of desperation you see such beauty. You see the strangest men become the strongest, and you see a true solidarity. 

You see, at the end of the day - we are, for all our differences, human. 

one and the same. 

Sad to think that within the quickest time of war recovery; everything goes back to the way it was, as if we didn't learn a single thing. 

202

My days consist of nothing but making it through school; eternal violin practices and (getting over) Downton Abbey. And right now, I kinda wish I was Joanne Froggatt. Or her best friend. 

--

I've been so consumed by work and IB that for the first time in my life, I'm afraid that (I'd lost my soul to this monster and) I'd have nothing to do once IB ends. I would have forgotten how to do the things I love, and the things I love. Days will become so monotonous I lose any passion I once held for life, living and seeking out gold. 

This, my friends, is crunch time. 

Also, a list of movies I have not watched but really should (not including new releases) - inception, avatar, shawshank redemption, schindler's list, american beauty, million dollar baby, the king's speech, the young victoria, IN OUR NAME, blue valentine, etc. 

And movies you may not have watched but really should - LIKE CRAZY, IN OUR NAME, a beautiful mind.

In love with too much British for my own good. 

201

Now I know why the whole entire world is obsessed with Downton Abbey - you can add me to that list. (I was reluctant to watch it at first). Finished the series in 4 days and I've seemed to have lost my rhythm again. No worries, I'll pick that back up soon. 

-- 

Other than that - Happy Valentine's Day! - Remember your first love. (Rev 2:1-7). Whether you love it for commercial reasons or because it's an extra reason to appreciate the person/people you love - be thankful, stay grateful. It's a brilliant day today. 

It's 12:40 and I'm finally done with work + notes, yes, because I wasted time finishing Downton Abbey. Brilliant piece, but not perfect.

I'll see y'all! 

Cheers. 

200

Next time you earnestly pray to experience Jesus on a deeper and greater level, think again - I do want it but I swear all this spiritual school is so trying. I'm not saying don't, because please do. Just be prepared for Him to answer your prayer in the most unexpected way. 

--

My cell continues to amaze me. Jesus continues to amaze me. This week we discussed a tough one - priorities, Jesus vs. work. But more than that, it was mindblowing to see everyone so honest and raw and vulnerable. Not super vulnerable but vulnerable enough. I didn't really warm up to this cell until a couple of weeks ago (and so I know not everyone feels this enthusiastic about it), but boy I love spending so much time with them. It's amazing to see people so forefront about their struggles, so willing to trust, and so much belief in Jesus. And in a generation where we see a lack of men rising up to take their place as heads; there are at least 3 boys in my cell whom I know will make great men - husbands, fathers and leaders. I haven't been in an environment where we were all this trusting in a long time. (In a world of superficial and half lies, this is such a refresher). 

Everyone wants to live in an Austen kinda world. 

199

"The church is full of hypocrites - there's always space for one more".

I think we're all hypocritical. No matter how self aware we are, we always fall into this trap called hypocrisy. I don't think we're hypocritical because we do it consciously (at least for the most of us). I think we're hypocritical because we want to believe we're people of high(er) moral standards. We look upon a certain action and disagree (vocally) with it, yet commit the same action not more than two hours later. 

We want to believe we're good people. More than deceiving others, we try to deceive ourselves. If we disagree with it, if we commit to saying we're against it, maybe we'll believe that we really won't do the same thing.

But you see, we are human (read: broken). We are broken but beautiful, empty but infinite, lost but found. So we will always try to win, but lose. And to agree with a friend - these paradoxes make life inspiring, extravagant, delicate. Thirsting for so much more. 

Maybe one day - one day we'll get it right. 

For the month of February and beyond: Your love never fails, it never gives up, never runs out on me. 

198

This is tough. 

I have begun to write in nothing but my .38 Uniball Black pen; I suppose for the sake of sheer familiarity and comfort. I have run out of hours in a day; and even the most productive use of time leaves me with work undone. My brain can only sustain the stress I put on myself so far, and writing a theory of knowledge essay really drains you of everything you've got - I can barely put 1 and 1 together. 

I remember being in G11 and going "hey this doesn't seem so bad!" or "hey that's not much harder than what I did for O's!", but boy, that's really changed now - chemistry and math become the most challenging subjects on earth; and if subjects aren't challenging content wise then they sure are work wise. 

The only time I spend with others is to say "hi!" in the morning or "bye!" once we're done; perhaps a "what will you be eating" or "how was your day", but nothing more. Everyone's dug deep in their neverending assignments; one after one after one. But I suppose this is the price, trade-off if you like, of getting an education - and as much as I'll complain, I'll never take for granted the opportunity I've been given to make the hell best of this year. 

So aim high, and see how far your heart will take you. 

"and if our God is for us, what can be against us?"